Unlike many men, I actively dislike the whole “lapdance” experience in strip clubs. A strip club is a wonderful place to be for half an hour — the visual experience is comparable to the olfactory bliss of stepping into a fine coffee or chocolate shop — but then it quickly grows boring. Any sensible man knows that these ladies are not coming home with you, and there’s not going to be any sex unless you’re planning to buy it, in which case you’re in the wrong place to make a value purchase. Worse yet, a lap dance represents extreme negative value — you pay a lot extra for an intense tease, which only reinforces any sexual frustration you may have brought into the club. And if you didn’t bring any sexual frustrations into the club, you’ve probably got a lady friend somewhere, in which case you likely could spend less effort charming her into giving you a private lapdance that ends much more entertainingly. I do not like them, Sam-I-am. Pretty lady, if I tip you nicely will you please go shake that sweet ass over there, on the stage, under the spotlights where I can see it properly, and the hell out of my personal space?

OK, micro-rant over. Meanwhile, back in the real world where lots of men are lap-dance hounds, Sam Sugar has some extremely detailed and very intelligent-sounding advice for getting great lapdances. It’s a long piece, but here are some of his suggestions:

The guys who have the best times in strip clubs are celebrities. The guys who have the second best time in strip clubs are the ones who make stripper’s lives easy. Here’s how.

• Order food. Stripping’s hard work, with long shifts and dancers are often hungry. If you have finger-food or pizza at your table they’ll hang out to eat and think you’re a nice guy into the bargain. Being liked means better dances (being licked means the dance of your life).
• Tip big. Strip club customers are walking ATM’s as far as dancers are concerned. Tip big early on and you’ll send a clear message there’s money to be made in spending time with you. Doing that means tipping more than average – 40-50% on your first dance should be enough to get a dancer’s attention (I never said this was cheap).
• Don’t touch. Most American clubs ban touching (travel abroad for more intimate interaction). If you sit on your hands your dancer will feel confident to push things, she knows that you want the sexiest time possible. The less excited you seem the harder she’ll try so relax. If you’re trying to penetrate her with your knee she’ll spend more time fending you off than getting you off.
• Make eye contact. Her eyes are the two white dots a foot or so above her tits. Look there occasionally and she’ll remember you know she’s a person.
• Buy her time. If you give a stripper a lot of money just to ‘talk’ she’ll assume you’re waiting for the chance to roll her in pepper and make a belt out of her hair. She’ll relax if she knows you understand the club’s just a thrill, not a dating agency, and she’ll work harder if it’s clear you’re smart enough not to blow your cash (don’t try the old “If I blow my cash on you, will you turn that cash back into a blow?” pickup line – it doesn’t work.)
• Be regular. This has nothing to do with taking a shit (unless you’re in a German strip club in which case you’ll know to leave before they play ‘The Strangler’s classic – ‘Golden Brown’.) Strippers survive via regular customers who ask for them by name. Being one means she’ll count on you coming round and make it worth your while when you do. That means your second visit should be more fun than your first.
• Buy her drinks. Many clubs require dancers to buy a set number of alcohol-free $10 cocktails each evening, ask her how many (it’s normally 2 or 3) and then ask how many she’s got left to shill. When you know, offer to get them all for her as long as she hangs out with you while she drinks. She’ll be relieved, flattered and grateful. Try not to think about what you’ve paid for – it’s mostly cola.
• Clap. Very few guys clap for strippers performing on stage, and most dancers hate being on stage. Clapping makes strippers feel more like dancers and less like vulva puppeteers. If George Clooney was watching strippers he’d clap and that dude gets laid all the time.
• Tip the stage. When a dancer you like’s on stage make sure she sees you leaving a tip. Aside from being universal code meaning “Congratulations on giving me an erection, come right over” this also reflects an appreciation of her art (I’m not kidding, I’ve seen strippers whose talent is worth a pair of large Pollacks).
• Be complimentary. Strippers know they have hot bodies, cute faces and great tits (if they don’t have any of those things, what are you doing?) If you can find something nice to say which isn’t clichéd or obvious you’ll stand out (“You work the pole like my kid sister, hey – come back.”)

Go wild, boys and girls!