January 16th, 2006 -- by Bacchus
Communicating Clearly About Sex
As any couple can tell you, communicating unambiguously about sex is not always easy. J and Angel seem to manage, though:
He had gone to bed and I was online working on some design stuff, when he came and said, “I didn’t get to fuck you doggystyle before. Get on the bed.”
So I did. And, he did.
See? Easy as pie.
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Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=996
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=996
i feel a little funny about posting a segment of my own latest blog entry here in the comment form, but the timing is just spot-on. today i also wrote a post about – well, actually, all sorts of things – but the topic of “communication” was there. it surfaced in a couple of ways:
he wasn’t my type of guy, but hey- sometimes this shit just happens. i wanted to fuck him sideways, and he went on his side. but the poor bastard had his boots on and underwear and pants pulled down, so his legs were caught up in his outfit. we struggled for a bit, and he finally got all that stuff off. he pulled it over his head. now his head was resting on leather pants, and thick boots, as well as a shirt and his jacket. more fucking, and then – his cell phone.
he became frantic. it was 3 in the morning, who could be calling him?, i thought. we were having a nice time, and as i am known to do, i actually COMMUNICATE with men when i am having sex with them (not the norm in an all-male sex setting). so i said, “what, is that your mother? tell her i said hi”.
he laughed about my comment, but continued to reach up and over his head and under his neck- he was desperately trying to get to his phone. then i realized, it wasn’t a call that was coming in. while i had been fucking him, his head had hit some buttons that had dialed some number that was programmed into his phone. it was not an incoming call sound. we heard the phone ringing to somewhere else! he still couldn’t locate it; the poor guy had his feet over his head, my cock in his hole, and his clothes under and above him. by the time he pulled the damn thing out of his jacket pocket, the call had already gone through.
I can’t say it enough. Whenever I know a couple whose relationship is failing, inevitably one of them says something akin to “Why doesn’t my partner understand what I want? I shouldn’t have to tell them. We’ve been going for so long it should just be understood.”
So let me say it again. COMMUNICATION IS A CONSTANT! Yes, you have to say what you want. Yes you have to say what you don’t want. Yes you have to say what you feel. And most importantly you have to do it all of the time.
If you’re too lazy or ignorant or self-absorbed to do this then you shouldn’t expect much out of your relationships, because not much is going to come of them.
Yes, communication is important. But, from the subby side of things, sometimes it is just nice to be able to say I want what you got and know what you get will be just what you want. Of course, lots and lots of “I’m gonna fuck you doggy style” or “you can never fuck me doggy style” will have occured prior to that… right? Right.
c.p.
Just rub her back and give her a good look and say ‘let’s do doggy style baby’.
Smooth talk baby smooth talk
Well, curiouspussy, if you want to play sub and still communicate without breaking tone or being obvious, there’s always code words.
Besides, it’s been shown that couples that have a ‘secret language’ have better relationships anyway. One example: A couple that had a code phrase at parties of “I think I’m getting a migraine” that really translated into “Let’s go home and fuck.”
If you’re a good sub then you already have a safe word. Why not add a few more to the vocabulary and really make things interesting?
I’m calling a yellow flag on that last comment.
That “If you’re a good sub then you…” phrasing is perilously close to breaking the rules here. Whatever you and I think about the ingredients that go into “safe, sane, consensual”, there are sure to be folks (doms and subs alike) who disagree with us. “No safewords” is a somewhat risky but perfectly respectable and fairly common approach, and it’s quite possible to be a “good sub” (by one’s own lights, which is all that matters) without a safeword.
Which is all really beside the point I’m trying to make; namely, that I simply don’t allow this comment space to be used for any flavor of “if you’re not doing it my way, you’re doing it wrong.” Dominus, I’m not saying you crossed that line — but if not, you’re awful close.
I love it: he says that he didn’t get to fuck you, so get on the bed. And you do. You…are…awesome!
Hey! Today, i finally got online after having been sick and i peek at my stat counter to see it had exploded! And, i have been mentioned on ErosBlog!
Thanks for visiting Bacchus!
Bacchus: Don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t agree with you more. To quote a play that I saw last year “The trouble with safe words is that they don’t always work with a dick down your throat.”
My feeling was that the whole thread was about communication. Whatever form you choose to use is good; whether that is open communication, code words, or, if the couple (or group) is familliar enough, the subtleties of tone and body language.
There’s no “right” way to communicate the way you feel to your partners. The only “wrong” way is to not do it at all.
Dominus, no worries — I was triggered by that phrase you used, but in context I wasn’t too bothered. Glad to hear I didn’t need to be.