I have always been a sucker for complicated sex machines. Since I am not a mad-scientist tinker-engineer, of course this means I don’t actually have any to play with. No, my joy in baroque sex machinery manifests chiefly as an aesthetic appreciation for the fantastic imaginings of other people, who combine the kind of depraved imagination I like with enough artistic ability to render their sex-machine inventions into sweet lovely porn.

Although Japanese anime and its associated erotic art fandoms are the main source of bizarre sex machine depictions, the world of in-browser HTML5 sex games and BDSM simulator type amusements has latterly been contributing to the feeding of my jones for sex machine imagery featuring lots of bells, whistles, helmets, visors, screens, dials, buttons, manipulators, restraints, and orgasm-counting readouts. Indeed I find that a bit of BDSM functionality is de rigueur for any sex machine worthy of the name. I mean, if “lots of screaming orgasms” is the goal, that’s gonna require precise positioning of the screaming individual. And people are generally terrible about staying where you put them while some complex machine stimulates them beyond the capacity for human self-restraint. A few shackles, straps, and implacable robotic gripping arms make the entire process proceed much more efficiently. It’s only logical!

If the particular sex machine in question is also a full virtual reality simulator setup with sensory-imposition visor and a robust full-range-of-motion haptic-feedback suite sufficient to simulate enforced exercise or whatever “overwhelmed by superior force” fantasy the VR programmers can dream up, so much the better! I mean, seriously, how much fun could we all have with a rig like that?

Remote administration tools with lots of oscilloscope displays that monitor arousal — yup, that’s a good feature. Of course the machine should have those. You know you hardly even needed to ask a silly question like that.

What else should go on the wishlist? Well, there’s nothing at all wrong with a good solid industrial robustness to the sex machine engineering. Some of these sessions may go long. A machine that breaks down before the exhausted user does is no good to anybody. Plus, too many wires and tubes on there give you too many things to break or come disconnected. No, it’s perfectly fine to build the thing like an Imperial Walker. If it’s built to keep working after thirty none-too-bright stormtroopers kick it out of the back of cargo lander in a dust storm at 10,000 feet on a parachute pallet, that’s about right:

The real test of a sex machine, of course, is how well it delivers pleasure. If it’s causing the user to generate a lot of noisy complaints, but in a tone of voice that a manga letterer would render with lots of enthusiastic heart emojis, that’s probably about right:

As you can see, I have a lot of notions about what makes a good sex machine. Odds are, the one I want won’t be on the market any too soon. Isn’t that sad?

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