November 24th, 2023 -- by Bacchus
“For Screwing Dog”
This is an actual advertisement for ground anchor stakes that is presently live on Amazon. Please, I beg of you, do not use these ground anchors for screwing dog:
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Shorter URL for sharing: https://www.erosblog.com/?p=31914
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Jenny Simpson would like that. Don’t look up “Jenny Simpson XXX”. You may have to destroy your device.
If thirty years of internetting has taught me anything, it’s taught me to ignore the perverse impulse that always sparks when someone says “don’t look up XYZ”. Especially when you already know pretty well what you’re gonna find.
95% of everything on Amazon comes from China, and we can all see what happens when they use Google Translate to compose the advertising text from Chinese to English. Or perhaps, when they’re using a Chinese AI to translate their advertising text.
Although the odds are in your favor, I didn’t single out the Chinese because, percentages or not, we don’t actually know who made this particular translation error, or what tools led them astray.
Ever since I posted this, I’ve been thinking about the caption I would have used as a native speaker. Probably “dog tether”. But we often speak (at least in my regional dialect of English) of a “dog stake” or “staking out a dog” and given that “stake” can have violent connotations (think vampires) there are lots of ways machine translation could go horribly wrong. It’s sometimes possible to anticipate the worst mistakes machine translation engines make and avoid them by choosing less-ambiguous words (ones with fewer synonyms and milder connotations). I can only imagine that in Chinese (or whatever the origin language for this mistake) the verb for securing an animal with a spiral stake might easily translate to “screwing” with no way for the algo or its user to anticipate the lewd connotations.
All of which is a fancy way to say, I’ll enjoy the humor of bad machine translation but I’m not without empathy for its victims.
An ANCIENT joke on this very topic.
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/quality-is-the-first-occupation/
Rather than a translation error, it seems to me like a text formatting error with a crucial word hidden by the invisible line break: “for screwing dog *house*”, as suggested by the sentence describing the product.
It’s not just a stake, but a screw you put into the ground, far more secure than a stake. Thus “screwing” is a completely accurate term, albeit not what a native speaker would use due to the double meaning.
Loren, it might be completely accurate when speaking of screwing the ground or screwing down the dog, but a dog should never be the object of this unmodified transitive verb.
It looks to me that one possibility is using one of these to anchor a dog lead to let the animal have some freedom of movement while not being able to run away.
Aw hell Professor, as long as we’re talking possibities, the ad seems to suggest a purchase of FOUR stakes!
Why, an enterprising wife could take her husband out to the 18th hole of the local golf course, on some balmy middle of the night, plot out a nice seven foot square on the putting green, place one of those stakes at the intersection of each corner, and tie her husband naked and spread-eagle to the stakes.
By bringimg along a backpack full of sex toys, and by all the while promising him some wild sex, she should be able to imagine all kinds of creative scenarios before flipping him over and starting all over again…
Dr. Whiplash, you can always be relied upon to take these things up a notch!
Word of caution, though: for better or worse we do not live in the 20th century any more, and even commercial-grade surveillance cameras these days are cheaper than a good bottle of malt. I believe all but the seediest golf courses in these times should be assumed to have a whole bank of cameras set out to deter and punish vandalism and shenanigans.
Good point oh wise one.
The object is to park far enough away that any kind of camera is not likely to be employed, or able to connect you to your exploits.
You might consider wearing nothing but a hat and sunglasses or a hoody.
Somewhere I have always suspected there exists a tape of me riding completely naked on the back of an otherwise riderless, life-sized metal horse statue, located just to the side of a museum parking lot. (It was about 3 a.m. in the morning…)
I took a flash photo…
However as comedian Ron White would say, “You’re never gonna catch “The ‘Tater”!