The Yeti presents (in exchange for pies) some theories about why women are attracted to assholes. (This is pretty much an eternal mystery to us guys who work at being nice fellows, and who are consequently richly rewarded by the friendship of numerous women who would never dream of sleeping with us.)

One of the Yeti’s theories, which I think has merit, goes like this:

Women want a MAN. Someone who makes decisions, follows their own course, isn’t afraid to speak his mind, has a purpose in life, protects his family and friends and country, and treats other people with respect when they deserve it. They can not stand a pansy. When confronted with the choice of an asshole or a pansy, they will always go to the asshole because at least they have a shot at tempering his rough edges. It is impossible to install a spine in a pansy.

Interestingly, in the comments someone points out the obvious – that it’s possible “to NOT be a wimp and simultaneously NOT be an asshole” – whereupon one of the pie suppliers makes it clear why this is a bad idea. I’ve never seen a woman admit this before:

And those other breeds you speak of–the unwimps and unassholes–they’re called “friends”. I could singlehandedly corrupt every stinkin’ one of them, but I choose not to.

Well, that settles it. Anybody got a copy of “The Nice Guy’s Compleat Guide to Becoming An Asshole Overnight In Order To Attract Women?”

Note to the humor impaired: I am kidding. There is a better way, the trick to which Halley has documented extensively.