I also think part of these fantasies are culturally based, because women in western society (which is largely based on Judeo-Christian values) are told that they’re not supposed to enjoy or desire sex. Judeo-Christian religions also tell us that men are insatiable and unable to control their sexual desires due to the intense sensuality of women. So I feel like our culture almost encourages rape fantasies because obviously being sexual beings, women are going to desire sex. But by secretly dreaming about a man coming on to you so strongly that your protestations are fruitless, it’s almost like you get to enjoy the act without feeling guilty for admitting and giving into your lustful desires.

As a feminist this is a tough issue for me because while many women may enjoy being submissive in a consensual relationship, it’s completely different to experience actual rape. So I don’t like the idea of encouraging sick people who might take something like this as an excuse to rape women, claiming they secretly want it.

But at the same time, I think repressing something as strong and natural as sexuality is also dangerous. Like other people have said I’ve also had these kinds of fantasies ever since I was a child, even before I developed real sexual desires, or even a clear understanding of what sex was. So I think it’s completely natural and nothing to be ashamed of, although it took me a long time to feel this way. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I was actually shaking when I first admitted my feelings out loud, long after taking feminist classes where I learned how common they are. So I feel sorry for any woman taught to repress it, because who knows what kind of emotional damage that can cause in the long run. Like Susie said, I don’t think self-esteem has anything to do with it. If anything, the more self-esteem I gain the more comfortable I feel being open about expressing my sexuality. And it seems possible that telling someone they should be able to ‘overcome’ their feelings could reduce self-esteem if they’re unable to do so and remain feeling ashamed. I think two people should be able to act out any fantasies they want if it’s done in a consensual, mutually enjoyable manner. And I agree with Clover that there’s nothing wrong with being a strong feminist but still enjoy giving up control in bed, as long as relinquishing control isn’t a theme throughout every other aspect of your life as well.

My recent ex-gf used to say “No” in bed when she meant “yes”, I told her we needed to come up with a different system. She said “No means No, but Don’t means I’m playing and you can keep going.”

If I tie my gf up and do naughty things to her, is it rape when the police respond to a neighbor’s noise complaint about the screams?

aolso just because the fantasy turns you on doesnt mean youre all for it happening in real life. people have a hard time drawing that line too. …not that enjoying real life is un-allowed ;)