March 26th, 2007 -- by Bacchus
Sex Is Messy. Don’t Worry About It.
From a sex basics article for “guy virgins” about the practicalities of sex you don’t learn by reading, or by watching porn:
Messiness
You probably know this already, but overall sex is messier than what you see on TV or in porn.
- You’re going to get hot and sweaty of course.
- The woman’s lubrication is going to dribble all over the place and possibly stain the sheets. Someone is going to get semen on them at some point. Condom wrappers are going to litter the ground. You may kiss passionately and slobber all over each other.
- Sometimes when you’re doing a girl she’ll fart. I heard it has something to do with the thrusting pushing air into her abdomen but don’t quote me.
- Sometimes when you pull out and she changes positions she’ll fart out her pussy (queefing).
- If you have sex when she’s on her period, well use your imagination.
- If you have anal sex you may get some poo on your dick.
- If you have a good session, when you’re done you’re going to be sweaty, red faced, tired, and a bit out of it. Your hair will be messed up, gross stray hairs will be stuck to your skin, the girl will have a bit of white goop running out of her cootch. You’ll have a bit of cum dribbling out of your dick. There will be at least one condom wrapper on the floor, the sheets and pillows will be all over the place, and the bed will have a wet spot on it. If you cuddle after you’ll start to stick together and it’ll feel gross when you pull apart. It’s great.
Link via Sexoteric.
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Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1900
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1900
Beautifully worded, so many experienced lovers still don’t realize these things…
Hmm they mention using condoms then they mention white goop running out of her cootch… er, that’s what happens when you DON’T use condoms. If you used a condom and there’s white goop, something went wrong! lol
Sigh, yet another member of the “didn’t click the link” club. From elsewhere in the linked article: “If enough of it [vaginal lubrication] accumulates it has a whitish, mayonnaise look to it. Sometimes you’ll finish having sex and when you pull out and look down you’ll see a big drop of it running down between her legs.”
And no, when that happens, nothing went wrong. Quite the contrary.
I like white goop.
Happy, happy mess! So many fond memories rise when reading this piece. :)
I wish my partner and I had read something like this while we were still sexually inexperienced. It would have saved us from a lot of awkward moments.
My attitude in sex, married or not:
get in. get off. leave and let someone else clean up. Why should there be little foreplay and lots of afterwork?
Shortly after I met my ex-wife, we were petting in the car, and I slipped my hand inside her panties. I moaned approvingly, “Oh… you are SO wet!” there was a brief pause and she stammered, “You, LIKE that”? Then it was my turn to pause briefly before saying incredulously, “YEAH!”, and then she said “I didn’t want you to know, it’s so embarrasing”. I then tried to explain to her that I found it extremely sexy, but I’m not so sure she ever really understood why. Oh, did I mention that she’s now my “EX” wife? I should have known then…
Sign me up.
As lovely as this manual may be it is also missing a few key points for male virgins (or female ones for that matter). Sex is not only messy, but physically awkward and generally utterly graceless, unlike how the movies try and display it. If you kneel on her hair, accidentally get elbowed or do the elbowing, or generally do something utterly embarassing, well that’s okay too. It happens, move the offending body part and move on. Laugh it off if you must. Oh and by the way, even after years and years of sexual activity, this will still be happening! I think I just found a new post for my own blog.
Yea, I wish I had know this back in November when I lost my virginity. It definitely wasn’t what I expected. I was really surprised by how exasperated I was afterwards and was sooo sweaty that I was stinking really bad.
And what about accidentally popping out of her vagina and then thrusting into some other body part almost breaking your dick in half…that hurt like hell!
A friend of mine once said, “Sex reminds me of childhood.”
I said, “WHY?”
He said, “I like it really messy. You know, like jumping in mud puddles.”
PS: Don’t forget female ejaculation – a woman gushing all over you is super sexy.
“sex is dirty only when it’s done right” – I don’t remember where the quote comes from but it seems appropriate.
Though I don’t think it’s right that this is focusing on all the mess that FEMALE bodies make.
It’s a guide for dude virgins … presumably a group already well-acquainted with messes their male bodies make.