Hands-On Security
Isn’t it comforting to know that our nation’s security (actually, “security theater”, to use the more accurate Schneier-ish phrase) relies on hand-weighing the breasts of potential Canandian terrorists? (Reflect briefly on the phrase “Canadian terrorists” for a moment and then join me in a rousing mock-ironic chorus: “Oh noes!“)
The guard doesn’t crack a smile. Instead, he beckons a lean, hard-faced woman with greying blond hair held back in a high pony tail. Next thing I know, I’ve been pulled out of the line, away from my family and escorted into a little low-walled room for a more intimate encounter. I stand there, a bit flustered, but still smiling.
“I think it’s just my bra,” I say, trying to strike up a friendly girl-to-girl rapport. She’s having none of that. She escorts me to a special chair and runs the wand carefully over every bit of me. Then, she has me stand on a pair of footprints, outlined in white. She wands me again, and again, my torso sets the thing buzzing like an angry mosquito.
She eyes my bosom suspiciously. It’s not the kind of ogling I’m used to.
I’m a robust 34 FF. That’s the kind of full-figure that needs support akin to a good bridge truss. Over the years, my breasts have attracted their share of attention. Back when they were still perky enough to stand up all by themselves, they were generally considered quite distracting by the men of my acquaintance. But that was 20 years and 50 pounds ago. These days, I look more like a centrefold for National Geographic than Playboy, and my underwire is a wardrobe essential. Still, I never imagined my plunging cleavage could be viewed as a threat to homeland security. The guard puts down the wand and starts a thorough manual search. She doesn’t ask me to take off my shirt — though I’d almost rather she did.
Instead, she slowly, methodically palpates every millimetre of my underwire, starting with the poky bits under my armpits, making her way around to my sternum, feeling carefully, one presumes, for suspicious lumps or gaps. Next, she takes my two breasts, one in each hand, and weighs them carefully, like a shopper trying to choose the right mangoes.
“Balanced,” she mutters. “Nice balance.”
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As one of the girls who rely on wonders of civil engineering to keep the chest-bounce factor to a minimum, I’m starting to get a little scared about my eventual first trip to the US.
Hmm, my braces sometimes set off metal detectors. Thankfully, all I need to do to get rid of suspicions is to give’em a wide grin.
Adele, as a US-ian I’m ashamed to say I wish I shared your innocence. In your shoes, I’d be fearful of earning myself a back-room no-witnesses dental examination conducted with all the usual charm and skill for which the TSA is famous.
As the anecdotes pile up, we’ve learned that TSA really does operate on a “wires? ohnoes, wires are dangerous!” mentality, completely divorced from any understanding or concern for the legitimate uses to which wires are put. Wires wrapped around her teeth? What sort of nefarious dentition bomb is that? Hit the panic button!
Honestly, I think you’re overreacting, Bacchus. I haven’t flown since summer, but in the last 2-3 years I’ve flown repeatedly, averaging as high as once a month, for work. The one time I was singled out for a (public) search, really just a higher level of scrutiny, involving being wanded, was because I bought a ticket for a flight less than 6 hours away. Oh, and once they swabbed my backpack for gunpowder residue, which was fair as it’d had a gun in it earlier that week. Generally, treat the TSA people as people, and, importantly, don’t wisecrack in their hearing, and there’s rarely a problem. I’ve even argued with guards at Dulles about taking off my shoes. I eventually
complied, but wasn’t subjected to any extra scrutiny that trip.
You yourself linked to the security theater comment, and, of course, that’s what it is. I have accidentally gotten small pocket knives or screwdrivers thru the checkpoints, which doesn’t fill me with confidence in the screeners, but if you treat the TSA people civilly, and know what the restrictions are, the chances of experiencing problems are pretty small. I didn’t bother following your link to the whole story, but the screener involved sounds like a jerk, and the OP probably should’ve reported her.
Rick, it’s nice to hear that if I’m meek and polite and compliant and humorless during the deprivation of my civil liberties, I’ll only “rarely” have a problem with the officials whose job it is to deprive me of them.
And as for overreacting? I guess that depends on how you value the civil liberties in question. You, rather less than me, it would seem.
I used to think it was funny when airport security freaked out over a pen I had stuck through the wire in a spiral notebook pre9/11. Now that I’ve been groped, I mean felt up, I mean more carefully screened due to the wires in my 36F, none of the security theater is amusing. I’m glad Rick doesn’t mind. Maybe he got the happy ending.
I wonder what would happen if the searchee would have just offered to take her shirt off? It would have been easier and required less groping.
Lee, it’s been tried. They arrested her for indecent exposure.
Police: Woman Removed Shirt, Bra At Indiana Airport
French Woman Posts Bond After Arrest
Posted: 7:55 p.m. EST October 28, 2002
EVANSVILLE, Ind.– A French woman who became angry while being scanned with a hand-held metal detector at the Evansville Regional Airport was arrested Monday.
Police said the arrest came after the woman removed her shirt and bra in the terminal.
Eliane Yvonne Marcelle Aguillaume, of Paris, was charged with disorderly conduct in an airport, resisting arrest and indecent exposure.
Police said Aguillaume, 56, became angry when a female airport screener started to scan the area of her bra.
Aguillaume kept reaching inside her sweater, so the scanner had to search the area again. Police said Aguillaume then took off her sweater, shirt and bra.
Aguillaume was taken to the Vanderburgh County Jail and later released after posting $5,300 bond.
mind you , that IS indiana…..
Or the government just likes to set people up by overlapping the boundaries between too much and not enough. BTW, I forgot to mention I think Rick is at least partially right. That screener in this post really should have been reported. Perhaps once safely through the gates.