Same Dick Forever

It is the custom, I know, for groomsmen or bridesmaids to “decorate” the getaway vehicle the newlyweds will drive away in. Sometimes these pranks are brutally reductive about the institution of marriage:

Custom or not, I believe there’s merit in a couple choosing to secure their transportation against this sort of levity. It would not be excessive to park in some hidden place a few miles away and then surprise everyone by driving off in a Uber.

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I Predicted Bluetooth Smart-Toilet Hacks

Not even a month ago I produced one of my Rule 34 porn research reports for Dr. Faustus of Erotic Mad Science, which he converted to a blog post. The topic was machines for forcibly washing people, and my report contained this throwaway bit:

Moving on to toilets, the notorious Japanese “smart toilets” include seat heat, massage, adjustable water sprays and jets fore and aft, and in some cases, smart-phone apps for control. It seems natural enough that these devices could be (have been) … hacked for remote control surprises. However, I was unable to find any porn of that (yet).

Imagine my smug surprise at this news:

High-tech Japanese toilets are vulnerable to attack from their manufacturer’s own Android app. As The Atlantic reports, a security advisory from researchers at Trustwave says all Inax Satis Bluetooth toilets have the same Bluetooth PIN (“0000”) hardcoded, allowing anyone with the My Satis Android app to control any toilet within range.

What can you do with the app? Apart from activating the flush and checking in on the detailed defecation records stored by the commode, you can also activate the toilet’s bidet and drying functions, summoning a jet of water or hot air from below. Trustwave has attempted to inform Inax of the flaw three times since its discovery in June, and is only now making the vulnerability public.

So, no actual in-the-wild hack (that we know of, yet) — just a horrible vulnerability that the manufacturer chose to ignore, forcing public disclosure. There’s going to be a lot of unexpected hot and cold water jets up a lot of fannies before this gets fixed, especially if the PINs are indeed hard coded into the toilets.

The news inspired me to look a little harder. Rule 34 has not failed us, there is indeed porn of it:

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Magic Christian Fetish Fuel

The Magic Christian (1969) can’t be said to be a particularly good movie by any stretch of the imagination. It would seem to have a great deal of promise, having been based on a novel by Terry Southern and having brought together a remarkable amount of comedic talent. It has an interesting premise — a very bored, misanthropic billionaire named Sir Guy Grand adopts a young derelict to be his son, and together they go about using Sir Guy’s money to pay people to humiliate themselves in various ways. (“The Magic Christian,” by the way, is a supposed ship, not a person, created by Sir Guy as one of his more elaborate pranks.) In practice, the movie is something of a mess. But I can still think of audiences for it, to wit:

(1) People who want to see what is arguably the high point of Ringo Starr‘s film career, at least in movies not featuring the other Beatles. (Oh, c’mon. There must be at least some of you out there in Internetland.)

(2) British absurdist comedy fans, since this film represents a bridge of sort between comic generations. For the earlier generation, Goon Show mainstay Peter Sellers plays a principle part, and Goon Show principal and writer Spike Milligan has a cameo, and if you pay close attention, you’ll notice that occasional Goon Show guest John Snagge can be heard in a voiceover. For the rising new generation, Monty Python members John Cleese and Graham Chapman contributed material and appear in bit parts of their own.

(3) Those of us who want Fetish Fuel! There’s tons, and that’s why I’m writing this up for ErosBlog. I can’t possibly pick out everybody’s possible favorites, but I’ll focus on two.

First, can you really say you’ve lived if you haven’t seen Hamlet’s soliloquy done as a striptease?

Second, the “engine room” of The Magic Christian turns out to be a mock-up of the rowing deck of an oared galley, complete with galley slaves. Topless female galley slaves…

…presided over by Raquel Welch.

Note that she did not forget the whip.

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