She Does Not Like The Taste

In all my decades of porn appreciation, I have seen many different blowjob faces. In 20th-century porn especially, it wasn’t too hard to find a model who was doing it for the money and failing to conceal distaste. But, then as now, there was considerable overlap between porn performers and other kinds of sex workers. Keeping a professional face on was more or less the norm, although feigning genuine appreciation was done to a lower standard than today.

I also fancy that the world has relaxed and a lot more people make a regular diet of dick now. Whatever they may think of the taste, it’s not an unwelcome novelty.

But you know what? From the first porn I ever saw until now, this is the most disgusted blowjob face I’ve ever seen:

I found it in Volume #1, Issue #1 of an undated $10 magazine called Stroke that’s perhaps from the 1970s.

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Cream Buns

Do you like cream buns? How could you not like cream buns?

These ones belong to Eden West, shooting for True Amateur Models.

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“…And It’s A Dessert Topping!”

Much has been written about the many unintuitive benefits of semen, even if many of the claims over the years have been jokey, implausible, or make you wonder “Hey, did a dude make this idea up?” But one thing I have not seen claimed is the idea that jizz makes a good leather conditioner. This enthusiastic hand-job lady, however, seems pleased enough to try it out for that purpose on her leather jacket!

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Probably Not Buttermilk

This anime bondage image might depict somebody using dairy products to satisfy their forced feederism fetish. It might… but it probably doesn’t:

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Slaking Her Thirst

She’s thirsty, and he’s got just the thing:

Artist not known.

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A Cooling Fountain Of Spooge

A long time ago I posted a smaller version of this street art. Today I can repost in a better size and with an attribution (from here) to an Australian street artist known as Lush. There’s a bit of a Lush interview also to be found at that link.

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My Mother, The Semen Chef

Beware the lies your children tell about you at school:

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Squirting Cum Lube

It’s no secret that some people have a sexual appetite for playing with cum that exceeds the volume of cum one man can readily produce on any given evening. Lining up more men to produce more cum is certainly possible, but can be logistically challenging and/or tiresome; and sometimes — amazingly — there’s a shortage of ready volunteers. Thus is born the market demand filled by a product called Squirting Cum Lube:

The new Squirting Cum Lube is specially designed and colored to duplicate the appearance and the feel of real cum! This water-based lubricant can be used inside a realistic squirting cock dildo, on a genuine real life cock for stimulation, or to lube up a dildo or vibrator for easy insertion.

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The Virtues of Semen

ErosBlog has done jokey and unserious posts before on various supposed medical effects of semen; see, e.g., Swallow, It’s Good For The Baby and Anal Sex: It DOES Make Your Butt Bigger. Now, however, I’m linking to research psychologist Jesse Bering’s blog post at Scientific American about completely serious (possibly wrong of course — science is ever fraught with peril — but still completely serious) research into the antidepressant effect on women of vaginal exposure to seminal fluid. It looks real and substantial, even leading to a measurable effect on suicide rates:

Semen has a very complicated chemical profile, containing over 50 different compounds (including hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins and immunosupressants) each with a special function and occurring in different concentrations within the seminal plasma. Perhaps the most striking of these compounds is the bundle of mood-enhancing chemicals in semen. There is good in this goo. Such anxiolytic chemicals include, but are by no means limited to, cortisol (known to increase affection), estrone (which elevates mood), prolactin (a natural antidepressant), oxytocin (also elevates mood), thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent) and even serotonin (perhaps the most well-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).

Given these ingredients–and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering “drugs” found in human semen–Gallup and Burch, along with psychologist Steven Platek, now at the University of Liverpool, hypothesized that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants. To investigate whether semen has antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the SUNY-Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous, written questionnaire about various aspects of their sexual behavior. Recent sexual activity without condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the woman’s body. Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.

The most significant findings from this 2002 study, published with criminally modest fanfare in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , were these: even after adjusting for frequency of sexual intercourse, women who engaged in sex and “never” used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who “usually” or “always” used condoms. Importantly, these chronically condomless, sexually active women also evidenced fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether. By contrast, sexually active women, even really promiscuous ones, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence. In other words, it’s not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but instead happiness appears to be a function of the ambient seminal fluid pulsing through one’s veins.

And it gets better. A smaller percentage (4.5 percent) of the sexually active women who “never” used condoms were less likely to have attempted suicide than were those who “sometimes” (7.4 percent) and “usually” (28.9 percent) and “always” (13.2 percent) used condoms.

The usual scientific disclaimers, especially those about correlation, causation, and confounding factors, do apply and have not been neglected; whether they’ve been adequately considered is beyond my scientific skill to discern. Of somewhat greater concern is the fact that this knowledge, if knowledge it be, is potentially dangerous if thoughtlessly put to use in your sex life. As Jesse Bering put it:

[A]lthough the data and information … oozes with the promise of dramatically improving virtually every aspect of your wellbeing, it can also be abused with tragic–even fatal–consequences. This is so much the case, in fact, that I debated the merits of popularizing this material and do so here only with great circumspection and caution. So please be wise in digesting this semen-related knowledge, and be wiser still in applying it to your own sex lives.

…

[K]nowing that the penis is capable of dispensing a sort of natural Prozac … without also considering the viral arms race involving sexually transmitted infections, can lead to very tragic decisions indeed and many undocumented high-risk private bedroom “experiments.” But here’s just one reason to put the brakes on such plans: The HIV-virus, which evolved long after these adaptive antidepressant factors, has apparently come to pirate human semen, such that certain protein factors in seminal plasma, particularly a protein called prostatic acid phosphatase , make HIV up to 100,000 folds more potent than it is outside of the plasma.

Verbum sapienti satis est.

She’s Ready For Her Cream Rinse

She’d heard good things about the new salon. Her friend Myrna told her to be sure to ask for “the special”. And, special it indeed was!

Via Kinky Delight.

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Swallow, It’s Good For The Baby

I can’t believe this medical knowledge hasn’t been more widely distributed. You’d think guys would be printing this on handbills and posting it on every flat surface. I quote now from a blog called MommyLogic:

If you’re thinking about conceiving, or certainly if you are already pregnant, there is some pretty convincing evidence that instead of just swallowing, say, folic acid, you might want to swallow something else.

Let me be delicate about this, if I can.

As far as I can tell, not only should you be having lots of oral sex with the father of your baby — even up to a year before conceiving — you should also make sure to ingest his seminal fluid. Listen to what I’m telling you: the international medical community is giving you an Rx for oral. Sure, they say frequent intercourse is good, too, but oral is better. So, if you care about having a healthy baby and not potentially unleashing what scientists call a “destructive attack on the foreign tissues” of your fetus, if you want to avoid immunological disorders during pregnancy, and I’m sure you do, get to work. Or to pleasure, depending on how you feel about it.

Basically, the research says you need to be able to tolerate your baby’s foreign, paternal DNA; in other words, you need to get your body accustomed to the stuff, need to cozy up to some daddy double helix for a while so your body doesn’t reject it.

I’m no doctor, just a pregnant lady with Google, so maybe I’m horribly confused, but here is what I found excerpted online, from the Journal of Reproductive Immunology:

“While any exposure to a partner’s semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman’s chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen.”

I could not make this up. Gastrointestinal absorption of semen. I know. For the man in your life, this news should not be hard to swallow. Sorry.

According to a group of Dutch researchers, “exposure to semen provides protection against developing preeclampsia.” That’s from a paper with the catchy title, “Immune Maladaptation in the Etiology of Preeclampsia: a Review of Corroborative Epidemiologic Studies.” Or you could use the subtitle: “Semen is Your Friend.”

I just can’t figure out why the whole “blue balls” thing has gotten so much traction with men, but they never got ahold of this medical morsel.

Thanks to Sexoteric for the link.

She Walks All Over Him

The trampling fetish, in which men fetishise being walked on or stomped on by women (I haven’t heard of the gender obverse version, which is not to say it’s not out there) has a long and colorful history, from Japanese geishas forward. But I was stunned to see it so explicit in this fragment from a 1950s magazine advertisement for fitted sheets. She’s stomping all over him, there’s probably two kids and a dog bouncing offscreen to the left, he’s looking up her lacy night-slip (or whatever you call that thing) with a big grin on his face, a great time being had by all, and it’s all because of the miracle of fitted sheets!

George Clooney’s Sex Pillow, Redux

Remember a year ago, when I blogged about George Clooney and his sex pillow? Well, I finally got in to see Burn After Reading, the movie he was making when that picture was taken.

It’s a passably decent movie with some great character acting, made me laugh quite a bit, worth the price of the ticket. But the second-best part was watching George make a dramatic exit that was all about taking his sex pillow with him, in the best “I’m taking my marbles and going home” fashion.

Did I say second-best? Yes. The best part was watching him show his new internet hookup/date the secret device he built in his basement with stuff from the home improvement store. But that, you’ll have to see for yourself.

Old Faithful

Look out! I think it’s gonna blow!

Tasting Mrs. Filbert

I’m really not sure what I can say that would be useful about this vintage margarine advertisement. Except of course, the obvious: When I see the phrase “taste the sweeter flavor a woman makes”, I’m not thinking about margarine. My guess is, even in ninteen-fifty-whatever, neither was Mr. Filbert, who was probably laughing his ass off for the entire time this ad was in national distribution:

Via Vintage Ads.

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Harem Nights

Here’s another old magazine advertisement to fire your weekend’s fantasies:

A Penis Moment

From Vintage Lust:

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Rimming Molly In The Basement

You don’t see too many fictional accounts of rimming, and this is the first I’ve ever seen that has a little funny twist at the end. It’s from this story by Vinnie Tesla:

Impulsively, I bury my face in an armpit, and drink in her sharp animal smell. She’s moaning and laughing at once as my beard tickles her delicate skin. I lick along the line of her shoulder blade, the muscles there flexing as she struggles playfully. I throw her tee-shirt to the ground, and push her against one of the basement’s grimy cinderblock walls. I pin her arms above her head, and give the other armpit a more thorough treatment.

She starts out laughing and twitching, but this gives way to quiet moans, that get louder when I bite. I release her arms and run my lips over the pale, freckled flesh above her bra. Impatiently I pull the bra up over her tits, and fix my mouth over one of her nipples, crinkled tight in the basement’s chill air. My hands find the catch of her bra, and it joins her tee shirt on the floor. Once again she grabs my head and holds it tightly as I worry and suck at her fat little bud. I hold her other breast in my hand. The flesh is breathtakingly soft, and fever-hot. I pull the nipple roughly, stretching the crinkles smooth. “Yeah,” she whispers in my ear, her hot breath sending shivers down my spine, “yeah.”

Still cradling my head with one hand, her other strokes the front of my jeans, and cups my cock with her open palm. “Mmm, nice,” she purrs.

“You like it?” I ask, my hands kneading her breasts, “soon it’s going to be buried in your cunt.”

She looks me in the eye teasingly. “Just my cunt?”

I open and close my mouth several times like a goldfish. So much for my attempt at the suave dirty-talker.

Molly laughs at my expression and begins struggling to get the legs of her overalls over her boots. Watching her breasts sway as she works, bent over, is irresistible. She tugs the overalls down her thighs, and sits on the floor to pull them off. Then, with a yelp, she’s up off the cold, damp concrete again, rubbing her chilled ass.

“Here, let me help with that,” I volunteer, and squat behind her. “Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Molly, you have got an amazing ass.” Broader than I expected, exquisitely round and smooth. Dusted with pale freckles. Flawless, so far as I can see. Groaning, I grab her hips and bury my face in that exquisite butt, licking and biting at the smooth, taut flesh. She presses back against me, and wiggles her hips slowly and sexily, enjoying the attention. Eventually, though: “Weren’t you gonna help me get my clothes off?”

“I got sidetracked,” I admit, and jerk her panties down to her knees before resuming my feast.

She begins skeptically, “That’s not a whole lot of– oooh, that feels good.” I’m kneading her cheeks hard with my hands now, while licking teasingly around the top of her crack.

“Bend over,” I tell her.

“Yes, sir!” she says sarcastically, but does so, resting her hands against the wall, and spreading her legs as much as her bunched clothes will allow. I stroke her ass lightly

“You want me to?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, almost inaudibly.

I pull at one of her cheeks, exposing her hidden parts. The skin of her anus is surprisingly dark, and fringed with wispy reddish hair. Below, the lips of her cunt are fat and swollen. She flinches a little when the wet handiwipe from my pocket touches the sensitive flesh of her asshole. I run it over the surface a few times, and then drop it onto the floor. My hands spread her cheeks, and I begin running my tongue along the skin just above her anus. Then I move down, and lick at her perineum, drawing a gasp from Molly. Finally I bring my tongue to her clenched little orifice, and rub against it with gentle pressure.

She lets a little shriek escape, followed by a low moan. I feel goosepimples rise on her muscular thighs, as she reaches down and cups her cunt in one hand. I’m alternating broad, spiraling licks with tighter, more aggressive ones, loving the feel of her soft flesh against my face. She’s slowly undulating her hips; each breath out is a long quiet moan.

The rocking of her hips accelerates; her voice rises in pitch. I (teasing bastard) rise to my feet and draw her up too. It takes a moment for her eyes to focus again, and then I’m seized in a bruising hug. “Oh, wow,” she says dreamily, “Oh, that was really nice. I haven’t done that before.”

“My *pleasure*,” I say emphatically. “But I’m a little confused. You said you wanted me to rim you, right?”

She grins. “I wanted you to *spank* me, you twit.” Before the blood can stop roaring in my ears, she continues: “Now help me get these off!”

Of course she does eventually get her spanking, which is how (via Spanking Blog) I came upon this story.

Feminist Porn Wars

With a few notable exceptions, this sex blog generally stays away from the feminist porn wars, which always strike me as being in the nature of unhappy negotiations over the way political correctness ought to be defined by and among its most cutting-edge advocates and devotees.

Still, the wars continue, whether I blog about them or not. Case in point: this account from Audacia Ray, about some flack she took for allowing oppressive patriarchal semen to touch women’s bodies in a porn movie she made:

I was on a panel called “Good Porn for Good Girls” that featured some female porn directors. When I first found out about the panel, I was a little apprehensive — the idea of me being a good girl is kind of funny (to say the least), and it’s also annoying that despite the fact that I’ve never called The Bi Apple “porn for women,” other people enthusiastically slap that label on it. I’m a woman, and a self-identified feminist. Ergo, my porn must be for women.

Really, I find this tiresome — I made The Bi Apple for people who want to see a slightly different vision of sexual interaction, people who are queer or pansexual or just plain curious about people and bodies and fucking. Women are of course invited — but so is everyone.

…

Anyway … the panel quickly devolved into an argument about blowjobs. A few audience members questioned the prevalence of blowjobs in Erika Lust’s films and the extent to which giving a blowjob is a feminist act. Erika quickly said that she personally likes giving blowjobs, which is why they are in her films so much, and she personally is a feminist, so do the math. It definitely seemed like the crowd didn’t buy this explanation.

I’ve seen this happen too when people ask “Why do the men in your movie ejaculate on the women’s bodies?” and my answer “I asked the female performers where they wanted the cum, so it’s all up to them where it’s deposited” is often greeted with skepticism. This kind of skepticism is the stuff of “false consciousness” — or the belief that if only we (being Erika, me, and female porn performers who like getting cum on them) were radicalized to better understand our oppression, we would know that cocksucking and money shots are Bad For Women.

Stripper Problems

What do you do with all the “extra” one dollar bills? Hobo Stripper has suggestions:

You know how it is: the end of the night, a huge wad of ones, and the bartender won’t cash them in for you. You use them to tip out, you use them for your stage fee, and you’ve still got a stack thicker than your thumb. You kept shoving them in your purse, and now your purse is overflowing with them and you can’t find anything. Don’t worry, you’re about to know what to do with all those ones.

#1. Take them to the bank. They’ve got dollar counting machines just for these kinds of situations. When the manager shows up to ask you if the dollars are real and what happened to them just be honest. Tell them the green stuff is blacklight paint that you rubbed all over yourself before making boob prints on a t-shirt for the bachelor last night, the sticky white stuff is whipped cream from your candy girl show, and the slippery white stuff is your special combination of lotion, water, and dish detergent that looks just like semen.

She’s also got a warning:

Whatever you do, do not save up a thousand of them and try to use them to buy new tires. The last time I did that they called the police and I almost got arrested.

Actually, what strikes me hardest is the bartender that won’t cash them in. Yeah, everybody who pays attention knows that strip clubs managers don’t tend to give a shit about strippers. But the clubs are making cash deposits every night, they’ve got an infrastructure in place to get the cash safely to the bank, and they know the girls tend to have chaotic lives full of vulnerability. Plus, a consumer-grade bill-bundling machine costs about ninety seconds of operating revenue for the average club. The decent thing to do (yeah, I know, not a phrase often heard in the stripping trade) would be to instruct the bartender to exchange the damned bills.

Semen And Intelligent Design

“You know why God is a man? Because if God were a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.” — Comedian Carrie Snow

Chad Meets Jesse

Meet Chad Rock. Chad is horny and bored.

Then Chad meets Jesse. Jesse comes on to him. Chad starts thinking with the little head, and momentarily forgets his momma’s advice about not talking to strangers in bad neighborhoods. Hello, Jesse:

Events transpire. Time passes. Slowly — too slowly — Chad begins to realize that Jesse is one of the people his mama was warning him about:

Uh oh. Chad’s helpless and in trouble. What vile perversions is Jesse going to subject him to?

Ohnoes! It’s worse than Chad could ever have feared! He’s all tied up and getting a big sticky wet willie!

Sadly for Chad, and to his rueful surprise, it is not an accident that the word “willie” has suddenly appeared in this conversation.

Guess what? Willie wants to play, too.

Nobody asks Chad. Bondage can be handy like that.

Now Willie has Chad’s full attention.

As they used to say in those Victorian novels, perhaps it’s time to draw the curtain on this tender scene…

Smothered In Peanut Butter

This is like that hoary old story about the girl and the dog and the basement. Only, presumably true. (Because why would Dominatrix Next Door make this up?)

Yesterday a client asked me to smother him with peanut butter.

This was bewildering, but it was not objectionable, either. I gamely put on a pair of gloves, smeared peanut butter on my palms, and clamped them over his mouth.

He squirmed a lot and carried on some vague, muffled roleplay about punishment and begging. “Can’t hear you! No one’s going to help you! You’re just going to have to take it,â€? I declared, refreshing the peanut butter whenever it looked like it was melting down his chin.

He seemed happy. I couldn’t understand what he was on about, but I’m never too worried about a man whose hands are both free to jerk off.

Reprinted here as a reminder. You don’t have to understand a kink to be sanguine about it.

I’m never too worried about anybody whose hands are both free to jerk off.

Thanks to Spanking Blog for the link.

Sex Is Messy. Don’t Worry About It.

From a sex basics article for “guy virgins” about the practicalities of sex you don’t learn by reading, or by watching porn:

Messiness

You probably know this already, but overall sex is messier than what you see on TV or in porn.

• You’re going to get hot and sweaty of course.
• The woman’s lubrication is going to dribble all over the place and possibly stain the sheets. Someone is going to get semen on them at some point. Condom wrappers are going to litter the ground. You may kiss passionately and slobber all over each other.
• Sometimes when you’re doing a girl she’ll fart. I heard it has something to do with the thrusting pushing air into her abdomen but don’t quote me.
• Sometimes when you pull out and she changes positions she’ll fart out her pussy (queefing).
• If you have sex when she’s on her period, well use your imagination.
• If you have anal sex you may get some poo on your dick.
• If you have a good session, when you’re done you’re going to be sweaty, red faced, tired, and a bit out of it. Your hair will be messed up, gross stray hairs will be stuck to your skin, the girl will have a bit of white goop running out of her cootch. You’ll have a bit of cum dribbling out of your dick. There will be at least one condom wrapper on the floor, the sheets and pillows will be all over the place, and the bed will have a wet spot on it. If you cuddle after you’ll start to stick together and it’ll feel gross when you pull apart. It’s great.

Link via Sexoteric.

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ErosBlog FAQ

Editorial Note as of 2015: This FAQ is obsolete in many respects. My apologies. — Bacchus

I get asked a lot of questions (both by email and in my comments) and some of them are Frequently Asked Questions. So, for ease of future reference, here’s a FAQ. Comments are welcome.

Erosblog FAQ Table of Contents:

Linking Questions: How do I get an ErosBlog link?
Moderation Questions: What happened to my comment?
Attribution Questions: What’s the source of this?
Advertising Questions: Can I buy a link or banner?
Press Queries: Can I interview you?

BLOG LINKING

Question: Would you like to exchange links?

Answer: Sorry, but almost certainly not. I don’t “trade” links. No, really, I almost never do. I link to sites I think my readers might like, and I encourage you to do the same. As Guy Kawasaki puts it:

I don’t get this “exchanging links” thing. IMHO, you should link to a blog if you believe it’s good for your readership. The other blogger should link to back your blog if she believes it’s good for her readership. In a perfect world, linking is about quality, not reciprocation.

A link trade offer translates to: “I don’t really like your site enough to link to it. If I did, I’d already have your link up. But, even though your site isn’t worth linking to, I’ll do it anyway… if you’ll link back.”

Sorry, but if that’s how you feel, I’m not interested.

Question: So, if you don’t do link exchanges, how do I get my new blog listed on ErosBlog?

Answer: So sorry, but you probably don’t. So many new blogs start strong and promising, but they fade after a few posts, or after a few weeks, or after a few months. Most of the “new” blogs I add to my blogroll have been going strong for a year or more. Otherwise, the link maintenance chore of deleting moribund blogs gets completely out of hand.

An exception to this is if I catch myself doing multiple posts about a newer blog. If I like your blogging enough to link it a few times, your blog will probably wind up on my blogroll. No linkback required, although it never hurts — nobody’s immune to flattery.

Question: OK, but I’ve been blogging for awhile. If you don’t trade links, what do I have to do to get a link on ErosBlog?

Answer: The honest answer is that you have to tickle my fancy with your blog. But I can’t define how to do that. I can, however, offer some “Do” and “Don’t” tips. This is not some dictatorial manifesto, these are not hard and fast “rules” I pulled out of my ass, these are just advice, heavily colored by my idiosyncratic blogging tastes:

• DO send me an email linking to a recent blog post you made that you think I might like, with a sentence about what it’s about. I probably won’t answer your mail, but I frequently do look at these, when I have time. It’s the best way to get me to look at your blog, much better than just sending a link and saying “Please have a look.”
• DO link to me. I know that sounds hypocritical, when I don’t do link exchanges, but it’s really not. A link is a compliment, whereas a link trade offer is a veiled insult. Compliments work, and flattery will get you everywhere. Plus, I do read my logs with great curiosity, so having traffic coming from your blog is guaranteed to get me looking at it.
• DO participate in the ErosBlog comments. Write substantive comments, ones with multiple sentences or even paragraphs, to distinguish yourself from the drive-by “Hot pic!” link droppers. If your comments are valuable, they will be noticed, and I’ll be clicking your link to see what else you have to say.
• DO make sure your site looks like a blog. Too much advertising (as in, I can’t find your blog posts for all the flashing banners, or the first post appears “below the fold” because of your “above the fold” advertising) discourages linking. So does not having a blogroll. As the adult blogging tips at Spanking Blog put it: “I get tons of link requests from ‘bloggers’ who don’t link to anybody. They use blog software, and they write something every day, but they don’t participate in the blogging community. They don’t link to anyone and they don’t have a blog roll. I don’t understand this mentality. I mean, why would you ask other people to link to you, if you can’t be bothered to link to anyone else?”
  

• DON’T (oh, please don’t) “ask permission” to link to my blog. Everyone in the world should already know that the fundamental root reason for putting something on the internet is to invite people to link to it. If I didn’t want links, you couldn’t link to me. If you can see me, you already have permission to link to me. And so, after the first thirty or so, these “May I link to you?” requests begin to look and feel like a sneaky passive-aggressive way of saying “please look at my blog.” If that’s what you want, you’re way better off just saying so.
• DON’T hope for a link if your ‘blog’ is a spammy porn blog with no content. I don’t have anything against porn, but most porn blogs are boring. If all you’ve got is generic porn thumbnails, tired porn marketing text (“look at this hot bitch fingering her slut mom”), and links to pay sites, don’t bother. Of course, if you’ve got entertaining commentary about the porn, that’s a whole different ball game. Blogs featuring high-quality carefully-selected porn in an intelligent way also have a shot, if the advertising is kept to a reasonable dull roar.
• DON’T ask for a free link if you know you should really be inquiring about advertising rates. Do you have a marketing program and/or an advertising budget? Is your site or blog principally for the purpose of selling something or drawing attention to your products? Are advertisements or marketing materials the most prominent thing on your site? If so, you should be asking me about ad rates.
• DON’T be a drive-by link-dropper. Link droppings are not attractive, and we try not to step in them. By link dropping, I mean leaving comments like “Hot!” or “Nice pic!” or “Cool!” — stuff that’s shorter than the URL you so carefully typed into the box provided. Lots of new bloggers do this; it’s the lazy spam version of the “Do participate in the comments” advice above. Trouble is, once you are in my head as a spamming link dropper, the odds of me ever visiting your site (much less linking to it) decline toward zero. Good comments usually take the form of short paragraphs, not sentence fragments.

COMMENT MODERATION

Question: Why did you delete/moderate my comment?

Answer: Most likely because you weren’t nice. I ask ErosBlog commenters to be civil, friendly, polite, nice. And I enforce that. We don’t welcome flaming, aggressive debating style, snark, or even strong sarcasm. Yes, I do break these rules myself, sometimes. But I live here.

You may also have been moderated for substance (or, more usually, lack of it.) If your comment was condemning any sexual practice or kink, suggesting that anybody or anything is “sick”, calling anybody names, saying something rude about someone’s physical appearance, inviting people to visit your own website, or saying anything at all that’s got nothing to do with the post the comment is made under, that would explain why you don’t see it.

Sharing your fanciful sexual intentions (“I’d like to jump her bones, heh heh”) is another good way to get your comment moderated, especially when done crudely. (Explanation) Also, we don’t play the “Is it real or is it Photoshop?” game here, because (a) comments that a photo is not real tend to expressly or implicitly imply that the commenter is smarter and more perceptive than whoever posted the photo, which is rude, and (b) such comments lead to flamewars because everybody has an opinion, but nobody has any data. Even a friendly reservation (“I’m not sure if that’s real, but if it is…”) will often get moderated, because it invites twenty-seven unwelcome comments on the “real or Photoshop” topic.)

Here are some posts I’ve made over the years about my moderation policy:

Don’t Be A Dick
Condemnators Redux
Crapping All Over Beauty
Sure Cure For Spammers
A Note For Our New Spammers (by Aphrodite)
Blogging Without Comments
Cracking Down On Handcrafted Comment Spam
Spam Robot Finally Rolls 00 Versus Turing
Trying Harder At The Turing Test
Civilization, Assholes, and Internet Communities

ATTRIBUTION QUESTIONS

Question: Where did you find the picture you just posted? Is there a link? What’s the source of this?

Answer: I actually get a little offended by these questions, and they usually don’t make it through moderation. Since October of 2002 I’ve been faithfully posting and linking. If I know the source of something, I post the link. Without fail. Either the link where I got it, or the original source (if I know it) plus a link to where I found it. Every. Damned. Time.

You don’t see a link? It’s because I don’t freakin’ have one.

How is that possible? Well, let’s see. First of all, people mail me stuff and ask not to be credited. Or, there’s the fact that I’ve been downloading dirty pictures from Usenet and the web since about 1994. Right-click-and-save-to-hard-drive has been a reflex for more than a decade. These days, if I think “I’m gonna blog this” I’ll make sure to save source info too, but that doesn’t help with the half million images I accumulated before I started blogging.

If there’s no link provided, it’s because I don’t have one. OK?

Question: Do you know where I can find more pictures like the one you posted?

Answer: No. If I did, there’d probably be a link. Otherwise, Google is your friend.

Question: Will you please email me some porn?

Answer: Hell no. Use Google. Sheesh! (I actually get this one at least once a week.)

ADVERTISING INQUIRIES

Question: Can I buy a link or a banner?

Answer: Sure! Just drop me an email with the site you’d like to advertise, and I’ll send you a rate sheet. Or just check the sidebars for “your ad here” style links — more and more of my advertising space is being sold through brokers these days. The exception is probably text links. For these, please be prepared to buy at least six months of advertising at a time, and to pay in advance at rates that exceed the cost of brokered banner space. If you’re selling sex-negative or dangerous or worthless crap — herbal penis pills, breast enlargement creme, porn for the audience that despises women — please don’t bother. And don’t even ask if you want to buy generic “keyword” anchor text; I don’t blind link my users to random destinations for any price, and “sex toys” or “free cams” doesn’t tell them enough about where they are going. You’ll probably need to put your brand somewhere in the link, so the link looks like the kind of links human beings actually post and use.

Question: Would you like to join my affiliate program and then put up my banner for free?

Answer: Almost certainly not. Most affiliate programs suck, especially the cookie-cutter ones that use “standard” affiliate software. The stats reporting is bad, the percentage paid is bad, the affiliate program software is rude or clueless or tailored for non-adult sites, the terms of service are ridiculous and one-sided or unfit for bloggers, or the product is bad.

On the other hand, there are a handful of adult businesses that have unique products, great customer service, a sex-positive attitude, a strong brand or reputation — if that describes your company, and you have an affiliate-friendly program too, by all means let me know about it. If, however, you’ve already asked and the response you got was a link to this FAQ, it’s because your program is covered by the paragraph above.

Question: Can I buy a blog post talking about my site / product / event / whatever?

Answer: Email me. It’s possible. But it’s not cheap, and there’s always an identifying “sponsored post” banner so readers will know what’s going on. I won’t shill for your product and pretend I’m just blogging normally; that’s not an advertising service that ErosBlog will provide.

Question: Would you like to review my product?

Answer: If it’s a virtual / downloadable thing, no. There’s just no time, and it amounts to unpaid work for me.

However, if it’s a physical thing (a sex toy, DVD, book, or whatever) you might have a shot. The Nymph and I enjoy getting free stuff in the mail. Reviews are not guaranteed, but if you do get one, you can count on it taking forever. I’d guess we (eventually) review about twenty percent of the stuff that gets sent for review, so you’re taking a chance. Email for the review item shipping address. [2012 update: We do almost no reviews now. But we still like to play with free sex toys if they are sufficiently unique. And there’s always that chance that you’ll get a mention if your product is sufficiently impressive. So, sending review stuff is almost certainly a losing game, but if you’re an optimist or really confident about your product, it might be worth a try.]

PRESS INQUIRIES AND INTERVIEWS

Question: I’d like to interview you for my blog or publication. Is that possible?

Answer: Sure. Email me. But before you contact me, you might want to have a look at the interviews I’ve already given:

Interview With Bacchus (Sunni’s Salon)
The Buccaneer of Bacchanalia (Susie Bright)
Understanding Humankind (Atrocidades)

Revision History:
9/14/06 – FAQ first published
10/16/06 – added sentence about moderation of feedback on photos
10/24/06 – added sentences about prohibition on “real or Photoshop” game
7/20/07 – added Guy Kawasaki link exchange quote
3/6/12 – numerous updates

Just Joking Around In Sexyland

In which Rollertrain, who works for a major porn purveyor she calls Sexyland, discovers the limits of workplace humor:

Cleaning house for the arrival of the entirety of my siblings, all six of them, and my second mother. In an effort to save money, I send out one of those work-wide emails asking if anyone has spare air mattresses, as we have two actual beds.

“Do you mind years of sweat, shit and semen stains?” emails one of the gays.

“So long as you clean off the AIDS,” I reply.

Apparently homophobia and AIDS still aren’t funny at porn companies.

Sexual Science

Here’s a sort of fun link, courtesy of Violet Blue. The Taste Tester: One Woman’s Attempt To Help Men Taste Better chronicles Ava’s attempts to make her boyfriend’s semen taste better through dietary changes. Should be fun to see what she learns.

Fair warning, though: by the sex positive standards of this audience, Ava’s a bit porn-negative and quick to call her boyfriend an idiot for wanting to come on her tits. On the one hand, she’s being a fine sport about the whole semen-in-the-mouth business; but on the other hand, a man ought to be able to express a fantasy without having his lady want to “smack some sense into him.” Hint: When a man tells you he’s “horrified with himself” and “acting like an idiot”, he’s most likely backpedalling furiously and regretting his moment of honesty, rather than feeling actually repentant. Good luck getting the next fantasy out of him!

I Found Cock Heaven!

I don’t know who the “experts” are talking about when they say girls don’t get as turned on by seeing naked bodies as guys do. That definately doesn’t describe me! Even though I’m kind of in a relationship, I still love to look at penises. Hard, soft, cut, uncut, smooth, veiny, these hunks of living sculpture amaze me with what their hydraulics can do……and do to me. Every time I see a nice one I think of how it might feel and smell and taste, and how I might try to please its owner…..and by the time I wake up from my daydream I’m always moist and wiggly, wanting some action. A guy can do lots of things to make a girl happy, but what counts most with me is how he uses his cock. Some guys have been surprised or embarassed when I’ve taken a long time and enjoyed looking at them, but they all end up not caring because they find out that I want to enjoy their penis as much as they do.

So anyway, I was looking for some good pictures and tumbled into cock heaven. This fine specimen is ready for a slow slide into someone.

You can find many more inspiring pictures at the Documentary of Free Penis Pictures. Their pictures and survey responses show alot of variety in cocks and their owners, and I really like why the site was built:

Our purpose for creating this site is to allow people to see penises in many different forms WITHOUT being subject to any unnecessary subject matter such as homosexual sex pictures, heterosexual sex pics, or any other type of sexual activity. We feel this is a necessary project because there are thousands of companies that are trying to convince men that their penises are not the right size, they are somehow abnormal in shape, or their ejaculations are not good enough. There are too many advertisements on the Internet today that try to convey the message that every man needs a huge penis in an effort to sell a scam. This is simply not true. Hopefully we can dispel some myths about penis size and shape. In addition, we also hope to show that the picture angle and position of the penis can cause a man to “look” bigger or smaller. The truth should be known — Penises come in many different sizes, shapes, and colors. Ejaculation amounts normally range from a few drops to over a tablespoon and can range in consistency from a thin clear liquid to a white or dark yellow jelly-like substance. All are normal and functional human variations.

So here’s to dick, in all his glory!

Erotic Forest

When I was just a kid, I remember seeing some brightly colored surreal erotic landscapes in a Penthouse magazine, featuring breast mountains, penis volcanoes, semen rivers, and the like. The latest erotic drawing by Patty at Creative Spanked Wife put me fondly in mind of that long-forgotten pictorial, but I like this better:

What you see here is a severely cropped-and-reduced thumbnail of Patty’s drawing, so be sure to go see the whole thing at full size.

Quit Your Job, Improve The Shape Of Your Ass

I’ve long preached to anyone who would listen that the old-fashioned “square” office job is deleterious to everyone’s health, welfare, liberty, human dignity, sweetness of breath, semen flavor, you name it. Now comes the unsuprising word from Just One Bite that it’s bad news for the shape of your ass, too:

Strangest result of not having an office job anymore: my ass is changing shape. Really! I have wide hips but small buttocks, which have gotten rounder and firmer since I stopped squashing them on a desk chair for 10-12 hours each day. Feel free to grab, pinch, or fondle at will.

Oral Sex Is Standard Equipment

Throughout my adult life, I’ve noticed that a standard question for sex advice columnists is the “my partner won’t orally pleasure me, what should I do?” question. And for years and years, I’ve been seeing the same sets of tired suggestions for cajoling him/her into it, leavened with the occasional “learn to do without if you really love them” advice.

Leave it to Dan Savage to put all the cards on the table and acknowledge that the head train has left the station. It’s a new century, folks, and standards are higher. The old hangups just won’t fly. Sez Dan, in a pair of word-for-word identical responses:

About time somebody said it.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Brutally Honest Talk From A Married Man
• It's Better With Cookies
• Shedding The Burden Of Virginity

On The Dubious Pleasures Of Adultery

On the one hand, my ErosBlog editorial policy is to refrain from trashing anybody’s sexual choices. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve ever been heard to say anything nice about adulterous affairs. Not because I feel judgmental or condemnatory about them, but for a much simpler reason: all the real-world examples I’m aware of have caused or resulted in a degree of pain that calls the net hedonic benefit into question.

I don’t think this little excerpt from Have to Share is any exception:

I drove the 3 hours down, spent maybe an hour with him, purely sex. Then I made the 3 hour drive back. He hasn’t really spoken to me since. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore. He says he cares for me, but the majority of the e-mails he sends are describing sexual escapades he would like to have in the future. I write him a little of both. I love him. I love the person he is. However, he reminds me of the way my step-brother that molested me in how he treats me. I am wonderful for his amusement over the webcam. I am fascinating when describing sexual adventures for the future. I am amazing when I’m on top of him. Yet, when none of this is going on, he is too busy too speak to me. He’s too busy working. Or, he’s at home, too busy with his wife.

Ouchies.

The Hot Action Guide To Make-up And Aesthetics For Young Women

From an exceptionally hot entry by Philip at Hot Action:

Your lipstick colour should function as an advertisement for the colour of your nipples. Whether it’s the sweetest pale pink or the deepest golden brown, let me know what I’m getting. Take your time to find the correct shade. It’s important. ….

Putting on lip gloss is a surrogate for holding your breast in one hand and my hard cock in the other as you squeeze hot slippery fluid out of my cock-head and rub it around on your nipple.

If you’re just sitting around at the bar, an even better plan would be to take your bottle of Astroglide out of your purse and squirt a little bit on your fingers.

Rub your fingers together. Then rub your fingers on your lips. Close the bottle and put it back in your purse. Wipe fingers on skirt. Look me in the eye. Smile.

This has never actually happened to me, which is probably a good thing because I think my cock would rip right through the front of my pants.

If we chix don’t take his advice, this is what could happen to us. sigh… Well, we can wish for it!

More Blowjob Etiquette

Bacchus has already blogged about the relationship between buying a house and blowjob frequency. Celebration BJs are also a lamentably common occurrence. I don’t understand that, but in the interest of assisting those poor girls whose oral skills aren’t well-honed, here’s some advice from Santa Claus:

But those lonesome and lonely on Christmas who decide to sleep on the couch by the fireplace wishing for their White Christmas to be both sticky and on their face, well, I’ve got some tips for you:

• Brush your teeth and gargle before going to bed. There’s nothing worse than someone who’s had a whole plate of chicken wings and then gums your knob with hot sauce. It feels like I’ve just screwed a lit yule log.
• It doesn’t matter if you’ve been naughty or nice. Go down on Santa and you’ll get a present.

There’s more for your amusement where that came from, at Christmas is Full of Crap.

Diverse Amusements

Took off Thursday night for a road trip, to see a good friend that I haven’t seen since high school. She’s now a mom to three girls (yikes!). Didn’t expect much to happen that was worth mentioning here, but I was–happily!–wrong.

First, the girls are big PowerPuff Girls fans, so episodes were a near-constant backdrop to our conversation. This line caught my attention: “You’ve got to eat it, to beat it.” Turns out they weren’t talking about what I immediately thought of (despite the verbs being backwards), but some evil broccoli-space-aliens. It was actually a pretty clever episode.

My friend and I had lots of fun being giggly and catty. One conversation kept us laughing throughout the evening … I was telling her about my first live-in lover, and how he hated how I dressed in the winter. No, I don’t go in for those cutesy holiday-oriented items … I like wool. I like the feel of it against my skin … but he hated it, said it was too itchy to wear without a lining or layer underneath, and looked horrified, I reported to my friend, “… when I got dressed for work wearing a wool sweater and wool slacks and –gasp!– nothing on underneath!”

Amid giggles, she accused me of having a wool fetish, which set me to wondering (amidst various jokes concerning woollen condoms and the like), is such a thing documented? Fetish Network doesn’t appear to have anything … Trusty Google doesn’t show much either … a funny story that isn’t really on target … Sweaterbabes, which is somewhat closer … could it really be that I have, unknowingly, created a new fetish category? :blush: I doubt it, but it’s an amusing thought nonetheless.

And, since it’s Saturday, a relevant sex ‘toon: The PowerPuff Girls get naughty with Kenny from South Park:

Fake Celebrity Facials

Lately Fleshbot has been all over (if you will pardon the expression) the fake celebrity facial photos genre. First they linked to Project Barkley, and now they’ve found another resource (which alas seems to be staggering under the load just now).

Although semen on a woman’s face is not really my thing, I’m enough of a fun-minded pervert to understand the appeal of the fake celebrity angle. After all, doesn’t Willow seem more approachable when you see her with “your” own cum dribbling from her lips? And who wouldn’t enjoy those gorgeous eyes and that smile under similar circumstances? A man would have to be dead.

I do have to wonder, though, how the celebrities in question feel about it. Yeah, I know, they are well paid and richly compensated in other ways by the popularity which nominates them for this particular indignity, but these are still real human beings with husbands and boyfriends and maiden aunties and little brothers and other such folk in their lives who might find this sort of imagery disturbing.

I’m not going to lose any sleep over it, but we now live in a world where your face and mine and Britney’s are all equally fair game — raw material for whatever digital mix might amuse a fickle public. Already you know that high school boys are circulating “photos” like this in the locker room, starring the homecoming queen and the entire cheerleading squad kneeling in a sticky row. How long until you can beam a mugshot of your cutest co-worker from your phone cam to your DVD player, which will cheerfully paste her facial features onto the lithe body of Vivid’s latest superstar porn model?

Helping J Get Some

Here’s just about the nicest endorsement a sex blog can hope to get, from over at Naughty Secrets:

I’ve noticed that when T reads naughty blogs, she gets all randy. She usually starts with Eros Blog, and hits all the links that he has on there. That usually gets her engine running and that ends usually ends up with ‘naked snuggles’. Lucky me.

So, this is a thank you to Bacchus and everyone on the list to the left. Thanks for helpin’ me get some.

You are most welcome!

Dangerous Sex In The Laundry Room

Pagan Moss posted a teaser paragraph over at Peep Show Stories from her “sex filled, campy thriller called Laundry” — inspired by her “scary-ass basement laundry room.” It sounds like fun all right:

Kate took the wet laundry out of the washer and put it into the dryer, along with some fabric softener. She put four quarters into the slot. The dryer started up, sounding like a rolling drum. She stood there for a moment, sensing something wasn’t quite right. Before she could move, her head was covered by a sheet and a hand pressed hard against her mouth. A man’s voice whispered, “I’m not going to hurt you.” She couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. She struggled to get away, but the man just pulled her into his body tighter, dragging her backwards. Her feet kicked wildly and came off the ground. He pulled her into the room off the corridor and closed the door behind him. All was silent expect for the rolling drum of the dryer. The smell of fabric softener filled the air.

I want to see the part where she is molested by Snuggles the fabric softener bear.

Penis Enlargement Firms Sued

In a story that of course has nothing at all to do with the previous spectacle, comes the news out of Denver that there’s a class action lawsuit afoot against snake oil salesmen penis enlargement product sellers:

A California man on Thursday sued a slew of international companies, including a Greeley distributor, alleging the penis-enlargement products they market and distribute do not work.

The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Denver, seeks class-action status to represent an estimated 1 million people who ordered the products in response to advertisements on television, radio and spam e-mail.

“I was wondering for a long time why no one has gotten around to suing these penis-enlargement guys, because it seems like a pretty blatant … fraud,” said New York lawyer Brad Corsello, who filed the lawsuit on behalf of Californian Jeffery Horton.
…
The lawsuit claims that oils and herbal supplements marketed by Leading Edge under the brand VigRx do not produce the promised permanent enlargement of the penis or cure for erectile dysfunction, among other things. The products cost an average of $110 apiece, according to the lawsuit.
…
The California man paid $160 for an order of VigRx Oil after receiving an unsolicited e-mail touting the product, according to his declaration.

“I used the products, but the products had no effect whatsoever,” Horton wrote. “I now feel that I have been cheated out of my money by the sellers of the products. If possible, I would like to prevent the sellers of the products from cheating others as they have cheated me.”

No effect whatsoever? How could a product with a forceful-sounding name like “VigRx Oil” not be effective? Shocking!

Thanks to J. Orlin Grabbe for the link.

Couples Calling The Phone Sex Line

Doxy the Phone Slut is back. She writes in her usual entertaining style about the challenge of receiving phone sex calls from couples:

Couple calls are always fascinating to me because, well, it’s not just a guy jacking off into his old Slayer t-shirt in his parents’ basement. At the very minimum the guy has to be able to bag or rent a person willing to engage in sex acts with him.
…
[S]ometimes it is people who have pretty much worn out their own ideas and are looking for new ones which can be a tricky dance of the first water. Because if they haven’t tried it before that means they didn’t think of it. And is that because they would be adverse to it, or because they just haven’t been exposed to it? I once really freaked out a woman by suggesting she rim her husband’s asshole. Another guy got angry because I asked him if he’d ever spanked his wife. Knowing what is out of bounds for people is hard. And if it’s “out of bounds” is it REALLY out of bounds, or do they just want to pretend it’s out of bounds so that you can “force” them to do things they’re trying to pretend they don’t want to do?
…
So much of this job is tightrope walking. Dominate me, but don’t fuck me in the ass. Have my sister catch me jerking off, but NOT my mom. I wanna fuck the high school cheerleader down the block, and the girl scout up the road, but the brownie is OUT of the question. There is serious Forrest Gump “phone sex is like a box of chocolates” karma in the mix. And that challenge is what keeps the job fun and exciting.

Which of course reminds me of the old joke:

Q: “How does a Cub Scout get to become a Boy Scout?”
A: “He just has to eat a Brownie.”

A Christmas Carol

Some wonderful orgasm faces in this hilarious musical vibrator advertisement. “O come, all ye faithful…“

2021 update: Flash is dead, long live Flash! View the old flash file via emulation at this Internet Archive page.

Submissive Sex

Submissive sex appears to be the conversational topic o’ the week in the sex blogosphere. First our man at Moving On wrote a fantasy and a follow-up piece, and then Lilith weighed in with an “it’s not for me” reaction that treaded perilously close to being an “it’s icky and so are dominant guys” piece. To be clear: she didn’t say that; but she said “it’s not for me” several ways and then went on a digression (that was unfortunately not obviously a digression) about why she can’t stand domineering guys, and she did it in a way that made it seem like she was lumping all dominant guys into a domineering jerk category. This, it turns out, was apparently not the point she was trying to make — as discussion in her comment area, and a later follow-up that’s much more in line with her normal tone of acceptance of alternate lifestyle approaches, make clear. (Really, it was a fine example of that old Usenet netiquette principle: If someone says something that seems surprisingly out of character for them, or looks like a radical change to the philosophy you expect from them, they are probably being misunderstood and you ought to wait for them to clarify before you jump all over them. I’m glad I waited.)

I myself am enormously entertained by a dominance-and-submission dynamic, even though (and I see no contradictions, although many do) I’m as radical as any you’ll find in my support of self-ownership, personal autonomy, and equality-of-everything-that-matters between men and women. If a woman submits to me, it’s a matter of meta-consent as far as I’m concerned; I’m not uncomfortable (quite the contrary!) taking an atavistic dominant role that would be philosophically horrifying, but for my knowledge that at root, she’s free to change the terms of our relationship, or end it, if it isn’t fulfilling her.

And speaking of fulfilling her, I can’t resist stirring the pot with a sexy submissive report from Sarah at Submissive Reflections, whose nice email to me indicated she only has three readers. Well, Sarah, I’m pleased to share my three thousand or so with you, at least for a day or two:

The first time W/we had sex was a week after He had kissed me and accepted that I was His. It happened to be my birthday. Neither of U/us were waiting for it, it just happened to be the first chance W/we had to be alone together as work was keeping Him busy and out of town. When He came to my place He simply said hello and bit my neck and pulled my skirt up and my panties down and pushed me to the floor and fucked me. There was no foreplay and no words of tenderness. It was just a matter of raw hungry sex. Within minutes He withdrew from me and turned me to my stomach, pulling me to my knees and hands while growling at me to ‘present’ and whilst I was still trying to get my bearings I felt His cock press against my ass. I felt so incredibly turned on. He slid His cock slowly inside my ass, stopping when I clenched and gasped, then pushing into my ass again. I couldn’t believe He was ass fucking me without a word being spoken about it between U/us. When His cock was fully inside me He lay over me and bit my shoulders and neck. He used one hand in my hair to pull my head back and reached for my mouth with His tongue. I closed my lips over it and sucked on His tongue and He came in my ass, growling and grunting and filling me with semen. He collapsed against me and I collapsed against the floor and He kept Himself inside me while He licked and bit and sucked at my neck. He whispered ‘Happy birthday Princess’ in my ear and I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive.

When W/we talked about it later He told me that He hadn’t asked if I liked anal sex because His kind of woman prefered not to be given options. He also knew that I would do anything to please Him, and that had been what pleased Him. Had it repulsed me, He said He would have had to rethink what He wanted as anything that did not make me ‘pant with lust’ would not please Him either. I remember feeling tinier than I had ever felt when I was lying wrapped up in His arms. I had never felt so safe and protected and loved.

He Puts What, WHERE?

Someone, who would be recognizable to you loyal sex blog readers if I were to fail to preserve their requested anonymity, was so cruel as to send along this link to a directory of disturbing photographs. Perhaps it would be best to let the captions of the photographs speak for themselves, while I go away into a corner and clutch quietly at my genitals.

Photo Sequence #1: “Ever want to know how to shove a Gummi worm up your dick?” Uh, no.

Photo Sequence #2: “Line the worm up with the hanger and slide it in….”
Just for the record: “OUCH!”

Photo Sequence #3: “Stay away from the green ones, for some reason they burn after a while….” Hint: If you didn’t grip yourself so firmly in order to expel them with the brute force of your semen, perhaps the burning would be reduced?

Photo Sequence #4: “You may notice that your cum becomes like syrup, and takes on flavor and color of the worm. My girlfriend loves my cum afterwards!” Why yes, we can all see her lapping it up right there in the picture. No, wait, no we can’t.

And just in case you haven’t had all the fun you can stand, he also does nails and pencils.

2014 update:The original links have long been broken, but a collection of these photos has been obsessively reassembled and published at the Dickworms tumblr. I think I recognize a kindred spirit. Halp?

The News Just Keeps Getting Better

From that fountain of high quality sexual knowledge, RedBook Magazine, comes this news for a woman who (perhaps hopefully?) wants to know if there are any health problems associated with swallowing semen:

The good news is that it’s beneficial! Recently studies have shown that regular consumption of semen can actually have some wonderful health benefits. Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman’s hormonal ups and downs caused by their periods and pregnancy or breastfeeding.

The key to the findings is “regular consumption”. Only once in blue moon won’t have the same effect. Those that indulged once or twice a week received little benefits. The ones who received the results were the ones who ingested semen four to five times a week or more!

You do understand, of course, that no man wants to see a woman depressed, and that “balancing effect on hormonal ups and downs” sounds pretty nifty too. If daily blowjobs are the cure, why, we’ll do what it takes to make ourselves available. Some sacrifices are worth it.

Improve the Taste of Your Semen!

It will come as no surprise to the veteran sex blog surfer that there are folks out there selling powders and pills that are supposed to improve the flavor of male semen. But, thanks to Adam Curry and the United States Patent Office, we now have details about one such product, Patent #6485773, including a recipe and a description of the oh-so-scientific methods used to perfect it.

First the recipe, which boils down to “eat more fruit”:

38-41%              Freeze-dried Pineapple Juice
12-14%              Freeze-dried Banana Powder
7-9%                Freeze-dried Broccoli Powder
5-7%                Freeze-dried Celery Powder
5-7%                Freeze-dried Strawberry or
                        Cherry Juice Powder
5-7%                Cinnamon Powder
5.5% up to 1143 mg  Calcium Powder
1.9% up to 400 mg   Magnesium Powder
1.2-2%              Ginger root Powder
1.2-2%              Nutmeg Powder
1.0% up to 200 mg   Creatine Powder
.5% up to 100 mg    Zinc AAC 20%
up to 30 mg         Selenium AAC 0.2%
up to 6 mg          Vitamin E
up to 2.5 mg        Vitamin B6
up to .5 mg         Vitamin B12
Total: 21-22 grams - in Powder

And here’s how they figured it out:

During the research and development phase of this invention, it was discovered that pineapple juice and broccoli were only slightly effective in improving semen taste, regardless how much of either or both were ingested. As a result, powder concentrates of both ingredients were tested, with only slightly better results. Finally, freeze-dried forms of these same ingredients were tried with significantly improved results. As certain other fruits and vegetables were also somewhat effective in improving taste results, banana, celery, and strawberry/cherry were also ultimately selected and added to the formulation. The cumulative effects of these five ingredients in freeze-dried form produced greatly improved semen-taste results. Further research and testing resulted in discovering that three specific spices (Ginger, Cinnamon, and Nutmeg) were successful in neutralizing the generally salty/bitter taste usually attributed to the male ejaculate. As a result, these three spices were also added to the invention formulation in optimal ratios, as determined during our research and development.
…
Following this, marketing testing began with 27 local couples of different ages, races, and health regimens (e.g. smokers/non-smokers, drinkers/non-drinkers, healthy/not-so-healthy lifestyles and diets). Questionnaires were created and used for data collection by said couples and, after several months, the data was examined. The results were highly positive, clearly indicating that regardless of the lifestyles of the couples, significant semen-taste improvement was experienced by all in the market-test group. Subsequent to this, the product was placed on the market where after thousands of orders and with a 100% Money-back Guarantee, less than 1.5% return of product has been experienced.

I really love that last line. I can see the letter now: “Dear Sir: I would like a refund for your semen taste-improving product. It does not work. My cum still tastes nasty. Sincerely, your customer.”

Money Shot

You will have noticed that ErosBlog doesn’t dwell on the war. You want warnography, there’s plenty better places to find it. But this is on topic.

A Fox News clip that’s been aired frequently over the last few days shows the firing of some large artillery pieces, of the old-fashioned (meaning not self-propelled) variety. The camera briefly zooms in on the barrel, where (if you look sharp) you can see white writing: “$ SHOT”.

Money Shot. Noun: In pornography, the moment when the male performer pulls out so that his ejaculation may be captured on film. Allegedly so called because of a perceived need to convince the buying public that the sex was “real”.

So it would appear that we aren’t just killing Iraqis — we are subjecting them to a gigantic involuntary bukkake with long range flying globs of supersonic red hot metallic high explosive fragmenting semen.

Yippee.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

“So I REWIRED it, gave it MORE POWER!”

Hokay, so this post is about an honest-to-goodness porn site. Boys gone wild, if you like — adapting power tools to their highest and best use. That’s right, me hearties: we present Fucking Machines.

If you follow that link (no popups, which is generally a good sign in a porn site) and then click on “Machines” you’ll be presented with an amusing list of fucking machines:

The Intruder
The Monster
The Fucksall
The Crane
The Sybian
The Trespasser
The Probe
The Jetaime
The Double Jetaime
The Loving Chair
The Hammer
The Drilldo
The Double Crane
The Goat Milker
The Tit Sucker

The Snake
The Portafuck
The Cathedral
The Toolbox
The Crystal Palace

The Antique Intruder
The Twinserter
The Airstorm
The Lighthouse
The Concrete Vibrator
The Fucking Chair
The Predator
The Reactor

Complete with horsepower ratings.

But of course any dweeb in his basement can glue a dildo to a power tool and claim it’s a sex toy. Where the rubber meets the, er, road, however, is actually using them for sex, or at least a well-photographed facsimile thereof. And that’s what makes this a porn site. Lots and lots of good looking models playing with these toys and managing to look like they are having fun doing it.

And finally, for the guys out there who think such fine machinery is wasted on women, there is a sister site (brother site?) called, with all the subtlety of a brick: Butt Machine Boys. This may be the true target market for these ambitiously mechanical porn purveyors. After all, why let the girls play with the cool toys and spoil all that raw male power tool fun?

Unclean Hands? You Don’t Say…

According to legal blog “How Appealing” a convicted but unsuccessful semen smuggler will not be getting the (now seized) sperm back. The United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit held, in all its awesome appellate majesty and with just a hint of risque humor:

The District Court found that the criminal conduct to which Mrs. Parlavecchio pleaded guilty was conspiracy to bribe a public official, that is, “the illegal payment of money in exchange for receiving seminal fluids from Mrs. Parlavecchio’s husband.” In essence, Mrs. Parlavecchio was seeking a return of the very fruits of her criminal activity. The District Court held, therefore, that a return of the seminal fluid would violate the basic principle that a claimant in a civil equitable proceeding must come into court with “clean hands.”

Halloween Gone Terribly Wrong

Another circulating email thing, guy unknown, let’s just call him Biggus Dickus. (“He has a wife you know….”)

Ladies, I know we generally focus a little too much here at ErosBlog on things of amusement to the gentlemen of default wiring. Please consider this a modest token in the nature of restitution.

Don’t Mess With Norma Brown

Norma Brown has invented a “Female Security Device”:

The Female Security Device is designed to defend and protect a woman against rape. It is placed within the vaginal cavity of a female to protect and minimize physical damage caused by sexual intercourse. The device is able to retrieve evidence of rape and provide evidence for identifying a perpetrator. This is done by using a needle to to obtain a penile tissue sample and to cause penile tissue irritation, and by obtaining a semen sample.

From the pictures, it appears that instead of the needle, you can get it with a superglue option or an airbag option. Not making this up. The function of the airbag is labeled on the diagram (“deployed as barrier to penetration”) but the “surgical glue spray” option seems as if it would be counterproductive.

Bacchus is an absolutist when it comes to a person’s right to control what enters his or her orifices, by whatever means necessary. (Large caliber handguns are quite effective for this purpose.) Unfortunately, the proposed “Female Security Device” puts one in mind of a man who stays locked in his own concrete basement to avoid the risk of kidnappers. Would not a woman who routinely used such a device be, in a metaphorical sort of way, preemptively raping herself?

The Fleshlight: Better Living Through Technology

(Better than what? Fair question. Better than living with Mother Palm and her five daughters, by all accounts. Bacchus avidly and sincerely doubts that companionable ladies have anything to fear from this form of competition.)

Now, is that a backwards and indirect way to start a sex blog entry, or what? Enough pussyfooting (if the expression may be forgiven) around and beating about the bush. (Hmm, forgiveness for inapt expressions probably getting to be an impossible dream by now. Stay tuned, it only gets worse from here.)

The web is awash with tales of The Fleshlight — a male masturbation toy that apparently doesn’t suck. (Literally or figuratively — can we just stop noticing the inapt turns of phrase for a while? If Bacchus was a competent writer, he’d be getting paid for all this.)

Anyway, this toy is all over the web, has been since about 1998 or so, but given the nature of things it’s tough to find a guy who will admit to having tried it. (Personal reviews in the comments are hereby solicited.) However, many of the reviews are positive. For instance:

About a week later it arrived. I was instantly worried when I felt how heavy it was, but that ended up being a plus. Once it was unwrapped, I ran a finger over the pink lips. The feeling was soft and malleable, “Real Feel Super Skin” is simply amazing. It’s light mild sent of vanilla was pleasant and not over powering. I followed the easy instructions and got to work. A few moments later I was moaning in ecstasy.

Is the “Fleshlight” better than the real thing? No. But if you had the real thing, you wouldn’t be reading this. Is it better then your hand? Oh yes! I couldn’t believe how good it felt, so close to the real thing, but no need to buy flowers.

The folks over at Clean Sheets were a little more reserved in their endorsement, but they still gave this item a thumb (or something) up:

Our reviewer’s first impressions of the product were “I GOTTA have this” and “very unusual feel.” Said one man; “The appearance was relatively life-like. The vanilla scent was oddly pleasing.” Indeed. Closing your eyes and touching the material is eerie; like touching the real thing. One man said “Closest thing to the real thing I ever felt.”

In use, they seem to cull all kinds of honors. “With the right lube, the feel is very nice.”

Overall, this product received very handsome commentary: “Not as good as the real thing but definitely better than your hand. I like using it while watching videos.” “This is tons of fun and feels great. It’s almost the perfect sex toy!”

Bacchus has not yet tried this device — it’s not exactly cheap, and there’s an “ick factor” (reported on by the folks at Nerve) that’s impossible to ignore. (However, even the Nerve reviewer appears to have enjoyed the Fleshlight once he, uhm, “screwed his courage to the sticking point” and got down to business.)

So: Any fans of this thing out there who want to tell us how it feels?

“Husband, A Towel! Lickety-Split!”

From deep in the archives of I, Asshole, a sweet sweet story:

When I was a newlywed, my brand new husband and I used to play all sorts of little fun games together. One night we were laying in bed starkers and reading books, and I was also eating a box of jawbreakers. For his amusement (I always get into the most trouble when I do things for other people’s amusement), I started putting the jawbreakers one by one into my vagina. He laughed a little bit to humor me, and by the time I got up to about 18 or so he started ignoring me and went back to his book. Eventually, I fell asleep and he turned out the light. Suddenly, at about 2 am I woke up. I was uncovered and chilly; a moment later I realized I was also laying in a big wet puddle that seemed to have an epicenter under my ass.

“Oh God, I wet the bed.”

I considered my options. I could get a towel and cover it up; I could wake him up and inform him that his new wife of 4 months was a bedwetter; or I could smother him with a pillow so that no one would ever find out what happened. Being young and idealistic, I woke him and told him the truth, crying, and I have to say he took it very well. I couldn’t believe it was true; I’d NEVER been a bedwetter, and we hadn’t even been drinking or anything. Just before I ripped off the sheets, I caught a whiff of something… sweet. I bent down to smell the huge went spot and it smelled faintly sugary. Then I remembered the jawbreakers. I did a quick check to see if they were still when I deposited them before bed, and sure enough, they had completely dissolved.

The whole thing gave me a new appreciation for my vagina. If it could melt that much candy in four hours, what else could it do? Corrode steel? Turn lead into gold?

What in the name of Thor’s Tremendous Hammer was this “New Husband” feller thinking? “My lovely naked wife is putting candy up her whatsis for my amusement. What should I do? Should I ask her for a piece? Offer to get it myself? Hmm…what to do, what to do…I know! I’ll go back to reading my book!”

Somebody spent a little too much time on the short yellow bus as a child.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Man Training, Lollipop Edition
• Stick Candy Heaven
• Watch The Lollipop
• Honey, Flies, Bondage
• Got Orange Juice?

Dear Mr. Abbey

The Acidman shares with us (but does not claim to have written) how it would be if “Dear Abby” was a man:

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A.: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

Mr. Abby misses a prime opportunity here, though, to further point out that, supposedly, semen makes women happy.