Marriage: “The Shit Changes”
My sister, who’s been married a couple of times without finding much joy in it, has a number of complaints about married life. But her biggest gripe is the way, as she puts it, that “Once you get married, the shit changes! No matter how good all your love shit is, once you marry, the shit just changes.”
I was reminded of this by a comic essay on marriage, which includes this bit of wisdom:
During the first year of togetherness, you probably wondered if you were a bad partner for fantasizing about someone else to get off as your partner slept next to you, but now you’re able to say “I’d hit that” and have a serious conversation about whether or not Penelope Cruz’s accent would spoil sex with her. FYI, my husband and I agreed that we’d make it a bondage thing and ask her if we could duct tape her mouth shut.
Yup, that’s a change, all right.
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1247
Okay… but is the ‘shit change’ due to marriage, or simply the passage of time? I mean, I’ve been with my girlfriend for over three years, and shit has changed IMMENSELY since we first met. I don’t really see why the act of marriage would change shit so much as the years between now and then.
I think (and yeah, I’m young, I’m allowed to be idealistic) the keys to a successful relationship are clear and open communication combined with relative expertise on relationships. Research shows that people who try to come up with verbal reasons for a subjective preference will actually make incorrect decisions (i.e. people who verbally explain their relationship universally rate satisfaction lower after the explanation, people who explain why they prefer wine or jam choose inferior products and are less satisfied) unless they are experts in the subject.
To extend that, one has to essentially become a quasi-expert on the relationship, and an expert on the other person. That’s my theory, anyway. If you don’t know 99% of the ins, outs, quirks, and freak outs of the other person… you’re fucked. And if you don’t communicate clearly because of your inadequate knowledge, you’re super-fucked.
Case en pointe: a friend of mine is having a fight with his girlfriend because she was drunk, flirty, and then controlling and bitchy to him last night, and so this morning he was like “Hey, I’m sorry about what happened” and she said “Oh, it’s fine” as if she had done nothing wrong. He was stressed, had a cigarette (she hates smoking), and so she put up an away message about how much she hates him.
If they had both been clear about what was going on, why they were upset, and talked in person – and if she could admit to being drunk – there would be no problem.
In conclusion, people are stupid. QED.
Nothing is more the truth than the “shit does change” once you are married. As far as I am concerned, it is easy to stay married. Any asshole can put up with the same shit they put up with on a daily basis as long as they can find something that makes them happy personally. In my case, it has nothing to do with my wife. I have found the same to be true with many other married men. The brave ones are the guys or girls that get divorced when the getting is good. I can count on one hand the number of truly happy couples I have know over the years and I am now 46 years old. Frankly, I am not sure what it takes for a happy marriage in the first place unless it is just acceptance of what ever your spouse wants. I have seen that done and it works to keep the marriage going but there is a price. Someone inveitably sacrifices their desires for the desires of their partner. Who is happier in that relationship? I don’t really think anyone is because the person that makes the sacrifice isn’t happy and the person who gets what they want has only a doormat. Consequently, I don’t recommend marriage for anyone unless the person they are marrying is their best friend. Since that determination takes time, marriage under 30 is out of the question. In the event that I get divorced, I would not re-marry under any condition. Life is too short and the benefits of a healthy relationship have nothing to do with a legally binding contract/
I’ve been married a very long time. When I married MFC, we were so young, 20 to be precise. While I am still partly that 20 year old self, I’m more different than the same. The key is to grow in the same direction, which can’t be planned.
However,marriage is hard work. Really really hard work and if both people don’t work, it’s going to suck. I’d never stay married if I was the only one working.
But, as it happens, I’m a lucky girl and he’s a lucky boy. What works for us wouldn’t work for other people.
Oh and I find that being willing to discuss, in detail, just what I’d do should Angelina Jolie ever end up naked in our bed, does wonders for our relationship. That and calling him up and describing just what I’d do to him if he were standing in front of me, cock out.
The only constant in those 3 marriages have been her.
the shit changes
When we got married we recognised that relationships often change after marriage, so we made a conscious effort not to change. Obviously our relationship has naturally evolved over the years but we didn’t suddenly change when we got married.
Just be aware of the danger and don’t let it happen. Easy to say maybe, but it worked for us.
I don’t know, I don’t think it changes. Then again I’ve only been married for …three and a half months. But, we never really had a mushy period, you know, one of those idealistic romantic times. We’ve lived together for a few years, and then decided, hey, let’s get married. Everything is exactly the same. It’s almost like it didn’t happen, except now we have rings.
I think once you find a really good relationship, it just stays good, as long as both of you want it to. But maybe we are just lucky; we never fight, because we aren’t that kind of people. So, there isn’t much conflict. I know that other people spend half their time arguing… I can hear my neighbors :/