What would you think about a gal pal who complained that you didn’t properly eat the ice cream sundae she bought you? Or if your mother complained that you didn’t properly wrap the gift you gave her on Xmas? Or a roommate who complained that you didn’t properly water her plants?

Wouldn’t you see a reaction like that from a friend or a relative as emotional manipulation of the very nastiest sort? Not to mention controlling, petty, rude, and dysfunctional?

Please consider whether, in the future, you want to put up with your boy complaining about a wide variety of other things that he thinks you aren’t doing properly. For a man to complain about something GOOD that happened in bed, and then to add insult to injury by criticizing your sexual response, I have a difficult time believing he isn’t dysfunctionally domineering in many other ways. Most men would be jumping for joy that they not only helped you achieve orgasm, but that it happened more than once!

Hell, most men would be jumping for joy that they got laid by an enthusiastic & sensual partner!

Thanks, Rex

Being attentive and curious, I have noticed that women are different, and women are different over time, just like I would suppose that men are different. Satisfaction of one’s desire is what is important. Sometimes that explicitly excludes orgasm, sometimes they don’t matter, usually it includes it.

My wife orgasmed the first time I kissed her. She was alarmed and ashamed, but quite fortunately got over that. Later on she told me that she was afraid that I knew she had come at that moment, and of course I told her that it meant we had found true love. That was definitely a tremendous plus for me, but that was neither my responsibility or my creation it was hers. It was her response to me, at that time, in that place.

Since then she tells me that she will even orgasm if I grope her in my sleep, yet she had great difficulty orgasming with others. With all this, she still reports that there are times when her orgasms are occasionally far away or muted as the result of physical conditions, other concerns, or just because. The converse is also true. Sometimes orgasms will just seem to spring from nowhere with a touch. Sometimes sex is about much more important things than orgasm.

My first wife and one other lover could never have more than one orgasm. Sex became extremely painful for them after the first orgasm, one of them hated continuing sex after orgasm, while the other desired that pain most of all.

The real issue becomes one of trust. Can I satisfy you? Do I satisfy you? Do you have unfilled desire such that you might not be happy with me, that I might be inadequate. Or can I accept that you have that special joy with me even if, at this time, or this month or this year isn’t quite what I would like for us?

Strangely enough, though my wife and I shared a social circle for two years before dating, she refused my attempts at interaction and would back away when I approached her. A mutual friend broke one barrier, which led to four dates and then the kiss that rocked the world. My wife later confided that she had avoided me previously, because she thought I was a gay accountant and wondered why I wanted to talk to her. After the kiss that rocked the world, she became obsessed with the idea that I was an axe murderer — actually I am a biochemist with a strong interest in scientific computing. She claims before, and I know since, that she doesn’t normally classify people that way or have delusions about them. Obviously, she was terrified of the underlying attraction between us, whatever that strange thing called love is.

A relationship is what it is. What happens at any time, is what happens at that time. While understanding is most important, preconceived metrics and goals belong at work, not in romantic life. Relationships are very strange in the wonderful sense, it is best not to have preconceived ideas about what should happen in them.

The mutual friend that brought us together is a much older woman, who we both love dearly. My relationship with this older woman has grown from simple flirting to practically having phone sex at the dinner table (somewhat of an exaggeration), but is a strong platonic friendship when my wife is not around. Life is curious, relationships are curious. I would never have believed that these two women would become so central to my existence. One a real lover, the other a fantasy lover.

We are still held back from the true depth of our relationships with others because of our taboos and expectations. For me, probably because of my background, I try the scientific approach. No, not clinical, but rather like any healthy three year old I explore and evaluate as best I can to understand and enjoy what is.

Namaste,

Raven

I also orgasm frequently, while they are all wonderful, most of the time they are…well, let’s call them the every day orgasms. It’s great…but it’s not like the earth moved and the angel choir sang and a light shone down…you get the picture. There’s a sweet release…and then…ahhhh….

But sometimes, when we take our time, and Kev takes care to push all the right buttons in the right order, and slowly, slowly SLOWLY builds me to the brink of insanity…and then pushes me over…well THOSE orgasms are of the super special rare variety. The “pissing off the neighbors with the noise” variety. The kind where I can’t stop sobbing for 10 minutes afterwards (OK, I’m weird like that).

Those don’t happen every day. They are special, and we enjoy them. But we also enjoy the orgasms that happen in between those times. They are different, but still good.

It seems like J needs to get a grip on his ego, there. Or maybe an ex frequently faked, and he’s overly paranoid? He needs to understand that women are much more complicated than men (duh!) and can orgasm in multiple different ways, and while each of those ways may not earth shattering, they are ALL good.

And way to go with the nipple stimulating orgas! mine are very sensitive, but I’ve yet to orgasm with that alone.

Yes there are many types of orgasm and all of them enjoyable. And for me, sometimes not having one can be as much fun. Times when I am really focused on my partner and I am completely into what sounds they make, the way their body reacts, and how what I do influences their reactions–well, sometimes I put off my orgasm just to enjoy that.

I wish everyone would give up the myth of the One True Orgasm. If you are enjoying the sex, then don’t worry about it.