A spiffy online magazine sorta thing called Wrong Way Go Back has published Three Unerotic Tales. One is too scientific, one is too euphemistic, and one is just downright over the top. The scientific one reads frighteningly like what John Norman would sound like if he tried to write hard-core straight porn:

His penis slid into her vagina and she secreted more vaginal discharge. Luckily the discharge was not irritating or blood-stained, nor did it have an unpleasant odour, the cause of which is usually foreign bodies, cervical erosion or cervical polyp.

Luckily, too, she was on the pill, a type which built a wall between the cervix and fallopian tube that prevented sperm from entering her uterus and impregnating her ovum upon ejaculation.

She was simply having sex with him for the pleasure of it, having successfully passed through her oral and anal phase of psychosexual development to fully centre upon exploration of her genetalia.

There’s also a snarky article about how web logs are nothing new, nothing special, and nothing revolutionary. Which is fucking hilarious ironic coming from a website that is slavishly imitating a dead tree magazine, right down to page numbers and two-page advertising spreads for sport utility vehicles. [It’s also ironic that all the links in this post died and had to be removed.]

MortalCity summarizes her day (just the new things mind you!) here:

New things I did today:

-Drink more than a drop of my own piss (not all that bad once you get over the smell)
-Spray arcs of piss on camera
-Piddle my panties and keep going on purpose
-Be suspended by my boobies only (no safety line)
-Drool ice cream ooze all overmyself (and giggle my ass off while i do it)

Wierd day, but you know, it was fun.

It’s a long post about a longer day, so go read it already.

Therefore I will put my hook in your nose
And my bridle in your lips,
And I will turn you back
by the way which you came.

— 2 Kings 28

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Butt Hook Bondage Theater
• And Speaking of Degradation Of Women...

You will have noticed that ErosBlog doesn’t dwell on the war. You want warnography, there’s plenty better places to find it. But this is on topic.

A Fox News clip that’s been aired frequently over the last few days shows the firing of some large artillery pieces, of the old-fashioned (meaning not self-propelled) variety. The camera briefly zooms in on the barrel, where (if you look sharp) you can see white writing: “$ SHOT”.

Money Shot. Noun: In pornography, the moment when the male performer pulls out so that his ejaculation may be captured on film. Allegedly so called because of a perceived need to convince the buying public that the sex was “real”.

So it would appear that we aren’t just killing Iraqis — we are subjecting them to a gigantic involuntary bukkake with long range flying globs of supersonic red hot metallic high explosive fragmenting semen.

Yippee.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Some people just like to get messy:

…if she were inclined to straight talk:

Now that I’ve introduced myself, you should buy me a mind bending beverage so that I can see that you aren’t cheap and that you find me attractive. I will need this mind bending beverage to flirt with you outrageously, thereby procuring your number or vice versa, and to keep you interested for the rest of the night so that you actually want to call it. I’d love to have sex with you as well, but since you are relationship material, I have to make you work for it and buy me a few dinners first. I might allow you to hug me or do something equally chaste such as kissing my cheek at the end of the night, but don’t count on anything overtly sexual for the next 2 dates. If this is not enough encouragement for you, you are simply a pig, a pervert, an asshole, or a man. My friends tell me I can do better.

From The Life of Erin.

Yup. It’s that time again. Here’s an animated .gif of a happy smurf getting a blowjob from Smurfette: