This song is a song about Alice.

No. Wait. I mean, this post is a post about Hitler’s dick. Not quite the same.

But, the post does come with a soundtrack.

Yours is the dubious obligation of constructing the soundtrack in your mind. Remember The Colonel Bogey March from Bridge On The River Kwai? Good. Whistle a couple of bars quietly to yourself to bring it back to you. Then start again, while reading the words:

Hitler has only got one ball,
Goering has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat sim’lar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.

Repeat as needed. Your seven year old son could probably go on for an hour, laughing with glee between repetitions. Even though he’s probably never heard of most of the people whose genitalia he’d be mocking.

OK, enough rambling. Now I have to live up to my title. What, you don’t think I can do it?

Oh ye of little faith! You should know me better than that by now:

No, of course it’s not real. It’s British propaganda. Nobody beats the British at the game of penis propaganda. Not, at least, when they have the balls to actually publish the stuff:

An old army colonel – he had served a lifetime in Poona, an experience which had not failed to leave its mark on him – had found it on the table of my secret printer whom he had visited with a view to acquiring some of our latest philatelic counterfeits. When he saw this particular piece of pornography he was almost beside himself with indignant fury. I did not want to hurt the old man by challenging him to battle over an item of pornography to which in any case I attached no great importance. So I immediately withdrew it. But it was not really all that bad.

The German army’s propaganda unit had been putting out a series of leaflets purporting to expose how the enemy was retouching photographs and faking them to convey untruths. By this time my “Black” printer was an expert at counterfeiting german documents, using the same type, the same paper, and the same size as the German original. So I got him to put the same title on our counterfeit. ” Wie sie falshen”, it said ( How they forge ). Then with a suitable text we exposed a palpable forgery of a Hitler photograph, which we attributed to the despicable treachery of an internal enemy. The genuine original photograph showed Hitler in his usual saluting posture, right arm upraised, his left resting on the buckle of his belt. The forgery however showed a huge penis under his left hand. Our caption read: ” This is a most appalling forgery, Everyone one know the Fuhrer does not possess anything of the kind”. Well, I don’t really blame the old colonel. As pornography this item was not attractive. In fact, it was revolting. All the same, I would have been interested to have seen what effect it had on the German propagandists.

See also Leon Trotsky Whipping Two Nude Girls.

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• Bondage Coin On Ebay

Has anybody stopped to marvel, lately, at what a wonderful world it has become for folks with numerically minor fetishes? There’s the internet for finding and meeting (and fucking) kindred souls, there’s a growing “whatever floats your boat” sentiment among civilized people, and there’s a robust world economy for sex toys of every description.

And boy, when I say every description, I’m not kidding. The latest sex miracle in silicone is … well, let’s go to the visual, or you won’t believe me.

Behold!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the SiFeet Pussy Foot. [2012 update: Sadly the Pussy Foot is no longer sold. But be ye not forlorn! There’s always the Cyberskin Foot Job Stroker or the Belladonna Foot Soldiers.]

The marketing text is like a syllabus for aspiring foot fetish marketers, fascinating therefore in its own right:

The SiFeet Pussy Foot is the ultimate fantasy sex toy for foot fetishists. This size 6, 100% silicone foot is cast in pure silicone from a real life actual, beautiful female foot. In the sole of this lovely foot is a fully functional and totally fuckable silicone vagina.

This pure silicone foot is soft, smooth, and incredibly sexy. The toes are decorated with acrylic toenails painted glossy pink, making the Pussy Foot seem even more real.

From the toes to the heel and ankle, great time and effort has been taken to insure that the Pussy Foot seems real.

The feature that makes the Pussy Foot even better than an actual foot is the pussy located on the sole of the foot. You can passionately fuck the foot in a way you’ve never been able to before. It is the perfect combination of foot and vagina.

From the toe to heel the pussy foot is 9″ long. The ankle has a 2½” diameter. The distance from the entrance in the vagina to the exit-hole at the top of the ankle is 6½”.

Anyone who appreciates beautifully sexy feet should love the Pussy Foot. This silicone foot is terrific for massaging and erotic rubbing as well as for having hot sex with it.

This silicone sex toy is also a convenient practice tool for preparing to get hot and kinky with actual feet. You are sure to have your technique down to a science when you train with the Pussy Foot.

The silicone SiFeet Pussy Foot cleans easily with soap and warm water or After Glow Toy Wipes.

The SiFeet Pussy Foot is available in a left or a right, sold separately.

If you were looking for “the perfect combination of foot and vagina”, well, now you’ve found it. But it’s the last line, in bold text, that gets me. Left foot or right? Or do you want to collect the whole set?

Let the implications of that photo sink in for a moment.

I’m not going to pussyfoot around, here. (Face it, you knew you weren’t getting out of this blog post until I’d made that pun.) The pussy foot comes in left foot and right foot? Why in all the Stygian depths would someone care whether they are boning a silicone vagina in a left foot, instead of a right one? “No, no, it has to be a left foot, or it’s no good!”

But, in the end, that’s the point. It doesn’t matter why. With fetishes, there usually isn’t a good why. What matters is, if you’ve got a thing for slipping it to a pretty left foot, we live in a world where you can get one, with just a little help from your buddy Benjamin. Don’t let anybody tell you that’s not an excellent world to be living in.

This awesome vintage nude Cleopatra figure is from the astounding [and, sadly, deleted somewhen after 2007] photostream of Flickr user silvernightingale, your go-to person for vintage harem girls, showgirls, belly dancers, divas, and so forth.

2019 update: I managed to find a somewhat larger version of this image, in a shape and framing suggesting it was originally a stereoscope view:

Susie Bright has created an Amazon list of must-have sex stuff, and in explaining the list, she’s dashed off several valuable mini essays on vibrators (wall current rules, battery-operated sucks, The Rabbit isn’t all that), lube, and the history of the sex toy industry. The lube portion I particularly like, because she simplifies down to the essentials:

Sex educators are famous for a particular cliche: “communication and lubrication” are what make people happy in bed. But truer words were never spoken.

So, given that essential fact, what lube do you get? My Amazon list is a little truncated because of what I could list on their site.

Vegetable oil is fantastic. Pre-AIDS, it was my lube of choice. If you’re aren’t using condoms, get your favorite oil– almond is really nice, maybe add a little coconut to make it creamy– and go at it. Or just grab the olive oil off the kitchen counter if time is of the essence. It feels great, it won’t hurt you, it’s sexy…. who could ask for more?

For water-soluble lubes, I always liked Probe because it has no taste! The biggest hassle with commercial lubes is that they usually taste AWFUL and make oral sex completely undesirable.

Are there other taste and scent-free lubes? Yes, Probe is my old tried-and-true. Works great with condoms, doesn’t make you ill, doesn’t cause cancer… what a treasure!

However, sometimes you need a lube that goes BEYOND. Sometimes the drugs you’re on, or menopause, can turn you into a prune. How do you get that high-flying crazy slippery feeling that goes on and on and on?

Silicone lube.

That’s why I recommended Liquid Silk for my desert island. It also is the first lube that makes hot tub and shower sex possible and even fun. It’s not water soluble– you’ll have that slippery feeling in your vagina or ass for several hours. But the slickness is so intoxicating. Just don’t use it with other silicone products or they gum each other up! Get that spatula out of your hot tub!

I do, however, find an important omission in Susie’s discussion of power sources for vibrators. She writes:

1) Electricity is essential. I don’t care what sex toy retailers say about battery-operated vibes– the main reason they push them is because they are dirt cheap, (wholesale), and they are lightweight to ship and transport (without the batts, of course!). A Hitachi magic wand is only marked up double its cost to the retailer… so if it’s $40, maybe they paid $20.

But a battery vibe might be a dollar to them and they’ll sell it for $10 or $20.

This reasoning has nothing to do with how it feels, or if women can get off on it. And the “sound” of batteries vibrating against plastic doesn’t mean it’s powerful. They can make an awful racket and not deliver any appreciable sensation.

Can women get off on battery-vibes? YES, some can, some are their mother’s darlings– I’m not on a crusade to get rid of them. But the reason they are hyped the way they are is because of money, not because of universal sexual satisfaction.

The vibrators that are produced by the mainstream appliance manufacturers like Hitachi and Wahl, were originally introduced as “massagers.” They’re quality appliances that will last years and years. I still have the first ones I ever bought in 1981. They have warranties. They have a following that’s been going for decades, based on technology that’s over a century old now.

I always hated selling a woman a battery-operated model for her first vibrator because there was a 50% chance she’d find the whole thing a hoax. However, if I sold her a motor-driven or coil-operated electric model, she’d come out of the ‘try-out’ room with this amazed look on her face, and say, ‘OH! I GET IT NOW!”

I agree wholeheartedly about the puny vibrations you can get from a couple of “C” or even “AA” batteries. When I’ve got a vibrator in one hand and a lady’s labia and clitoral hood in the other, I want some serious jiggle and buzz. “Can you feel it now?” is not the game I am here to play. I have pink bits to vibrate and I want them V*i*B*R*a*T*e*D, not tickled. (For tickling, I have feathers.)

On the other hand, as any roofer can tell you, there isn’t an electrical outlet handy under every current bush, and dragging a power cord behind you is a pain in the ass. The same technology that lets a guy with a tool belt and a hairy ass crack drive sheet metal screws for forty minutes at the top of a sixteen foot ladder (rechargeable ni-cad or lithium-ion batteries, ta-dah!) makes a perfectly acceptable power source for a vibrator. I’ve raved before about the Phantasy Sinnflut, which is a tool-grade rechargeable vibrator that any man could be proud to dock on its charging base in the garage next to his DeWalt drill and his Makita reciprocal saw. It’s nobody’s budget option, but it’s handier than anything with a cord, safer in the shower, and functionally far beyond anything with a disposable dry cell in it.

Set up the drumroll please: “…or are you just happy to see me?”

They’ve found a potential new erection drug in spider venom. From BBC News:

Spider venom could boost sex life
By Vladimir Hernandez
BBC News

Brazilian and US scientists are looking into using spider venom as a possible treatment for male impotence.

Their investigation follows reports that men bitten by the Phoneutria nigriventer experienced priapism – long and painful erections.

A two-year study has found that the venom contains a toxin, called Tx2-6, that causes erections.

Further tests are being carried out in the US before the substance can be approved for human use.

The results, from the Medical College of Georgia, are expected in a month’s time.

The bite of Phoneutria nigriventer, known as the Brazilian wandering spider, is potent and can be deadly in some cases.

The Brazilian and US researchers interviewed men who claimed their sex lives had improved after a spider attack.

The relevant toxin identified in the venom has been tested successfully on other animals.

So far, scientists believe that combining a version of the spider’s venom with an existing drug for erectile dysfunction – such as Viagra, Cialis or Levitra – could produce better results.

Thanks to World Sex News for the link.

Sometimes, in the middle of a noisy room, you’ll hear something fun. I overheard this at Naked Loft Party:

“Now that I’m getting married,â€? I was telling Porno Jim, “I need to have adult relationships. No more girlfriends for me – they’re my mistresses now. Doesn’t that sound so much more sophisticated?â€?

It’s possible she’s just cute and innocent:

Yeah, right…