Isn’t it comforting to know that our nation’s security (actually, “security theater”, to use the more accurate Schneier-ish phrase) relies on hand-weighing the breasts of potential Canandian terrorists? (Reflect briefly on the phrase “Canadian terrorists” for a moment and then join me in a rousing mock-ironic chorus: “Oh noes!“)

The guard doesn’t crack a smile. Instead, he beckons a lean, hard-faced woman with greying blond hair held back in a high pony tail. Next thing I know, I’ve been pulled out of the line, away from my family and escorted into a little low-walled room for a more intimate encounter. I stand there, a bit flustered, but still smiling.

“I think it’s just my bra,” I say, trying to strike up a friendly girl-to-girl rapport. She’s having none of that. She escorts me to a special chair and runs the wand carefully over every bit of me. Then, she has me stand on a pair of footprints, outlined in white. She wands me again, and again, my torso sets the thing buzzing like an angry mosquito.

She eyes my bosom suspiciously. It’s not the kind of ogling I’m used to.

I’m a robust 34 FF. That’s the kind of full-figure that needs support akin to a good bridge truss. Over the years, my breasts have attracted their share of attention. Back when they were still perky enough to stand up all by themselves, they were generally considered quite distracting by the men of my acquaintance. But that was 20 years and 50 pounds ago. These days, I look more like a centrefold for National Geographic than Playboy, and my underwire is a wardrobe essential. Still, I never imagined my plunging cleavage could be viewed as a threat to homeland security. The guard puts down the wand and starts a thorough manual search. She doesn’t ask me to take off my shirt — though I’d almost rather she did.

Instead, she slowly, methodically palpates every millimetre of my underwire, starting with the poky bits under my armpits, making her way around to my sternum, feeling carefully, one presumes, for suspicious lumps or gaps. Next, she takes my two breasts, one in each hand, and weighs them carefully, like a shopper trying to choose the right mangoes.

“Balanced,” she mutters. “Nice balance.”

Thanks to FleshBot for the link.

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