March 2nd, 2006 -- by Bacchus
Shouldn’t Hurt To Ask For Sex
A wee bit of sexual sanity from Steff:
My lovers have carte blanche to roll over and begin playing with me anytime they want. They know there’s a chance I will say no or push ’em away, but a better chance I’ll say yes, and most importantly, they know I’d never fault ’em for trying. And you shouldn’t either. You should never leave your lover feeling trepidatious about sharing their desire with you. That should go without saying, but fuck, one could write a book about it.
Indeed one could. I’ve known men who dared not try to initiate sex with their wives, for fear that they would be (and this is a quote) “punished”.
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 2nd, 2006 at 10:01 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response.
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1604
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1604
Great post (Thanks Steff, and thanks Bacchus for pointing us to it). It’s something low-libido guys need to remember just as much as women… I understand how being constantly asked or nagged creates pressure and aversion but feeling like you can’t even ask for months on end is no way to live.
Thanks, Bacchus, for the linkage.
And thanks for clasping on to that particular paragraph. It’s pretty frickin’ sad we’re so scared to ask for what we want.
Punished. Pfft. I mean, who’s even at fault there? The wives for breeding a culture of fear around sex, or the men being pussy enough to let it happen? God. Takes two, don’t it? Sigh.
Thanks again.
I think this is good as long as both of you are truly into sex. If not (as in my marriage, where he just didn’t do it for me at all), it would have bugged me no end. But in my current relationship, where everything is firing, if my boyfriend went for the grope and a “how about it?”, even if I wasn’t in the mood it may well put me in the mood – nothing like feeling appreciated!
Hallelujah and amen! I used to make my husband feel that way and feared the damage could never be undone. It was a vicious cycle.
With a lot of help from the blessedly openminded exchange of ideas on the internet, we are having a lot of fun rebuilding the physical side of our marriage. I’ve learned what I like and how to communicate better about it. As a result, he has had some preconceptions about female sexuality, mine especially, readjusted.
It does definately take two, and I am loving the dance.
I’d guess a large number, if not a majority of other husbands in my age group (50-ish) have given up asking for sex in our marriages.
I quit asking and do without sex now because a request for sex invariably leads to rejection, threats of divorce, and days or weeks of bitching about anything and everything.
Why do we let this happen? Of the men I know, we love women, married our wives because we loved them, want to be loved by them, and would never force them to have sex. Should we divorce and lose our kids over sex? Most husbands I know suffer in silence.
MC — That’s pretty tragic.
I’ll never understand women who do that to men they claim to love, and I’m sorry that you’re in that boat.
Stories like that are kind of why I keep banging such drums as that — why many of us do. It should be unfathomable behaviour, but instead it’s all too prevalent.
For lack of anything better to say, good luck with that.
I think sex in relationships is drastically undervalued so your question re divorce and loss of kids is something I don’t have an answer for. Again, good luck with that, but you certainly have my empathy.
Sigh.