Comments on: Not An American Girl

By: jinian

jinian — Thu, 29 Jan 2004 09:56:57 +0000

Amber: I’ve been a regular on alt.polyamory for some years, and the people there are about the most persnickety bastards in existence about speaking for oneself and not saying “we” or “all x”. So I know what you mean about it sounding like Julia Grey is talking about all women. But when I cranked up the filter against that, I found her series a really interesting look at one way relationships can get screwed up, and what to do about it.
Actually, both of the articles linked sound to me like they’re different styles of screwed up, though I think the squicky parts of Dora’s account — “sometimes he is even able to help decorating the table for a dinner party just because he has got it”, like he was physically incapable before? a giant erection got in the way? — may be partly because of cultural difference, and if English isn’t her first language that’d explain the word choices that annoy me. The thing that makes sense to me in a relationship is to talk about it if you’re feeling neglected. There are people I can’t just talk to, but they’re not the ones I love, they’re professors who make me nervous, people like that. It’s a fault in me that I can’t understand people who aren’t like me in that, though, and I know there are lots of them out there.
Anyway. Not sure why I am wishing to blather about this post. The thing I see in common between these two viewpoints is that someone has to sacrifice to make it all better for the other person. It’s not the sex per se that bothers me, it’s the mindset it might represent. In Dora’s case, it seems to be related to inherent and societal influences (though that’s mostly talking through my hat), while in Julia’s things have gotten unequal over time, but both read to me like one partner has to operate at a deficit to give the other what they need. I like Julia’s better because she says that’s temporary, but I suppose if you’re actually a saint you could be unselfishly supportive of a partner forever.

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 29 Jan 2004 01:36:46 +0000

Sarah said: “But not a single orgasm I have is ever as satisfying as making Him have His.”
My God, Sarah, you sound so much like me sometimes, it’s downright scary!
I’m like you; I don’t feel *whole* unless I make Dan come.
As far as that article about “why women won’t have sex” I just found it….rather sad.
Women are too disgusted by men to have sex? Women are too discomforted by sex to have sex? Too distracted by other things in life to have sex with these before-mentioned disgusting men?
We women sound like a major pain in the ass to me. We don’t come off very well as a gender in this article, do we?

By: Vikki

Vikki — Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:37:56 +0000

Sarah, I agree with you 100%. A lot of times (maybe most?) I’m being intimate with the other person because I want to give *them* pleasure. I’ve been lucky to find a lover along the way who feels the same way, which means we *both* get to pleasure the other.
For me, though, it’s less about the orgasm and more about the pleasure. Sure, lots of times they’re connected, but they don’t have to be. Orgasm for me is not always the goal.

By: Mommybird

Mommybird — Wed, 28 Jan 2004 20:50:49 +0000

I think it’s a mark of maturity to ignore one’s moods and do something to give a loved one pleasure, whether that be having sex with them, watching the movie they want to watch, or just leaving them alone for a while if they need it. I don’t think I ever lack an orgasm when I have sex, but that doesn’t mean I am utterly caught up in transcendent passion every time–and that’s *fine*. I don’t enjoy morning sex as much as afternoon or evening, but that doesn’t mean I say no to it. Compromise has many rewards.

By: jinian

jinian — Wed, 28 Jan 2004 03:08:35 +0000

Usually, I’m most interested in orgasms for all, which in practice means focusing on me some since I’m a little harder to get going. But sure, I have sex to make the other person come sometimes. Often I’m just not at a place in my cycle where I feel like I want to come, or at least not enough to put the effort in. Sometimes it’s because I am being toppish, which isn’t the kind of thing that’s covered in either of the links. :)

By: Sarah

Sarah — Wed, 28 Jan 2004 02:13:41 +0000

I have a higher sex drive than any male I have been with, yet more often than not, I am driven by His orgasm not my own. I can take care of me. It’s Him that I want to please. That doesn’t mean I don’t orgasm. I do, lots. But not a single orgasm I have is ever as satisfying as making Him have His.
Don’t you guys and girls ever have sex just so you can make the other person come? Am I really in the minority here?