Our First Fight
Wish I could tell you it was a hot mashup of pleasure and pain, but it wasn’t. Just a stupid fight between J and I, helped along by alot of bad information.
J got back from a long business trip on Monday…..a very long trip. So we were both eager to get together and have some fun. He’s barely in the door of my place before his hands are caressing me…..stroking my flanks and gently tugging my t-shirt out of my shorts.
After he does that, his hands beeline for my breasts…..My nips are really sensitive, and he loves to tease me with nipple play. And he’s really good at it, his hands are marvelous. I don’t remember how we got there, but we got to my bed and he pulled up my shirt and started nibbling my nips….alternating between them and using his hands to keep the other nipple happy too. And I came from J’s breast play, a nice uncommon surprise.
Clothes came off, and I straddled J, teasing him with tongue and cunt, spreading my wetness over his cock….then I shifted to rub my clit against his penis and had another orgasm. Not a big one but still alot of fun.
After some more teasing J finally takes me the way I like it best, slow and teasing, and alternating deep and shallow thrusts. It doesn’t take much of that and I’m coming again, a slow motion build and release just before he comes too. He looks happy, I’m sure happy…..and everything seems great for a few minutes.
But then when some blood starts returning to J’s bigger head, he starts complaining that I didn’t “come properly.” I finally figured out that what he meant is that I didn’t have a huge, earth-shaking, When Harry Met Sally-type production. Um, no…..I don’t always have those, mostly because I can’t create them and I don’t always want to try to. Sometimes they happen and sometimes they don’t even though they might be expected to. But I come easily and usually come often, and that keeps me a happy girl.
So I start trying to explain to J that when I have sex I’m all about the coming but I can do that different ways. And he starts saying stuff like the only real orgasm is the Big-O kind, and that other stuff is kind of like faking it. Well, that made me mad, and I guess some of the things I said got him mad too….maybe he thought I was saying he’s less experienced when all I was trying to say is that I’m a woman who knows my body and loves to come, and how can he not like that?
He left and we haven’t talked since then. I haven’t told him about being a sex blogger yet, mostly because I’m not very good at it and a good way to start that talk hasn’t come up. But this might be a good way, because I don’t think I can convince him myself and I know I’m not the only girl out there wired this way. Sisters, can you help me out here?
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1656
Not a “sister” but maybe a guy can give some kinda insight here.
I had the same problem that he does for quite a while, and still have trouble with it. We men tend to have only one type of orgasm. I often felt like I was being lied to when my wife would tell me that she got off and I couldn’t tell. If it was one of her small orgasms, how am I supposed to know? We can easily tell if our partner has gotten off if it is the “mind blowing” orgasm and that is what we look for. Men, and many women, have been conditioned to expect only a big orgasm, those are the only ones you see in porn, movies, TV, or mentioned in magazines. I don’t think most people know about the little ones, especially because we men have no similar experience.
The real annoying thing is that there is no simple way to convince him that the little orgasms are really. If he thinks you are faking it then it really just comes down to trust. He has to trust both you and himself. He has to trust you to know your body well enough and to not lie to him. He has to trust himself to know that he is capable of getting you off and that you are not faking it.
You’re not the only one wired that way. My husband still can’t reliably tell when I’ve come – I’m just quiet. Always have been, always will be. The boy is wonderful and just waits for me to let him know that I’m done and it’s time to focus on him. :)
Guys are the same way, too – in what gets them off, and in how they react to an orgasm. As far as I can tell, the stereotype for men is that they scrunch their face up real tight before the big O – wheras my hubby stretches his out.
Let your guy know that every person is different, honey, and you’re no exception. If he can’t deal with this, who knows what else he won’t be able to deal with? =\
In my little world, any orgasm is a happy one. Sometimes they’re shudderingly long and leave me wrung out and panting, and sometimes they’re faster, shorter, but they’re always excellent. I spent a lot of my life to this point not able to orgasm at all, so I tend not to be picky and my person doesn’t seem to mind.
It would be like eating at a restraunt all the time (which if you’ve travelled much has probably happened). You just get sick of all the rich, complicated food. Sometimes you just want some salad and plain boring neither-stuffed-nor-sauced-nor-marinated chicken at home. And that’s good too. It makes the big ones stand out all the more.
I’m definitely the same way. Lots of little orgasms and few “big” ones. To top it off, I’m quiet. Not exactly the easiest thing for guys to read in bed. Just wanted to echo what WSTREET said – it comes down to trust. I’ve never faked an orgasm in bed and I’d be upset if someone accused me of it.
Hopefully he’ll come around and realized that as raine said, every person is different. And not all of us have porn star orgasms every time.
I hate that kind of fight, where both people have foot-in-mouth disease and can’t realise it/shut up until it’s too late. Unfortunately, criticizing the type/quality of your partner’s orgasm is an A-#1 way to ensure that your partner develops a complex and can’t come for a month.
If you really want to see him again, maybe you could just call him, tell him you miss him, and tell him that of course you had a good time, and of course he’s a stud, because why would you call him back otherwise? When you’re cool again, then you can get into the different types of female orgasm, and maybe force him to attend a performance of The Vagina Monologues until he gets the point.
One of the most useful things I ever read in a sex tips book was that an attentive man can’t be lied to about female orgasm. The book asserted that when a woman orgasms, there are unmistakable physiological indicators, including an additional engorgement of the labia and some fairly specific rythmic contractions. And, indeed, it’s been my experience that these indicators *are* present during certain unmistakeable (earthshattering?) female orgasms. It’s nice (when extreme histrionics are playing beneath your fingertips) to know you’re not “just” being humored.
There’s only one small problem with relying on this knowledge: namely, that it rather sharply constrains the definition of female orgasm. The female sex writers of brain (Violet Blue, Susie Bright, etc.) are fond of pointing out that (male) sex science neither respects nor fully understands the full range of female sexual experience. Remember, the mainstream sex science world is still full of bozos who question the sexual utility of the g-spot and deny the fact of female ejaculation. So defining orgasm narrowly (“it’s only real if it meets x, y, and z criterion”) is to deny the reports of women who describe a wide variety of orgasms that feel very different from one another. And that, my male friends, is not polite.
Men are always going to worry about whether they are making their women happy. And most men have been lied to enough that they don’t find it easy to accept “Oooh, that was a nice one” when they couldn’t tell it was happening. Yeah, this is our problem. And for J to try to define for you what an orgasm is — well, that’s not very nice of him. But as a man, I fully understand the insecurity behind the attempt. Obviously you’ve got to train him that you’re the one who gets to define “orgasm” for you, but if you can reassure him that you’re really not bullshitting him, that ought to help too.
Firstly, I honestly have to ask how old J is… If he’s over the age of 25, the he really, *really* needs to have a wake-up call that not all women come equally.
Secondly, you were completely right NOT to fake a humongous O right there in front of him – though I probably would have stooped to that level, if only to point out that having a humongous O is just as easy to fake as the slow-build, quiet kind… But then, I’m evil that way.
Third, you are also right in pointing out that not all women come equally – or even at all in some cases. There are those precious few who are unable to have orgasms – then there are those who have multiple O’s – the same amount of precious few. Then there’s the rest, who have the slow-build, quiet kind of orgasm sometimes, with the HUGE O the other times. It’s really a crap-shoot with what’s going to happen, because it depends on how the body is being stimulated and whether the brain has decided to allow everything to let go or not.
Finally – the big thing here is whether or not J did everything he was supposed to and completely satisfied you. If he did, then there should be no big deal. If he didn’t, then there should be a talk about why you weren’t completely satisfied, and why – whether it was something he did or didn’t do, or whether it was just something stressful that couldn’t be turned off in your brain (that’s happened to me ONCE… It was embarrassing, but I got over it – the guy I was with was sad that he hadn’t made sure I was completely out of my mind prior to coitus, and decided next time to double up on the foreplay).
So, that’s my two cents worth there – hope it helps.
~M
I am 100% with you. Sometimes I have little tiny ones that come from a long lovely build up of exquisite sex. The feel of my hubbies penis is so amazing that I don’t want it to stop and so I avoid orgasming just to keep that feeling. Then I end up overcontrolling it when it comes and it’s a gentle little warmth that washes over me. Other times I accidentally squeeze him so hard that HE ends up with muscle cramps (as do I!). Every different position gives a different “flavor” of orgasm and each rhythm or speed change or mood that I or he is in makes each orgasm completely different. Actually I have found that if I try too hard, even if I am ragingly horny, I won’t have the “big O” and that is due to overeagerness on my part. It has nothing to do with my hubby or his mad skillz. We have had similar emotional discussions about misinterpretation of the outcome, I have actually thought that He wasn’t really into it because he softened inside me. I thought it meant that he wasn’t enjoying himself. Hope this helps, sounds as though you had a lovely time up until the words part.
It’s true, you’re right– as a woman, I experience different kinds of orgasams. Trying to label one kind of orgasam as “The One True Orgasam” would be a real disservice to all the other, extremely pleasant kinds of orgasams!
Sex, of course, can be a very emotional experience. You’d probably get the best results if you bring up the orgasam-topic in a less emotionally-charged setting, and remind him that variety in orgasam’s the spice of life! =D
As a gentlemen of more years than I wish, and who has a wife who is, due to age, loosing most of her ability to have an orgasm of any kind, I think your man is way off base and needs an attitude adjustment of the biggest sort. Even if he learns toloerance of variety, he also needs a lesson in respect and humility. And I agree with many of the other comments, please, be yourself, always.
And my wife would agree, bring the discussion up in a time and place where tension is less likely to occurr.
Good luck
I am SO right there with you, Aphrodite!!! It is DEFINATELY possible to have different kinds of orgasms!
I also orgasm frequently, while they are all wonderful, most of the time they are…well, let’s call them the every day orgasms. It’s great…but it’s not like the earth moved and the angel choir sang and a light shone down…you get the picture. There’s a sweet release…and then…ahhhh….
But sometimes, when we take our time, and Kev takes care to push all the right buttons in the right order, and slowly, slowly SLOWLY builds me to the brink of insanity…and then pushes me over…well THOSE orgasms are of the super special rare variety. The “pissing off the neighbors with the noise” variety. The kind where I can’t stop sobbing for 10 minutes afterwards (OK, I’m weird like that).
Those don’t happen every day. They are special, and we enjoy them. But we also enjoy the orgasms that happen in between those times. They are different, but still good.
It seems like J needs to get a grip on his ego, there. Or maybe an ex frequently faked, and he’s overly paranoid? He needs to understand that women are much more complicated than men (duh!) and can orgasm in multiple different ways, and while each of those ways may not earth shattering, they are ALL good.
And way to go with the nipple stimulating orgas! mine are very sensitive, but I’ve yet to orgasm with that alone.
‘O’ he needs to get over himself… I have Big explosive ones and small ruptures… I think every woman does to some point (IF they orgasm at all).
I can have a nice slight one just thinking about sex… just enough to keep ME happy…Or an explosive tsunami one that rocks the entire block, with a little help from the husband/vibrator/whatever works!
After working in a family planning clinic, I have found that not only men, but women as well, have questions on what a real orgasm is.
Yes there are many types of orgasm and all of them enjoyable. And for me, sometimes not having one can be as much fun. Times when I am really focused on my partner and I am completely into what sounds they make, the way their body reacts, and how what I do influences their reactions–well, sometimes I put off my orgasm just to enjoy that.
I wish everyone would give up the myth of the One True Orgasm. If you are enjoying the sex, then don’t worry about it.
Mother eart is that way…. she has many many small earthquakes and then big ones. He needs to learn not to be obsessed about his performance in pleasing you and focus on just appreciating each other in bed. Besides the point of sex is not the big O but the feeling of being together and touching each other. If he cant understand that then thats his loss.
Namaste,
Raven
Sex is more than orgasm. Especially the particular species of orgasm under consideration, massive squirt, minisquirt, chaining waves, little poppers, the big O, the little riffle, etc. Intromission is superlative. Warm fuzzy contentment is underrated. Deep union and loss of self crests way above orgasm.
Being attentive and curious, I have noticed that women are different, and women are different over time, just like I would suppose that men are different. Satisfaction of one’s desire is what is important. Sometimes that explicitly excludes orgasm, sometimes they don’t matter, usually it includes it.
My wife orgasmed the first time I kissed her. She was alarmed and ashamed, but quite fortunately got over that. Later on she told me that she was afraid that I knew she had come at that moment, and of course I told her that it meant we had found true love. That was definitely a tremendous plus for me, but that was neither my responsibility or my creation it was hers. It was her response to me, at that time, in that place.
Since then she tells me that she will even orgasm if I grope her in my sleep, yet she had great difficulty orgasming with others. With all this, she still reports that there are times when her orgasms are occasionally far away or muted as the result of physical conditions, other concerns, or just because. The converse is also true. Sometimes orgasms will just seem to spring from nowhere with a touch. Sometimes sex is about much more important things than orgasm.
My first wife and one other lover could never have more than one orgasm. Sex became extremely painful for them after the first orgasm, one of them hated continuing sex after orgasm, while the other desired that pain most of all.
The real issue becomes one of trust. Can I satisfy you? Do I satisfy you? Do you have unfilled desire such that you might not be happy with me, that I might be inadequate. Or can I accept that you have that special joy with me even if, at this time, or this month or this year isn’t quite what I would like for us?
Strangely enough, though my wife and I shared a social circle for two years before dating, she refused my attempts at interaction and would back away when I approached her. A mutual friend broke one barrier, which led to four dates and then the kiss that rocked the world. My wife later confided that she had avoided me previously, because she thought I was a gay accountant and wondered why I wanted to talk to her. After the kiss that rocked the world, she became obsessed with the idea that I was an axe murderer — actually I am a biochemist with a strong interest in scientific computing. She claims before, and I know since, that she doesn’t normally classify people that way or have delusions about them. Obviously, she was terrified of the underlying attraction between us, whatever that strange thing called love is.
A relationship is what it is. What happens at any time, is what happens at that time. While understanding is most important, preconceived metrics and goals belong at work, not in romantic life. Relationships are very strange in the wonderful sense, it is best not to have preconceived ideas about what should happen in them.
The mutual friend that brought us together is a much older woman, who we both love dearly. My relationship with this older woman has grown from simple flirting to practically having phone sex at the dinner table (somewhat of an exaggeration), but is a strong platonic friendship when my wife is not around. Life is curious, relationships are curious. I would never have believed that these two women would become so central to my existence. One a real lover, the other a fantasy lover.
We are still held back from the true depth of our relationships with others because of our taboos and expectations. For me, probably because of my background, I try the scientific approach. No, not clinical, but rather like any healthy three year old I explore and evaluate as best I can to understand and enjoy what is.
The last time I tried to explain different types of o’s, I used this: They are like snowflakes. All snowflakes are completely unique, no two are the same. There are different categories you could sort them into (clitoral, vaginal, flurries of little ones, big fat fluffy ones, clenching, loose and wavy, slow and fluttery, noisy, silent and shuddery…) but each one is singular. Time, place stimulus, thoughts, feelings — what is that old saying? You never dip your foot into the same river twice. I’ve actually had someone try to shame me out of having a big noisy o! The noise discomfitted them, made them (THEM!) self-conscious. eesh. Explore with him when you mend this fence. The sights (the sex flush on your chest — why do you think men like women who blush?, yes, sometimes engorged labia, or a clit convulsing like a nose when you sneeze), the sounds (if you feel like it, or paying attention to breathing rate, heart rate), the sensations. Gentleness, understanding, education and communication will fill this breach. My very best hopes for you two!
It’s strange isn’t it? I had to explain to the Boy once that it didn’t matter whether I was orgasming every time. As long as I was participating I was enjoying myself very much.
That said- I orgasm often, about 3 or 4 times when we have sex, but mostly very quietly. I find that bigger orgasms tend to cut down on my ability to function, like my brain turns off for a little bit or something, and sometimes I really don’t want that.
But I did realize that I was being very quiet about my reactions to what he was doing and have been trying to be a little more audible in my reactions. Been encouraging him to do so as well. Like a highlighter pen or something, just making certain lines a little more obvious. heh.
it sounds like some deeper issue to me. maybe you guys just need to talk.
I’m not a very loud person myself, but I never heard a boyfriend tell me I’m faking it. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. and feelings we might have definately alter our perspective. maybe he’s hiding something and that energy comes out by blaming you of faking. be careful, I say. best of luck to you.
Do we get a follow-up on this story? We are all still holding our breaths waiting for the outcome on this one. This is a blog of happy endings and we need to know that J gets the O and all cums out well in the end…
Thanks, Rex
He was complaining that you didn’t come properly? *Complaining?* WTF?!!
What would you think about a gal pal who complained that you didn’t properly eat the ice cream sundae she bought you? Or if your mother complained that you didn’t properly wrap the gift you gave her on Xmas? Or a roommate who complained that you didn’t properly water her plants?
Wouldn’t you see a reaction like that from a friend or a relative as emotional manipulation of the very nastiest sort? Not to mention controlling, petty, rude, and dysfunctional?
Please consider whether, in the future, you want to put up with your boy complaining about a wide variety of other things that he thinks you aren’t doing properly. For a man to complain about something GOOD that happened in bed, and then to add insult to injury by criticizing your sexual response, I have a difficult time believing he isn’t dysfunctionally domineering in many other ways. Most men would be jumping for joy that they not only helped you achieve orgasm, but that it happened more than once!
Hell, most men would be jumping for joy that they got laid by an enthusiastic & sensual partner!