As one of them ‘sent to a Catholic school’ lads – although given that it was Jesuits and therefore perhaps not the most dogmatic of educations, I can relate to the whole ‘S**t happens, and I should feel guilty about it” school of thought around Catholic doctrine and sex education. However, my wife and I (also a good Catholic girl) have a very healthy and occassionally non-vanilla sex life (so I guess that would make her a very good Catholic girl) and now have 2 wonderful kids (one of each).

All that intro to say that I agree with Earl, Beard, Adrian, James, et al. As a parent, I want something that will at least provide some warning of objectionable material (porn, violence or otherwise – after 2 overseas deployments with both the UN and Task Force Afghanistan, I have seen enough to know that there are worse things than what can occur between consenting adults) but understand that, as a parent, I have to take responsibility for how my kids grow up. I know that there is little I can do to stop their exposure to objectionable content and my goal will be to put it in an appropriate context and have a frank discussion with them about it. And at the end of the day, that is what it is about – personal responsibility as a parent, doing the best you can and hoping it turns out well.

P.S. Since I have noted an appreciation for history amongst the regulars on this blog, I would offer the following interesting tidbit: Jesuit doctrine and educational practices were considered so dangerous that Thomas Jefferson wanted to make being a Jesuit a capital crime.

This argument sounds like the “sportsmen are role models” debate, wherein parents decry a footballer in rehab for ruining their attempt to raise a responsible child. Even my conservative Catholic dad says “If they think they have to rely on a footballer to present a good example, they’re not doing their job properly.”

I wasn’t overly exposed to sex and/or porn as a child, but it wasn’t a taboo topic, either, and my dad especially has a racy sense of humor that didn’t magically disappear when he had kids. I did get in trouble once when my mother caught me reading NC-17 slash fanfiction at 16 (and it really irked me that I could legally have sex at 16 but I couldn’t read about it!), but even then her words were “You can read as much of that crap as you want when you’re 18, but not under my roof and as a minor!” It didn’t stop me, just made me a lot more careful. And, as Adrian above got into photography because of porn, my fiction writing really improved by reading and writing slash.

Now? Well, I’m not in jail, I don’t have any STDs, I’m about to graduate college with a high GPA, and I know how to buy and use condoms and birth control. I’m a blatantly bi, kinky, sex positive pervert, which is probably on the “Bad” side of things for conservatives, but eh *shrug*. I am also able to be somewhat out to my parents about my proclivities, which I see as a real privilege when so many are shamed for doing what I do. I really think that porn should be treated like sex, in that the more knowledge the better. If you don’t like the misogynistic roles in porn and don’t want your kids being impacted by that, TALK TO THEM ABOUT SEX. If you catch your child looking at porn you don’t approve of, use that to start a discussion. “You know, a lot of movies like that portray women in roles that aren’t very realistic in real life. What do you think about that?” It’ll pave the way for them to approach sex realistically, but without stigma, as adults. /soapbox

I would use the same line when his friends would swear at our house. “It doesn’t matter what the rules are in your family. These are the rules in our house.”

When it came to porn, it was clear that he was surfing, and we had a talk about the differences between fantasy and reality, and not believing everything he read. But the most important part was a line I had seen somewhere: “Be very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out.” We discussed the fact that there are some very disturbing images on the Internet, and even discussed a few that had grossed each of us out, and that we would like to scrub from our minds.

He has now grown into a fine young man. He speaks very well and courteously around our house, though I know his language gets saltier in other contexts. He has a very nice and attractive girlfriend, and I expect a good and healthy sex life.

There are bad and scary things on the Internet. But there are bad and scary things in the world. To protect kids from the bad and scary things, it is not enough for the parents to keep them away. The parents have to teach the kids to protect themselves from the bad and scary stuff. Which requires a certain amount of exposure to it, with good parental judgment and good parental supervision, so they can learn to give themselves the protection they need.

Like some of the other commenters here, I discovered hormones in the age of really easy digital pornography. I downloaded my first JPGs in early 1998 (guesstimating) and had a few hundred megabytes worth by 2000. Both of my parents worked and didn’t get back until 6 PM, so I had plenty of time to get all the afterschool porn I wanted.

For a hormonal teenage boy, this is a lot of porn. I didn’t go looking every day, but Passerby‘s “same sex couple naked, one or both penetrated, displayed on black latex covered in oil” was small fries.[1] I remember reading a few bestiality stories, trying to figure out the attraction, and I accidentally wandered into a Dolcett archive once. I didn’t like those, but I certainly looked. I got Goatse’d and didn’t like that either. People are weird. Fantasy and reality are very different things. Kids can be much better about understanding that than adults would like to give them credit for.

Like any other activity, I think porn is what you make of it. It has precious little inherent morality. Tulsa mixed fantasy and reality together, and it started affecting her sense of self-worth. I liked Anthony Brown’s posts on Alt.Sex.Stories and started writing my own, hoping that maybe one day someone would enjoy something I wrote as much as I enjoyed Wulf. Tulsa let cybersex become part of her reality. I just took it as writing practice. By the time she was seventeen, she’d lied her way into a tremendously bad situation. By the time I was seventeen, I was… well, surprisingly good at writing. Some people see those seductive black-and-white dungeon photos and get into BDSM; I got into photography. Popups took control of Cand86‘s computer and scared her away; I learned how to lock the computer down and take it back (it helps that I was and remain a technical kind of dork).

In my case, at least, I think porn was a lot better for me than soccer or basketball might have been.

Porn is like alcohol, guns, or credit cards. Their value is in what you make of them. And, like alcohol, guns, and credit, I think that it’s far better to teach people how to deal with them responsibly than simply to hide them away behind some forbidden mystique and expect that maturity later, without benefit of experience.

[1] Incidentally, even at 14, I knew that “latex covered in oil” was bad juju. Give the kids some credit. You’ll ruin your latex. Use something water- or silicone- based.

In Philosopher’s Heaven, John Stuart Mill smiles.