Here’s a bit of midweek blasphemy from Hot Action:

Safe to say that at a certain point in my life, I started to have some serious philosophical issues with the Christian religion.

“So if you can’t have sex, what do you do in Heaven all day?”

“There is no such thing as day or night in Heaven.”

“…So what do you do in Heaven all eternity?”

“You glorify God.”

“That’s it?



Sorry homie, I think I might respectfully decline the invitation to this party.

There’s something that really freaks me out about Heaven, and it can be summed up in two words: infant mortality.

It’s not just that God is a smug bastard who causes beautiful innocent babies to die. It’s the fact that these babies, being free of sin, all get a free ticket to Heaven. Every one of them.

Can you imagine showing up to the Afterlife and there’s millions and millions of babies everywhere?

All of them gurgling and cooing and crawling all over you with their perfect little baby bodies.

This does not sound like my idea of a bachelor’s paradise.

It gets worse. Some believers in Christianity are opposed to contraception because they believe it murders billions of tiny souls. “Every sperm is sacred” and so on.

Maybe it explains how the Pearly Gates got their name. Although “Pearly Floodgates” might be more appropriate. I’ve probably sent a few million souls up to the glorification of God myself. I’ve probably sent a few million up today.

“Welcome to Heaven. The good news is the streets are paved with gold. The bad news is, ALL THE STREETS ARE FLOODED WITH COME.”

Watch your step!