Old farmer John found himself a pretty young wife, but of course you can’t go on a long honeymoon when there are cows to milk twice a day. So the honeymoon isn’t everything she had imagined, and it is a few things she hadn’t expected:

Art is by Alazar, from the 1970s.

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I’ve heard women complain that men don’t care about having a clean kitchen. Apparently that sentiment is not universal:

Image credit: Ms. Abigail Fraser.

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This is one of those porn pictures that seems to tell a little story about what’s going to be happening over the next few minutes:

Starring, of course, two un-credited lesbians (because I don’t know who they are) and a flesh-colored Feeldoe.

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It’s not a perfect article, but I can’t really complain about any coverage of the #Pornocalypse that opens with my line about it:

If you sift through #Pornocalypse for even a short while you will see a familiar message cropping up again and again: ‘The pornocalypse comes for us all.’

It may not yet have the tradition and durability of doom-laden portents like ‘The End Is Nigh’, but the Pornocalypse is real; it’s happening every day and affecting a great number of people.

While the adult biz has always been wary of the mild witch hunt vibes that provide its background noise, the past few months have seen attackers from all sides try and cut the power that lights up the sex business.

That’s from Pornocalypse: The End Of The F*cking World? by Joseph Viney at BaDoink.

I’m quoted at some length, as is Ms. Naughty, who offers her own formulation of Bacchus’s First Rule Of The Internet:

“The warning I would give anyone who deals with adult content is this: don’t trust your business to a third party. Because they will inevitably try to censor you. Buy a domain, host it yourself (on an adult-friendly host), make sure you have total control of that content. Your livelihood is too important to trust to a “free” service. There will always be someone who complains and then you’ll have someone on minimum wage making major decisions about what porn is.”

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This one has been going around:

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I’m told that in the early days of the New Mexico Territory, they didn’t really have a complete understanding of what the “swimsuit” portion of their local beauty pageants should look like:

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As part of the Stockroom’s big Valentines Day Sale (of which more later, I promise) you can save $100 off the regular retail price of this luscious red leather version of the Stockroom’s famous and exclusive Bolero Straitjacket that offers all the restraint of a traditional straitjacket with much less fun-killing body coverage:

Our signature Bolero Straitjacket is now also available in a soft and supple “lipstick red” garment leather.

Made of high quality garment leather, latigo belting and nickel-plated hardware,the Red Bolero Straitjacket™ is a fantastic addition to our signature line of quality leather gear.

Like a traditional straitjacket, our Bolero Straitjacket™ has a buckling collar and back closures in addition to the extra long glove-like sleeves that extend beyond the fingertips. The sleeves end with a small rectangular ring on one and a 1” wide strap on the other.

The features that make it unique are its cropped length and the vertically and horizontally adjustable chest strap which leave nearly the entire chest and back exposed. The proper positioning assured by the cropped feature and the adjustable chest strap makes the traditional crotch strap unnecessary without sacrificing functionality as a restraint. The two heavy gauge D-rings provide additional points for attachment.

Also on sale: The Bolero in traditional black leather and the perforated Bolero for breathability and longer-wearing comfort. (Sadly, the Bolero for men is not on sale.)

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Did you ever struggle with a blog post, spending a couple of hours trying to get your point across and uncertain whether you succeeded? Only to discover that Dan Savage said what you were trying to say, only shorter, pithier, and with just enough offensive edge for it to be memorable?

Well, that’s what happened to me with this post, once I saw the interview Dan Savage gave to Playboy a month before:

We should tell people who are in sexless relationships and who aren’t doing what their partner wants, “You bought the dairy, so milk the fucking cow. If you don’t milk it, it’s going to find somebody else to milk it.”

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In every category of sites dealing with porn, you’ll find ones that are the real thing in their category and ones that are shallow copycats. When it comes to reviewing porn sites, Porn Castle (at PornCastle.com) is definitely the real thing, reviewing more than 1200 pornsites with lots of hard numerical data on prices, billing policies, and amount of porn available with each subscription. That’s no surprise for a porn review site with its roots in the forums where actual porn consumers would share their experiences:

It all started a few years ago when we would get together online and discuss different porn sites through message boards and chat systems. We kept finding the same problems with some sites, including billing scams and junk content — meanwhile other great sites with excellent content and strong ethics seemed to often get overlooked. Finally we started posting reviews for each other to get a good collection of information.

Written reviews at Porn Castle tend to be short (one or two paragraphs) and factual. I spot-checked three or four reviews for pornsites I’m familiar with and found them honest and agree-worthy, allowing for the usual bit of variation in our tastes for different kinds of porn. What makes Porn Castle special is the detailed tables of data they have about each site: number of porn videos available, quality/resolution of the videos, quality/resolution of the porn photos, and most importantly, all of the site’s billing policies. Which billing options recur? Are there cross sales, and are they pre-checked? What discounts are available? Porn Castle is especially good at highlighting the porn discounts you can get if you choose the right billing option at a particular site.

There’s also a good system for identifying the pornstars that a site features and showing you where else you can find them, which is great for fans of a particular model. My most serious critique is that there aren’t so many reviews covering the most famous networks of BDSM sites. That’s presumably an editorial choice rather than an oversight; despite recent adult industry declines there’s still far too many porn sites out there for any review site to hope for complete coverage of everything.

Do you know about the fun game where you replace the caption on any cartoon in the New Yorker with the “Christ, what an asshole” caption? It works better than you would think, and not just at the New Yorker.

It also works as a caption to this picture at Kinky Delight. Christ, what an asshole.

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