Longtime readers will remember Halley Suitt’s lessons on being an Alpha Male. I was reminded of them in an oblique sort of way by the following essay, which is written (with tongue firmly in cheek) in the style of an old-fashioned tent-revival sermon, by a fellow who’s working the Alpha Male thing a bit harder than most. Herewith Dan the DDHubby delivers That Old Time Religion:

Brothers, I say unto you: Know what you are. You are the husband, the man, the male. You have been given gifts by the Creator, whatever name you call him or her or it. You have been given gifts by Providence. Those gifts have taken you and your brethren far. We crawled out of the caves, we climbed out of the sea, we slid down the trees, we stood and walked and made tools and language and fire and agriculture and civilization and literature and medicine.

We tamed lightening and used it to make sand think!

The gifts that have been given unto you do not stop there. Oh no!

Count your blessings!

Providence has given you women! They have given you a spouse! A partner! A best friend! A lover! If the woman beside you is only some of these things, or Providence forbid, none of these things, do not point a finger, do not hold up a hand, do not deny your own responsibility in these matters!

Quiet now, brothers. Listen carefully to me. It is true that in some circumstances an error has been made by the Fates. It is sad, but it is true. From time to time an error of such magnitude has occurred that the only choice for correction is dissolution. It is sad, it happens. Hopefully, brothers, you will learn from that error and not repeat it.

But, if it is not error that causes your problems, it may be something else. It may be the darkness inside you that holds you back. It may be the darkness inside you that doesn’t want you doing what must be done.

For that is the one truth that all my brothers must embrace. That is the one truth that you must Know in order to be happy. That is the one truth that you must live every single day of your life. That is the one truth that will set you free.

Listen closely, brothers. Listen carefully. Write this down if you must, but commit it to your heart, commit it to your soul, commit it to your very life:

Men do what must be done.

The latest Ross in Range column (Advice to Women About Men, or JR Uses Your Wristwatch to Tell You the Time) contains this utterly hopeless conversation. Men, you might want to start banging your heads on your keyboards now:

Here is a true exchange that occurred between people I know. See if you can learn something from it. It’s bedtime and the couple is undressing for bed:

Wife, a former beauty pageant winner who had gained 80 pounds in the three years since marriage: “I’m sooo fat.”

Husband, who had been hoping to get laid and is dismayed by this development: “You are terribly sexy. You’ve got great curves.”

Wife, not letting it go: “Tell me: Am I the fattest woman you’ve ever fucked?” [Question for readers: What is the proper response to this? I can’t imagine.]

Husband, wishing she would think about something else: “No, not even close.”

Wife, who knows his two previous girlfriends had good figures: “WHO has been a lot fatter than me? Tell me the truth! Who?”

Husband, thinking the truth will be the best policy: “Well, there was this girl named Mary. I forget her last name. It was maybe ten years ago. She worked in the same office as my girlfriend at that time. My girlfriend said Mary hadn’t had sex in several years because she was so fat no man wanted to. She asked if I’d have sex with Mary, you know, as a favor. Something nice you’d do for someone who needs cheering up.”

Wife: “So, you had a date with her and then had sex?”

Husband: “No, she came over with my girlfriend, and the three of us had some wine and listened to music. Then my girlfriend said ‘Why don’t you two go into the bedroom?’ So we did.”

Wife: “And you had sex with her?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Wife: “Did you like it?”

Husband: “I liked the fact that I was making her feel good.”

Wife: “But you were repulsed by her weight?”

Husband, thinking back to that night and how it had made three people feel good about themselves: “Well, I tried not to think about what she looked like. The lights were low. My girlfriend looked kind of like Renee Russo, and I imagined I was with her, but with some big pillows squooshed around her.”

Wife: “So you WERE disgusted by her weight!”

Husband: “Not the weight itself, exactly, but what it did to her. I mean, she had trouble walking, and that was painful to watch. And no way could she support herself on her hands and knees.”

Wife: “Trouble WALKING? How fat WAS she?”

Husband: “According to my girlfriend, she stopped weighing herself when she got over five hundred pounds.”

Wife, appalled: “So what other fat women have you had sex with?”

Husband, now utterly fed up and seeing no point in being tactful: “She got the gold. You get the silver.”

In my opinion this man made a mistake by answering his wife’s questions, but I’m not sure how I would have handled it differently. Refuse to speak? Pretend to have diarrhea and run to the bathroom? Feign an epileptic seizure?

Here we have a nice graphic illustrating why dragons died out:

Well, you have to admit it might have been a factor. Louts in armor can’t have done the whole of the dirty deed, can they?

There is no intention that this sex blog should host a long parade of sexual medical mishaps. Nor yet do I want to tread upon the ground that has been so thoroughly and famously trodden by the infamous Rectal Foreign Bodies page. However, in response to the last item Dr_Spaz was kind enough to email this link:

An unexpected benefit of pre-emptive rectal analgesic administration: the “key” to postoperative analgesia.

Moving rapidly along….

This looks like a fellow who derived so much enjoyment from being writhed upon by that pouncing stripper that there may be no need to remove his underwear. On the other hand, it’s possible that he’s just getting ready. In either case, it would appear that he’s enjoying the experience:

For real. And for six months she didn’t see fit to mention it to her health provider:

A 27-year-old lady presented with persistent cough, sputum and fever for the preceding six months. Inspite of trials with antibiotics and anti-tuberculosis treatment for the preceeding four months, her symptoms did not improve. A subsequent chest radiograph showed non-homogeneous collapse-consolidation of right upper lobe. Videobronchoscopy revealed an inverted bag like structure in right upper lobe bronchus and rigid bronchoscopic removal with biopsy forceps confirmed the presence of a condom. Detailed retrospective history also confirmed accidental inhalation of the condom during fellatio.

Thanks to J. Orlin Grabbe for the link.

With due regard for the source (especially considering the harsh words said yesterday in this space about notorious British tabloids) this news story about the use of prostitutes to torment religious prisoners at Guantanamo is nonetheless rather eye-opening:

MY HELL IN CAMP X-RAY

A BRITISH captive freed from Guantanamo Bay today tells the world of its full horror – and reveals how prostitutes were taken into the camp to degrade Muslim inmates.
…
But Jamal’s most shocking disclosure centred on the use of vice girls to torment the most religiously devout detainees.

Prisoners who had never seen an “unveiled” woman before would be forced to watch as the hookers touched their own naked bodies.

The men would return distraught. One said an American girl had smeared menstrual blood across his face in an act of humiliation.

Jamal said: “I knew of this happening about 10 times. It always seemed to be those who were very young or known to be particularly religious who would be taken away.”