Relationship Papers?
You do not own title on your lover. You simply have lease on a part of their lives, whether you’re married or not. It is always, always, always in your best interest that your lover maintain some of their privacy and “me” time.
That’s what Steff says in a long post that makes some really good points. But I wonder…..is it ever a good idea to think that you own part of your lover? Steff’s right, nobody “owns title” on a lover, but even the idea of having a “lease on part of their lives” squicks me. To me that sounds too much like “I own this part of you,” and I usually have a hard enough time controlling my life to want the extra work of controlling part of somebody else’s.
D/s play is separate from my point. There, all parties agree on how the games go, and they’re there because they want to be there. They’re choosing. If there’s relationship papers involved, titles or leases or whatever, then some amount of choice gets lost. Maybe that works for some people, but not for me. What Steff said made me understand that J is good for me because right now he can’t own me, he’s still married although I guess that’s just technically since the divorce is going through the courts now. We just get together when we can and have the fun that we both want to have. I hope that doesn’t change once he’s divorced.
Speaking of J, he’s been out of town for awhile. Last night he sent me an email “Thinking of You,” and all it contained was the words to the song Black and Blue. “The harder the better, let’s do it ’til we’re black and blue”……I think we might be on the same page after all! I might get to find out this weekend, keep your fingers crossed for me!
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1535
Sounds like something I’ve had to come to realize here lately. I don’t own my lovers, my lovers don’t own me, and they’re happily married to each other. I don’t want to own anyone, just be part of their lives and loves.
You don’t own me.
I’m not just one of your many toys.
But it’s cool with me if you want to play with one of MY many toys…
If your married, I believe you own each other in some ways. How can you not. Isn’t having boundaries on what they can do in the relationship a form of ownership?
If I own a part of my gf, it’s because she’s given it to me to look after. If I abuse that part of her, it’s her right to take it back. I don’t really ‘own’ her or part of her, I keep it in trust for her, as she does with part of me.
I have ownership papers with my Master and in fact prefer to call him as my owner. While I’ve not regretted signing and handing over my “rights” I’d also say that signing one’s life over requires utter trust and an ability to come to grips with dedication to the social aspects of D/s. I strongly feel that giving ownership is a developed trust over time instead of a casual choice.
It’s about choice, honestly… As people, we can choose to hand over a portion of ourselves to our significant other (or Master) as a show of trust in them and their ability to treat us with respect. HOWEVER – it is *not* truly owning someone. The idea of ownership falls under the idea that this person can, at any time, treat us poorly, throw us into a corner and forget us, sell us to another person, even kill us, and have the right to do so.
Before you get up in arms, please think on the origin of “owning humans”… It’s slavery as we knew it in the 1800’s (not to mention prior), people. And while many of us shy away from that nasty word and idea, that’s what it boils down to.
I am in a D/s relationship myself. We are not a 24/7 D/s relationship. It’s not needed for us. It is accepted that he is the Dominant one of the relationship, and I am the submissive. Does this mean that I am “owned”? No. Does this mean that he has rights over my person that I do not? NO. At any time, should I decide that I don’t want to, I can tell him that I’m not into the scene, and it will stop immediately. Why? Because the pleasure runs both ways. He gets none if I am not experiencing any, and I get none if he is not experiencing any.
As far as marriage is concerned… Well, if you think that marriage is anything but the legal right to have taxes at a different tax bracket, then you’re looking at it incorrectly. Marriage is NOT another form of “ownership”. I had a husband who thought that once – then again, he also thought that he could have an open relationship on HIS end of things, but not allow me any leeway on MY end of things… That ended quickly enough. So did the marriage. Marriage is a partnership – an agreement that the both of you will pull your weight equally within the relationship and will do your best to support one another to the best of your abilities. It is NOT an agreement that you now OWN one another.
~M
I think Justin said what I wanted to say better than I did.
I like it. The thought of relationships as an unwritten “lease”.
A sort of “I agree to take care of you, you agree to take care of me. I promise not to run off without notice and in return I promise to trust you not to run off without notice.” thing. Which is basicly what any lease contract for an apartment is (minus any money issues) and applys to most relationships (whether with friends, family, children or lovers).