Stripper Problems
What do you do with all the “extra” one dollar bills? Hobo Stripper has suggestions:
You know how it is: the end of the night, a huge wad of ones, and the bartender won’t cash them in for you. You use them to tip out, you use them for your stage fee, and you’ve still got a stack thicker than your thumb. You kept shoving them in your purse, and now your purse is overflowing with them and you can’t find anything. Don’t worry, you’re about to know what to do with all those ones.
#1. Take them to the bank. They’ve got dollar counting machines just for these kinds of situations. When the manager shows up to ask you if the dollars are real and what happened to them just be honest. Tell them the green stuff is blacklight paint that you rubbed all over yourself before making boob prints on a t-shirt for the bachelor last night, the sticky white stuff is whipped cream from your candy girl show, and the slippery white stuff is your special combination of lotion, water, and dish detergent that looks just like semen.
She’s also got a warning:
Whatever you do, do not save up a thousand of them and try to use them to buy new tires. The last time I did that they called the police and I almost got arrested.
Actually, what strikes me hardest is the bartender that won’t cash them in. Yeah, everybody who pays attention knows that strip clubs managers don’t tend to give a shit about strippers. But the clubs are making cash deposits every night, they’ve got an infrastructure in place to get the cash safely to the bank, and they know the girls tend to have chaotic lives full of vulnerability. Plus, a consumer-grade bill-bundling machine costs about ninety seconds of operating revenue for the average club. The decent thing to do (yeah, I know, not a phrase often heard in the stripping trade) would be to instruct the bartender to exchange the damned bills.
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A friend of mine who is head teller at a bank told me a stripper story once. These 2 good looking girls came in and handed over about $2000 in one dollar bills to cash in. However, as he flipped through the bills to face them, all kinds of little hairs came out and fell all over the counter. There was also some unidentifiable sticky stuff on some of the bills. After they cashed them out and the girls left, they put the money in the vault. He told me it sat there for a couple of years because no one wanted to touch it.
You mean the bar/nightclub does not need the ones to make change at the bar for all the cheap-skates still sticking one dollar bills in various clefts and crannies in this world of $3 buck gasoline???? I would have thought the joint would want them for the next shift….
Course up here in Canada the smallest paper bill is a fiver so either the girls are being fed like the slots, they get a lot fewer bills, or something…
Well, many bartenders will change them, and some clubs do need the ones. Other clubs don’t want to waste the bartenders time trading in ones for a gazillion strippers.
After reading ams199’s comment, two things occurred to me that made me chuckle:
1.) This explains why the woman at work wouldn’t take my $3 for the office wide pizza party until after the party.
(I had offered it when I arrived, which was shortly after the pizza, and someone drew me aside in confidence to explain to me that she was known to dislike handling bills, and always had to THOROUGHLY wash her hands after touching currency…)
2.) I’m sure that had they known, somewhere out there are numerous individuals who would have jumped at the chance to offer to swap $5 bills for every $1 bill that had previously been tucked into some attractive stripper’s “various clefts and crannies”…
It’s worth pointing out that currency in general is the most unsanitary item that most of us handle on a daily basis. Frankly, “stripper money” doesn’t strike me as likely to be any worse than the bills as found in daily use. Have you seen the typical man’s twenty-year-old, sweat-stained, cracking, trash-filled leather wallet? Have you sniffed it? I’m sure it smells like stale ass. Women generally, and strippers in particular I would hope and imagine, keep their “clefts and crannies” cleaner and fresher than that.