What “Sex Positive” Means To Emily

For as long as I’ve been a sex blogger, the “sex positive” phrase has been circulating in our community. Trouble is, it’s a slippery concept that’s most easily recognized by encountering its opposite: sex negative bullshit in all of its many flavors.

This morning, Emily Nagoski tweeted “I may possibly have articulated the real secret to sex positivity. What do you think?” along with this link. The link takes us to an actionable definition of her “confidence and joy” good sex mantra:

Confidence: is knowing what’s true about your body and your sexuality.

Joy: is loving what’s true about your body and your sexuality.

I believe both confidence and joy are essential, if you want a really rich sexual connection in your life. No I believe something more than that: I believe that the more we expand people’s access to sexual confidence — knowing what’s true — and sexual joy — loving what’s true — the more we prevent sexual violence and heal sexual trauma, the more we protect people from unintended pregnancy and STIs, the more we prevent and treat sexual dysfunction. Confidence and joy are public health interventions.

I think Emily has captured at least part of a working definition of sex positivity, for sure. But in the blogging community at least, sex positivity also connotes tolerance and respect for what’s true about the sexuality and bodies of other people. I doubt Emily disagrees with this; my guess is that it’s a “how much can you say in one 140 character tweet?” sort of omission.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Pandora Blake: Not Being Exploited
• Defining Sex Positivity
• Fuck The Bell Curve

Defining Sex Positivity

Franklin Veaux has set off on a bold stroll through the minefields of sex positivity, with this post that mostly expounds on what sex positivity is not. As somebody who has long used the term, I found his disquisition useful. I didn’t quite agree with his one paragraph on what “sex positive” actually is, though:

Sex positivity at its core is simply the recognition that there is more than one “right” way to have sexual relationships. It is an acknowledgement that human sexuality is incredibly diverse, that different people have different tastes and relate to sexuality in different ways, and that as long as everyone is having sex with consenting adult partners, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with sex, regardless of the way people relate to it. In short, it’s a deliberate refusal to place one’s own sexuality on a pedestal and proclaim it the “right” way to have sex.

My thought upon reading that was that I’d just boil that down to “Sex positivity is about being non-judgmental about consensual sexual choices.” But upon reflection, I decided that’s not enough.

Franklin’s paragraph, and my sentence, are statements that establish a space by bounding it and excluding things from it. In my sentence, the word “non-judgmental” is key; “acknowledgment that … there is nothing wrong” and “deliberate refusal” are key phrases in his paragraph.

At best, we’re describing a lack of sex-negativity with phrases like these. I think being genuinely sex-positive requires something more. Franklin’s post details many specific things sex positivity is not; mostly, these are specific sexual propositions or arguments that have been claimed to underlie, and be necessary to, the sex-positive position. And I agree with him that none of these, individually, are necessary to sex-positivity.

However, I do think you can’t be sex-positive without — risking tautology here — being positive about some sex. Being “not negative” doesn’t quite get you there. Being “not negative” probably suffices to unsubscribe you from the armies of the anti-sex culture warriors, but you’ve got to take a positive position and celebrate sexuality in some way, I’d argue, to be sex-positive.

Do you have to celebrate all the sex? Of course not. If you’re like most people with pronounced tastes and opinions, some of the sexual propositions and subcultures out there will strike you as boring, frightening, risible, or worse. No matter. Sometimes being non-judgmental doesn’t require much more from you than keeping your mouth firmly shut. “It’s not for me” doesn’t make you judgmental, but if you examine your motives for expressing that sentiment, there’s usually a parcel of judgment to be found. Sex positive people, I’ve found, spend a lot of time celebrating what they are into, and waste very few words talking about the sex that doesn’t appeal.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Head-In-The-Toilet Sex
• The Cost of Sexual Weirdness
• Sexual Science