Choking The Man-Bitches?
Lydia Lee shares her bewilderment about choking scenes in porn in this post. The scenes exist, I’ve seen ’em. But I’m with Lydia on this one: I don’t understand why they’re supposed to be sexy. The best theory I can come up with (when the choking is done with a penis in the throat instead of hands around the neck) is that maybe it’s supposed to be somehow affirming of the vast size and virility of the male schlong. But as Lydia writes:
I know asphyxiation is a turn-on for many. It’s also dangerous alone because some people actually die, so having a partner — I suppose — is better than doing it alone and possibly dying. Still, I don’t see what’s sexy about it. There. I have had my Pollyanna moment. Though now I’m curious if there’s site dedicated to chokin’ man-bitches out?
That last is an interesting question, actually. I’d expect to find it in gay porn, which presumably has its own gonzo niches. More interesting from a gender-politics perspective would be a femdom version. I trust Rule 34; these things are probably out there. If they’re not, that would say something very interesting indeed about the gender politics of choking.
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As a cisgendered Dommy guy I can only give you the heteronormative perspective.
But, it’s something I love, and something almost every submissive woman I’ve been with has liked to a greater or lesser degree.
I think it’s really the essence of physical sexual domination (and submission). I remember a time with a girl (that I love very much) I only get to see irregularly (our schedules don’t align), and as soon as she came into my hotel room, I put my hand on her throat, pushed her against the wall and gave her a deep kiss while I felt her up with my other hand. When we broke for air, she looked me in the eye and said, “Man, that *never* gets old”.
I’ve found that women have extremely varying tolerances of it. For some, it’s just a light hand at the throat; for others it’s pressure on the *sides* of the throat (avoiding the windpipe and the resultant feel of really *choking*); and then for others (generally those with little or no gag reflex, which I presume is not a coincidence) they want the feel of the pressure across the windpipe.
Again, I think the sexiness comes from the total domination/submission it implies; in a literal sense, her life is in my hands; I am at the moment where (if I were a murdering asshole), I *could* crush her throat. I’m *not* a murdering asshole, but I think a lot of the hotness comes from literally putting your life in your lover’s hands.
Now, that said, I’m actually really a nice guy (please don’t tell anyone), and I’ve never choked someone so hard she blacked out (and I’d find it very worrying if I did). I do have one lover who *really* likes being choked and I probably get her to the point where she’s also having a little erotic asphyxiation going on, but I wouldn’t go any further than that. And, yes, there’s an element of danger there, but it’s surely a lot safer with a non-choked partner in charge of it, and I don’t think it’s inherently worse than a lot of the other stuff I have to be Safety Officer for as a Dom.
DeeAre, thanks for that! It’s just the sort of thing I I’m always looking out for on this blog — why people like the stuff they like.
DeeAre has made me go all wobbly. But I hate the porn scenes, because they’re so ridiculously overblown and downright ugly. They’re doing it wrong.
My pleasure, ma’am.
That’s not a ridiculous complaint (as much as I hate telling anyone they’re doing sex “wrong”).
But I’ll also note that there are lots of different internal states for external behavior. Just as a man might run for fun; or because his Doctor told him to; or because he’s late for a train; or because he’s being dragged by a doberman; or because he’s being chased by a bear – the same external behavior can have many different internal states.
I do think one of the big divides in D/s is between the fantasy of giving – where the submissive is giving all of his or herself to the Dominant – and that of taking, where the Dominant is taking whatever he or she wants.
Using “he” and “she” for “Dominant” and “submissive”, respectively (but only because that’s my personal experience – I am confident that you can reverse genders here and still have it be true): There are women who fantasize about a strong man taking whatever he wants; and men who fantasize about doing anything they want to a woman, regardless of her desires. But, there’s another side; a man who wants a woman who’s so overpowered – not necessarily physically – by a man that she’ll give him anything. That, when I put my hand on her neck, she doesn’t recoil, but lifts her chin up to give me a better grip.
I think a lot of the porn is made for folks in the former group, for whom D/s is about *taking* – though it may just be cynical economics, because, it’s still pretty hot for those of for whom it’s about giving. And I’ll admit for me it’s not always cut and dried either way, and embracing ambiguity (and irony, in the classical sense) is one of the things I love about D/s kink.
I know Bacchus will get this reference, but, “On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?”
-D.R.
For people too young, or too lazy to Google:
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Will he offer me his mouth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his teeth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his jaws?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Again, will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:]And will he starve without me?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:] And does he love me?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] I bet you say that to all the boys!
For typical body types, a woman choking a man isn’t equivalent to a man choking a woman. Women have proportionately less upper body strength and smaller hands, while men have thicker necks. Also, in most cases women would have to reach up.
Speaking for myself, a woman’s hand on my throat does not incite nearly so much as wearing a collar or smothering. Although I know a lot less about gay porn than strait porn (of which I know very little), it seems that men choke each other a lot and women choke each other some but are also more likely to facesit. Perhaps somebody who knows more could confirm.