Longtime readers will remember Halley Suitt’s lessons on being an Alpha Male. I was reminded of them in an oblique sort of way by the following essay, which is written (with tongue firmly in cheek) in the style of an old-fashioned tent-revival sermon, by a fellow who’s working the Alpha Male thing a bit harder than most. Herewith Dan the DDHubby delivers That Old Time Religion:

Brothers, I say unto you: Know what you are. You are the husband, the man, the male. You have been given gifts by the Creator, whatever name you call him or her or it. You have been given gifts by Providence. Those gifts have taken you and your brethren far. We crawled out of the caves, we climbed out of the sea, we slid down the trees, we stood and walked and made tools and language and fire and agriculture and civilization and literature and medicine.

We tamed lightening and used it to make sand think!

The gifts that have been given unto you do not stop there. Oh no!

Count your blessings!

Providence has given you women! They have given you a spouse! A partner! A best friend! A lover! If the woman beside you is only some of these things, or Providence forbid, none of these things, do not point a finger, do not hold up a hand, do not deny your own responsibility in these matters!

Quiet now, brothers. Listen carefully to me. It is true that in some circumstances an error has been made by the Fates. It is sad, but it is true. From time to time an error of such magnitude has occurred that the only choice for correction is dissolution. It is sad, it happens. Hopefully, brothers, you will learn from that error and not repeat it.

But, if it is not error that causes your problems, it may be something else. It may be the darkness inside you that holds you back. It may be the darkness inside you that doesn’t want you doing what must be done.

For that is the one truth that all my brothers must embrace. That is the one truth that you must Know in order to be happy. That is the one truth that you must live every single day of your life. That is the one truth that will set you free.

Listen closely, brothers. Listen carefully. Write this down if you must, but commit it to your heart, commit it to your soul, commit it to your very life:

Men do what must be done.