Carly at Pornblography has posted a 25-step program for conducting a porn spring cleaning. Take special heed if you have cats, because they will resent the elimination of the dunes and piles of porn tapes over which they were wont to clamber:

Step 1: Take a look around your house. Do you have so much porn that it’s bursting from your hiding places, no longer fits in the 300+ videotape holder that you bought from Ikea or causes your closet doors to frequently jump from their tracks because of the sheer force of the massive amount of smut tapes crammed in behind them? Well then, friend, it’s time to clean out your porn collection!

Step 2: Start by removing all of your porn from wherever you keep it and place it in a central location so that you may accurately survey how far your perversion has progressed.

Step 3: Once you have finished struggling with your Catholic guilt, sort through all the titles and make three piles: Keepers, Givers and Trashers. Keepers are for yourself, Givers are for your friends, Trashers are to be disposed of accordingly.

Step 4: Marvel at some of the titles you’ve acquired over the years. What were you thinking when you picked up You’re Never Too Old To Gangbang, you fool?!?

Step 5: After sorting everything into appropriate piles, grab a garbage bag or six. Do so quickly so that your cats don’t knock over the pile you’ve carefully cultivated.

Step 6: Curse your cats.

Step 7: Repeat steps 3 and 4.

Step 8: Take the Trashers pile and start loading up your garbage bags. If you’re like me, you’ve got about 10 bags to fill.

Step 9: Stand back and allow yourself a moment of silence as you fully absorb just how much porn you’re about to dispose of.

Step 10: Curse yourself for having bought white trash bags rather than the customary green or black. Now everyone can clearly see you somehow wound up with more than one copy of Lex The Impaler!

Step 11: After convincing yourself that even though the titles are clear as day nobody will actually make the effort to examine the bags, get help from someone who is strong enough to lift half of the bags you’ve filled to the dumpster so that you don’t have to make more than one trip, therefore increasing the potential of neighbors spying you in the halls or elevator of the building carting around enough porn to make even the likes of Skeeter Kerkove blush.

Step 12: Open your front door and look into the hall. The coast is clear. Go for it!

Step 13: Hurriedly run back into your home when you hear the single mother down the hall exiting the elevator with her young son.

Step 14: Have your stronger companion check for other residents milling in the hall, then have them retrieve the elevator and lock the controls so that you can load your porn trash quickly and peacefully without interruption.

Step 15: Upon arriving at the basement level where the dumpsters are, look around and make sure that nobody is right outside the elevator doors. If they are, don’t panic! Just hide the bags behind you and hold their eye contact. If someone is just pulling in and unloading their groceries, no worries there, either. They’ll be too consumed with not cracking their eggs to pay mind to two individuals running for the garbage bin with 10 see-through Hefty bags full of porn.

Step 16: Have one person stand watch while the other starts throwing the bags in the bin.

Step 17: Throw a mild fit when one of the bags explodes, throwing numerous tapes across the concrete floor of the parking lot into mucky puddles and underneath cars.

Step 18: Ignore the grocery shopper’s offer to help.

Step 19: Dispose of the rest of the porn in a discreet and timely fashion, making sure all of the loose tapes from the explosion are accounted for. If possible, arrange some other garbage over top of the porn booty so that others aren’t alerted to your viewing habits.

Step 20: Cackle maniacally as if you’ve just done something really sneaky and clever, when really you haven’t.

Step 21: Make care packages for your friends across the country out of the givers pile you made, ensuring that you’ve packaged them in plain brown boxes so that nobody will know what you’re sending, helping for maximum impact when they arrive at the receiving end.

Step 22: Wait for the joyous and thankful phone calls and e-mails to roll in.

Step 23: Grow tired of waiting and instead organize what’s left of your collection, making sure that the tapes match the boxes and everything is alphabetized.

Step 24: Enjoy one of the titles that you found while doing your purge. (What happens during or after viewing need not be explained.)

Step 25: Call the City and thank them for the bouquet of roses that were left at your door the following day.

Got a belly button fetish? You’ll like The Belly Button Page then. Heck, fetish or no fetish, you might like it anyway — some of them belly buttons is cute.

The geeks among you will be pleased to learn that penises have more bandwidth than cable modems.

Believe it or not, this link is courtesy of Instapundit.

Anil Dash is ranting about the diamond industry, and it’s an epic rant:

“Want your materialistic, easily-misled wife to stop being such a frigid bitch? Buy her a diamond! Did your husband decide to increase your consumer debt in order to buy you a pair of earrings that were mined at gunpoint by children in Africa? Reward him with grudging sex and a temporary cessation of your relentless nagging!”

It’s entertaining, and the man has a good point.

The Reverse Cowgirl is back with actual words on her blog (Yay!) and she links to a story from a college newspaper that’s sort of an overview of the bukkake thing, with a review of a specific American Bukkake title.

All of which is reproduced here because, as noted previously, bukkake is one of those fringe porn things that doesn’t get written about much with any degree of honesty. There are a bunch of wierd, odd, unusual, or downright gross things happening out on the fringes of porn, and folks with the courage to discuss them (perhaps thereby making them more comprehensible to the rest of us) should be encouraged.

However, all that is by way of disclaimer, because the article itself is exactly the sort of sex writing that ErosBlog usually avoids like the plague. When nominally pro-sex authors take great pains to mention and then reinforce that they are not aroused by the subject at hand, and then digress several times into discourses on the feminist implications of their topic, all while maintaining an intellectualized tone intended to remind everyone that they are, ya know, serious… well, the result tends not to be very interesting to anyone who is more interested in sexual topics than in academic pretension.

Having said all that, however, this particular article also contains the history of bukkake according to a director thereof, presented with all due skepticism:

Director [of the American Bukkake series] Jim Powers says, “Bukkake is about discipline.” He also provides background on the practice’s mock Asiatic name. “Bukkake is an ancient Japanese custom where if a woman cheated on her husband, the rest of the village men would take her off to a cave somewhere and jack off on her face and in her mouth. And usually what would happen is the woman would kill herself afterwards,” Powers says with an earnest expression and voice that make you eventually realize he actually believes what he’s saying.

According to legal blog “How Appealing” a convicted but unsuccessful semen smuggler will not be getting the (now seized) sperm back. The United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit held, in all its awesome appellate majesty and with just a hint of risque humor:

The District Court found that the criminal conduct to which Mrs. Parlavecchio pleaded guilty was conspiracy to bribe a public official, that is, “the illegal payment of money in exchange for receiving seminal fluids from Mrs. Parlavecchio’s husband.” In essence, Mrs. Parlavecchio was seeking a return of the very fruits of her criminal activity. The District Court held, therefore, that a return of the seminal fluid would violate the basic principle that a claimant in a civil equitable proceeding must come into court with “clean hands.”

Village Voice columnist Tristan Taormino reviews three female sex creams with results ranging from disappointing to, shall we say, painfully mixed:

O Clitoral Stimulating Gel also contains menthol, and the box reads, “You should feel an intense warmth for about 20 seconds.” I put a tiny dab of the clear gel on my clit, and the immediate feeling was more like a burn. Imagine holding your clit over an open flame, and you’re there with me, regretting my experimental nature for those 20 seconds. My instinct was to jump in the shower, but in the brochure it specifically said not to wash it off in the 20-second period, and that doing so may in fact increase the discomfort, which didn’t seem possible. So I sat tight, and when the burn faded, a wave of warmth and arousal came over me. Blood started rushing to my cunt, and I got really turned on. Maybe there was something to this Ben Gay on the puss after all. I started jerking off, but decided to wait till a certain someone came over to, um, assist. I ended up bringing myself to the edge of orgasm, then backing off, then getting there again. By the time I was in the thick of two-person sex, I was so overstimulated that I couldn’t come! I don’t hold O responsible: It definitely worked some major mojo on me and deserves a second chance.