August 28th, 2006 -- by Bacchus
No Sex Before, No Sex After
From L. Neil Smith’s Tactical Reflections:
It has been my experience of life…that a girl who says she doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex usually doesn’t believe in sex after the wedding, either.
This entry was posted on Monday, August 28th, 2006 at 12:02 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response.
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1708
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1708
It may be even worse than we think. Here is a story from teh BBC on a German study about sex drive for men and women in relationships:
Security ‘bad news for sex drive’
A woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.
Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.
Conversely, the team found a man’s libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship.
Writing in the journal Human Nature, the scientists said the differences resulted from how humans had evolved.
mmmm, I wonder if this is one study where Culture plays a big role.
I’ve talked to lots of people who still dig sex for years after their marriage. I’ve read that women experience a dip in sex drive, but less than 50% wanting regular sex?
(although it Does explain why I heard about one guy who always divorces his wife after 3 years)
It isn’t true! I’ve been married for nearly 5 months now, and I couldn’t honestly say that we’d had sex more than once a month and it isn’t because of any lack in libido on my side. Silly me thought his disinterest before the wedding was just stress, but it turns out I was wrong. We didn’t have sex once the whole honeymoon!
Oh well. What can you do? Other than masturbate several times a day. But even that gets boring after a while.
I’m 11 years with my man and I CRAVE sex
10 – 12 times a day +….
He has to cut me off because I’m too wild!
We were living together for 10 years and
got married last June. I want him more now..
more than ever!!!!!
on eof the causes of the breakup of my marriage was HIS lack of interest in sex. NOT mine.
My wife was a 24 year old virgin before she met me, and we got offically engaged AND had our own private marriage cerimony we never told anyone about before she would have sex with me. She imediately blossumed into a total whore in bed and now 12 years latter is still willing and eager to do anything I ask to give me sexual pleasure.
How many before and after marriage experiences with women who don’t believe in pre-marital sex has L. Neil Smith had anyway?
Decnavda, how many have YOU?
Rhetorical question, designed to illustrate that you don’t get anywhere by stacking your anecdotal evidence. One anecdote is as valid as another, and none of them prove anything.
You also can’t refute a point based on anecdotal evidence by sharing a contrary anecdote.
One of the main reasons, but NOT the only reason, I married my wife was because of her healthy sex drive. We have now been married for 6 years and have two daughters. We have sex about 2 times a week. I guess that is most then most married men in my position but if that is how much sex I was getting before we got married, things would have been different.
Sex may not be the most important thing in marriage but without it you don’t have a marriage at all, you have a roommate. I don’t need a roommate, I need a wife.
If you don’t take care of your man, then he will find someone who will. That is just a fact.
Just another version of events… Having kids can change a lot of things about a woman’s drive. Spontaneity can go by the wayside, exhaustion plays a role, and it’s still a common thing for the woman to carry more than her share of the family burden — often while she’s working full-time outside the home. Maybe if a guy gives the little woman a hand, she’ll find herself more inclined to take care of him.
sage lives up to her name.
I often hear ‘anecdotal evidence’ about how women find a clean house sexy, because it means their man has put some effort and thought into a gesture for her. Most men don’t care too much about a messy house (no surprises), but most women do (for whatever reason). The fewer things on a someone’s to-do list, they more they can relax and enjoy themselves.
If you want your partner to be more relaxed, take a few things off that to-do list for her. Make the kid’s lunches, clean up, wash the dishes, do some laundry.
What’s more manly, sitting in front of the TV while your wife cleans up, or having wild sex with your wife because the housekeeping was done as a joint effort?
I agree.
I guess that is the reason I have sex with my wife more then the average husband. I help around the house.
It is all about taking care of eachother’s needs. She needs help with the house work and I need sex.
Bacchus –
Actually, you CAN refute an anecdote with an anecdote. The point of the contrary anecdote is to demonstrate that the first anecdote does not describe a universal truth. As for your claim that “One anecdote is as valid as another, and none of them prove anything,” EXACTLY. That was MY point. I never implied that my experience was typical. L. Neil Smith’s quote there DOES make such an implication.
If you do not think that either anecdote proves anything, why did you post Smith’s? And if you agree that my anecdote is as valid as his (0=0), why do you seem to be irritated by my anecdote but not his?
Decnavda, I don’t want these threads to turn into logic 101. If the quote author had been, or I had been, asserting universal truth, your comment would make more sense. But what I see is one man sharing his experience, another man sharing contrary experience, and then the second man (you) snidely suggesting that the first man must be wrong, if he only has the one anecdote to counter yours.
You can’t refute something that never got claimed. And when you argue with stories by telling a different story, it’s arrogant to then say “I win unless you have more stories than I do.” Which is the implication I took from your comment.
As for my own view, I quoted the quote because it’s a common and valuable human experience he’s sharing, one I’ve heard about from many sources. Universal? Obviously not, nor did anybody ever say so. But is it an experience worth sharing, a potential state of affairs worth considering and commenting on? Of course it is. And so, too, is yours, if only you had refrained from trying to play the “I’m right and you’re wrong” game after sharing it.
Smith’s quote does not say “my wife” or “this particular woman” or “Mary”. The quote says, “a woman”, which is a gramatical way of universalizing the statement.
I shared my experience as being about my wife. There was nothing in my statement which can be construed as suggesting that my experience is universal or even common. Simply my experience of one data point.
I then questioned how many data points Smith could have. I was not saying I was right and he was wrong – how could I, as one anecdote does not contradict another. I WAS suggesting that the gramatical universalizing of his experience was wrong.
Without more context, I think my interpretation of Smith’s intent was correct. I can see a non-frivilous argument that I may have read too much into it when thinking it was meant as universal, or at least as a general rule. However, I cannot see a non-frivilous agrument for reading my intent as suggesting that my experience is universal or common, and I remain perplexed at your hostility to my attempt to make the exact same point that you then tried to make against me.
If you had responded to me by suggesting I was reading too much into Smith’s quote, that would have been much more appropriate than reading the same non-existant intent in my statement, with far less gramatical support, and then using your misreading of my statement to attack my logic skills. And then, after I explained I was making the same point you tried to use against me, you AGAIN accussed me of “play[ing] the “I’m right and you’re wrongâ€? game.
I *suspect* your hostility comes from the fact that you agree that Smith’s quote is, if not universal, the general rule (“a common and valuable human experience he’s sharing, one I’ve heard about from many sources”), and, applying common with-us-or-against-us reasoning, assumed that anyone questioning your beliefs must be asserting an opposing belief. But that is just a suspicion, I could be wrong. Perhaps you just hate people whose screen names begin with a D and end with an a. Or perhaps you just always argue with the 6th commenter as a debating exercise, I don’t come here often enough, so I don’t know. It IS clear that your hostility has nothing to do with trying make a reasonable interpretation of what I wrote.
I have to say I wish I’d heard Smith’s comments before my first marriage. Good Christians, my fiancee and I waited until after the wedding. I’m now on my second marriage with whom I have a great sexual connection which we exploited immediately. Subsequently, I’ve advised both my daughters to not consider marriage until they had sex. (Though I have also advised them not to consider sex until they’re reasonably certain they want to marry the person.)
I was a virgin on my wedding night. I don’t recommend it. After three years of marriage (together 7 year before that and lived together for one) I still have a vivacious appatite for sex, I just dislike intercourse. Fortunatly my husband (also a virgin) is patient, we go slow and do lots of other things. Maybe if people are willing to expariment,take thier time and above all else communicate more wedding night virgins would learn to enjoy sex.
Anecdotally speaking, it’s been my experience that married or not, the frequency of sex wanes, not waxes, as the life of the relationship progresses, so if here’s no sex before, you’re not even likely to be the recipient of flirtations afterward…