From Teresa at Making Light:

“I’m of the school that thinks that someone else’s gender preferences are only your business if you’re thinking of making a pass at them. If not, not.”

What is it about this summer? Seems like good new sex blogs are sprouting up all over. This one’s called Erotic Truth [since gone defunct] and it’s a multi-author blog with lots of posts, all of them quite explicit and interesting.

You know that too-common complaint women have about some guy who tried to get them to do anal sex by “accidentally” just trying to slip it in when they weren’t expecting it? Well, one of the early posts on Erotic Truth is a very graphic, very bad example:

My first time was somewhat of an accident (or so he says). Scott and I are in the shower at his older cousins house doing the nasty. Little tub, and a shower curtain hanging from the ceiling. I am bent over, ass in the air (as usual) and he is fucking me harder than a raped ape. Suddenly he pulls out and with all the fucking force one man could muster he rams it into my ass. Shower curtain flies off, I scream…tears well in my eyes…ass bleeds. I was like WHAT THE HELL were you thinking about? He looks back at me as if I am on drugs and says…what? What? you stupid fucking waste of skin….you just rammed a good sized piece of meat into my virgin asshole. He’s like”I did?” YOU COULDNT TELL? No says he…..it felt just like the other hole. Alrighty then, either my pussy is so tight it feels like an ass or my ass is loose enough to feel like a pussy. Either way, he did not earn brownie points that day. Assfuck.

A gentleman, adept navigator, and credit to his gender. Not.

There’s Shell’s way… and then there is this way.

Celebrate diversity, I tell you!

mr youse needn’t be so spry
concernin questions arty

each has his tastes but as for i
i likes a certain party

gimme the he-man’s solid bliss
for youse ideas i’ll match youse

a pretty girl who naked is
is worth a million statues

— e.e. cummings

Lots of guys really enjoy a clean shaven lady. It can be visually and tactilely exciting, and it helps prevent getting hairs stuck in your teeth during oral sex, not that that’s a huge problem or anything. Unfortunately a lot of women have practical issues with shaving: razor burn, ingrown hairs, et cetera.

Fortunately, Smooth Shaven Shell (who used to be found at the now-defunct Across the Atlantic blog) has posted a guest blog post at Gut Rumbles that consists of exceedingly detailed instructions and suggestions for the shaving woman, complete with a ten step program:

I have a very hairy pussy. Thick dark hair on pale skin, and it isn’t confined to a neat little triangle. It spills down the tops of my thighs maybe half an inch or so.

This was all fine and good when I was married to Other Person, who didn’t really give a shit what I looked like, when he bothered to notice me at all. I’ve been separated from him now for 10 months and I have a wonderful new lover who does notice me.

He asked me to shave my labia. For the anatomically challenged, that’s the outer lips of the pussy. I was able to shave that without razor rash. The skin of the labia is different somehow than the mons. Whenever I tried to shave the mons, I got major razor burn. That is a very unpleasant place to have razor burn, as you can imagine. I was also opposed to shaving the mons because I love the feeling of my lover running his fingers through my pussy hair.

Then I found the correct tool for the job. A good electric shaver is far superior to a razor. I can pull it over the most delicate areas without nicks or cuts. It handles all the hills and hollows trying to shave down there requires. I love it.

My lover shaved me completely bald down there. It reduced some kinds of sensations (hair follicles rest in a net of nerves, which is why it feels so good when someone brushes your hair and hurts so bad if they pull it) but heightened others.

My lover likes it. A lot. So until he changes his mind, I’m keeping it smooth.

Maintaining A Shaven Pussy

1. If you are starting from long and hairy, like I did, trim it all short with a pair of scissors. Like 1/4″ or so. And unless you’re in a big hurry, you might want to wait a few days. Trimming irritates the skin a bit, because the hair ends are blunt and scratchy when they used to be tapered and smooth.

2. Unlike the instructions for shaving your pussy with a razor, I do not recommend bathing first to soften the hairs. You do not want them soft for an electric shaver. I shave every morning before my shower (unless I’m going to the gym, then I shave before I leave–I’m immodest, but I’m not up to shaving my pussy in public!) and then again at bedtime. Electric shaving doesn’t get as close, but I still spend less time shaving twice a day with a shaver than I would doing it once a day with a razor.

3. For the mons, do this standing in front of a full length mirror. You want the skin pulled taut, and the mons will be crunched up if you are sitting. Put your free hand on your belly just above the hairy part and pull up to tighten the skin. Then shave. It will take multiple strokes over the same area, especially if you are coarse and hairy like me. It also won’t get as close the first time as it will after you get used to it. Stand with your legs apart so you can get the crease between abdomen and thigh.

4. For the labia, you’ll want your makeup mirror. Find a comfortable place to sit with your knees bent and legs spread. On the floor leaning against the wall is good, as is a big comfy chair, if there’s enough room for the mirror. Pull a lamp nearby — you need light.

5. Now comes the fun part — shaving all those hills and hollows. I have a hard time getting the place just above the clit where the labia come together. Take it slow and easy till you get used to it. Pull the skin taut and shave against the grain. If you can manage it, a pillow under your ass and some cheek spreading can enable you to shave your anus.

6. Aftercare is important. Now you can take that shower or bath and wash off all those little hairs. Use a good exfoliant on your shaven bits. This will pull off the dead skin and help prevent and treat ingrown hairs. I have a major problem with these — the hairs just want to grow along under the surface of the skin. Scrubbing the skin helps free them.

7. For those really stubborn hairs, you’ll have to tweeze them. I’ve heard there are girls who tweeze their entire pussy. If I was to maintain my baldness with that method, that’s all I would have time to do all day. These must be women with sparser hair than me.

8. Apply a good lotion or cold cream to soothe the area–it will be irritated the first few times you do it, and it feels good when you rub it in. Or ask your lover to do it.

9. What about wet wipes? That’s for after you pee. When you actually have hair down there, it works as a funnel to direct the urine down in a nice little stream without getting the rest of you wet. A smooth pussy is deficient in this. The urinary opening is between the inner labia, below the clit. The urine comes out, and instead of being funneled down and away, it runs along the skin. It gets the labia wet. It gets the ass wet. It will even get the thighs wet. Having bum wipes on the back of the toilet (and yes, I took a box of them to work to sit on the toilet there), lets you tidy yourself up afterwards.

10. After all that work, you deserve a reward. And we all know what that reward should be: Cunnilingus!

She’s not making light of the practical problems, but she’s tackled them with a scientific mind and come up with an entire suite of strategies to minimize them. Bravo!

From Pussy Ranch, this exceedingly useful item of vocabulary:

Porn Shui: noun, refers to the art of positioning oneself in one’s office or cubicle so that one can surf porn undetected. Usage: “I have great porn shui; I face the hallway and the desk behind me is vacant.”

When I “worked” an office job, I was all about the porn shui.

Stupid joke for the wee small hours:

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants.

The bartender looks at him and says…”You know you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

The pirate replies, “Yar! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

Can we get a damn drum-roll here?