Remember what Red says: “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”

I rather suspect they find Monmouth to be both:

“With a little patience, you could probably get your whole hand in there.”

Audrey had invited me over for an afternoon of fun and games. Now she was lying back on a pile of pillows, legs spread, and her pussy dripping all over my fingers and tongue.

I pulled back and looked at her beautifully proportioned slit. Her pussy felt so small and tight around my two fingers. I had been licking and fingering her for a good while already, and I was in no rush. Carefully, I massaged around her pussy, stroking, licking and insinuating my way in with three, then four fingers, a bit of lube, and a lot of attention to her clit along the way.

Gradually, she opened up more and more.

After she had gotten accustomed to four fingers and most of my hand, it was time to get my thumb in. I pulled out part of the way and added more lube to everything. Her eyes, wide and glistening, followed the way I spread the lubricant all over my hand. She wanted, and yet…

My fingers formed a wedge, thumb pressed against the palm as tightly as possible. It was easier than I thought. The whole hand slid in. Suddenly, shockingly, I could cup her entire cervix in my palm.

Then I formed a fist.

Audrey let out a deep growl or groan or some other noise that came all the way from down below. She reached up to grab me by the neck and pulled me in for a wet, deep kiss, unbalancing me so that the weight of my body shifted on to the hand now fully buried inside her.

Staring into my eyes, hers wide, not quite focused. she let go of my neck. “Take a look…”

I pulled back and saw, incredibly, the naked lips of her pussy wrapped all the way around my wrist.

My hand was fully inside her. I moved it around, carefully, starting to fuck her with my clenched fist….

I was slow to notice that the folks at Kink.com (for whom I have enormous respect) released a new bondage site this month, which looks incredibly rich in texture. (Heavy wood, and heavier iron — these are textures, right?) If you like your bondage heavy (literally!) and heavily invested with a “Resistance is Futile! Escape is Impossible! Why do you struggle so hopelessly?” ethos, Device Bondage may be for you. Medieval methods wrought and crafted in an updated industrial steampunk sort of way make for an unforgettable combination. Don’t miss the (very!) pink closeup of the cast iron speculum in the same shoot this picture comes from:

And then there’s the heavy horizontal pillory found here:

We’ve come a long way from the “two bored porn starlets, a suede flogger twirling in a light circle, and a hank of clothesline lightly tangled” that used to be bondage porn.

Oh, the fun you can have with your printer:

Practical, in a few contexts. Practical joke, in a great many more. Fun either way!

Whenever you hear a story like this, it’s hard to know if you’re reading about somebody suffering a serious crisis of mental health, or whether (as we’d always prefer to believe) it’s someone living out a sexually adventurous fantasy. Add drugs to the mix and you’ve got an even fuzzier middle ground to worry about.

When I was in college, we had a young scholar who took too many magic mushrooms and was eventually picked up by campus security, naked, standing on the college president’s lawn, masturbating and shouting. I never heard what he was shouting about.

It’s possible that this story slides a little bit more toward the sexually adventurous side, but there’s no way to know for sure:

Masturbating trespasser booted from frat
By: Jessica Vosgerchian, Daily Staff Reporter (3/26/07)

Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch.

While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house’s living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity.

…

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point, said LSA sophomore Adam Bayard, a member of the fraternity.

She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left.

According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

“Obviously, she was very disturbed,” Nye said. “It was not how a normal person would respond to people.”

The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University, according to the police report.

Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s that last line that makes the story. I’ve been in frat houses, and so the idea that frat boys (er, I mean young Greek gentlemen) would be grossed out by a single incidence of female masturbation on their furniture makes me howl with laughter.

I also like that “She’s been masturbating for half an hour, is it time to call the police yet?” sense of urgency.

From a sex basics article for “guy virgins” about the practicalities of sex you don’t learn by reading, or by watching porn:

Messiness

You probably know this already, but overall sex is messier than what you see on TV or in porn.

• You’re going to get hot and sweaty of course.
• The woman’s lubrication is going to dribble all over the place and possibly stain the sheets. Someone is going to get semen on them at some point. Condom wrappers are going to litter the ground. You may kiss passionately and slobber all over each other.
• Sometimes when you’re doing a girl she’ll fart. I heard it has something to do with the thrusting pushing air into her abdomen but don’t quote me.
• Sometimes when you pull out and she changes positions she’ll fart out her pussy (queefing).
• If you have sex when she’s on her period, well use your imagination.
• If you have anal sex you may get some poo on your dick.
• If you have a good session, when you’re done you’re going to be sweaty, red faced, tired, and a bit out of it. Your hair will be messed up, gross stray hairs will be stuck to your skin, the girl will have a bit of white goop running out of her cootch. You’ll have a bit of cum dribbling out of your dick. There will be at least one condom wrapper on the floor, the sheets and pillows will be all over the place, and the bed will have a wet spot on it. If you cuddle after you’ll start to stick together and it’ll feel gross when you pull apart. It’s great.

Link via Sexoteric.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• A Basic Rule For Gentlemen

It never fails. You’re heading for the nude beach with your girl, and before you even get there she pulls you into a shady patch of bushes for a quick blowjob. But before you know it, you’re being watched by a pair of nudists with absolutely no concept of “personal moment”:

Picture is from Usenet.

From The Dilbert Blog:

Researchers asked people to write essays in support of a random point of view they did not hold. Months later, when surveyed, the majority held the opinion they wrote about, regardless of the topic. Once a person commits an opinion to writing — even an opinion he does not hold — it soon becomes his actual opinion. Not every time, but MOST of the time. The people in these experiments weren’t exposed to new information before writing their contrived opinions. All they did was sit down and write an opinion they didn’t actually have, and months later it became their actual opinion. The experiment worked whether the volunteers were writing the pro or the con position on the random topic.

Most of the truly stupid things done in this world have to do with this consistency principle. For example, once you define yourself as a loyal citizen of Elbonia, you do whatever the King of Elbonia tells you to do, no matter how stupid that is. And your mind invents reasons as to why dying is a perfectly good life strategy.

This research provides a surefire method for readers of the Dilbert Blog to improve their sex lives. Go down to the local mall with a clipboard and pretend to be doing a research experiment. Offer $1 to attractive people who will write a paragraph describing how incredibly sexy you are. (Based on the research, you should offer a low dollar amount so people don’t think they did it entirely for the money.) Tell participants that the research has to do with handwriting analysis of people who are writing opinions they do not believe. Stop after you get 100 people to do it. That’s less than the cost of one meal at an upscale restaurant.

Give the participants your e-mail address and tell them they can get the results of the research study in a month if they contact you. According to the science, about two-thirds of the people who wrote a paragraph on your sex appeal will strongly believe it a month later, no matter how hideous you are. And a few of those people will remember to e-mail you for the results. You’ll still have to close the deal, but I think we can agree that I just did the hard work for you.

Thanks to Sexoteric for the link.