Overheard in online gaming land, spoken in a British accent:

Sex is so awesome!

While all my friends are out having it, I’m ranking up ahead of them playing Call of Duty.

One of the reasons Emily Nagoski is Erosblog’s new favorite sex educator is that she’s actually got some highly useful and practical sex advice up her sleeves. A lot of what sex educators do is repeating the same-old same-old to people who haven’t heard it or comprehended it yet. That’s worthy but dull. But Emily’s got stuff that’s not dull at all, even when it gets all nerdy and technical. Case in point: her recent article on “how to maximize your torment of your partner” or Excellent Torture:

Haven’t you wanted to be in that position of power where you stand at the gate of your partner’s orgasm, tempting them gradually closer, then wickedly slamming the gate in their face and sending them to the back of the queue, only to draw them, even more eager, forward, over and over, until they hate you and love you in equal measure and they can’t think and can’t move and are begging you in choked gasps in end their torment?

Sure you have. Here’s how.

Some of you are now thinking “I approve this message and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”
She goes on:

When you partner is at the breath-holding stage of the proceedings, that indicates that waves muscle tension are causing the contraction of both the thoracic diaphragm and the pelvic diaphragm. If that sentence made no sense, don’t worry, just notice that your partner has gotten to the breath-holding stage of the proceedings. Each held breath slightly escalates tension, edging your partner closer to the threshold of orgasm (which is not a fixed point, but don’t worry about that for now).

When giving beginner advice, I generally say that breath-holding is exactly the time to KEEP DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Same speed, same pressure, same everything.

For the more advanced student, you can use this phase to take the reins of your partner’s orgasm.

Step-by-step instructions follow (plus a disclaimer for Emily’s mom). See for yourself.

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1950s futuristic bondage art like you’ve never seen it before! She’s The Satin Satellite, I shit you not:

I’ll confess to some puzzlement over why they call her a satellite when she’s chained to a firmly-grounded metal frame, but hey, these things don’t always need to to make sense.

Thanks to Bondage Blog.

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I’ve been posting affiliate links to sex toys since approximately April of 2006. Today I was looking at some aggregate statistics about orders not completed — items that potential customers following my links put into a virtual shopping cart, but never checked out. In more than four years, what are the most popular “almost purchased” items?

It’s actually a rather fun little list:

1. Vibrating Silver Bullet. Inexpensive ($9), classic, functional. 72 “almost” purchases over four years. Nice price/utility ratio.
2. Hitachi Magic Wand. Famous. Capable. Legions of fans. $39.95. 67 “almost” purchases.
3. Bend Over Boyfriend DVD. The classic instructional video for hetero strap-on fun. $38.00. 63 “almost” purchases.
4. Fleshlight Male Masturbator. Another famous toy with a lot of marketing behind it. The spendiest item on the list at $65.00. 44 “almost” purchases.
5. 18″ Black Paddle. Your basic wooden spanking paddle, big enough to be evil. $42.00. 36 “almost” purchases.

I don’t know whether this list is a proxy for overall item popularity, or whether it’s a special list of items that people consider buying before “chickening out” or deciding to be kind to their credit cards. But it’s interesting, either way.

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This detail from a kinky and fantastical salon scene at Kinky Delight delights me in its sheer perversity. The device with a zillion little pubic-hair clips looks quite evil. Do you suppose it’s intended to straighten curly pubes, or just to remove them as slowly and painfully as possible?

I keep hearing the voice of Jeff Foxworthy in my head as I think about this. “If your sex toy company washes returned dildos in the office sink, you might be a redneck…” But the thing is, I know some rednecks. Hell, I have rednecks in my family. They don’t vote, but they do buy sex toys…and not used ones, either. That would be tacky.

I’m talking about a paragraph from Always Aroused Girl’s blogpost titled Email From a Former EF Employee. Yeah, disgruntled former employee. Yeah, I saw it on the internet so it must be true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like any other internet account, you get to decide whether you believe it, based on whether the account feels true to you and whether it matches other data you have. Meanwhile: Ew.

I worked for Eden Fantasys for approximately eight months.

…

One day I arrived at the office early. Most people were not in yet, but the product manager was there. She was at the sink washing things. I set my computer up, went back to say hi, and noticed that she was washing dildos. And drying them, and bringing them to the warehouse (directly attached to the office). She said something about returns that hadn’t even been opened. Some companies package their toys in simple plastic bags stapled at the top, which is easy to reproduce. At least one other person can attest to this practice. Enough said.

Remember the Naked Warrior post? Well, I just discovered a Frank Frazetta version of what is clearly the same scene. I’ve cropped it similarly:

Unfortunately the original “Naked Warrior” post linked to a now-dead Tumblr. And I never had an artist name for that version. I wonder who was painting in homage to whom?