Sexual Science
Here’s a sort of fun link, courtesy of Violet Blue. The Taste Tester: One Woman’s Attempt To Help Men Taste Better chronicles Ava’s attempts to make her boyfriend’s semen taste better through dietary changes. Should be fun to see what she learns.
Fair warning, though: by the sex positive standards of this audience, Ava’s a bit porn-negative and quick to call her boyfriend an idiot for wanting to come on her tits. On the one hand, she’s being a fine sport about the whole semen-in-the-mouth business; but on the other hand, a man ought to be able to express a fantasy without having his lady want to “smack some sense into him.” Hint: When a man tells you he’s “horrified with himself” and “acting like an idiot”, he’s most likely backpedalling furiously and regretting his moment of honesty, rather than feeling actually repentant. Good luck getting the next fantasy out of him!
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1562
Hmmm, very interesting link and highly appropriate since I am now doing a series on taste and smell. I have to say that I agree with you on her “porn-negative” status, but I think Ava is really fooling herself.Quote:
‘Still, the concept of having categoris like “blowjob,” “anal sex,” or “69″ kind of creeps me out. It just sounds so much like the menu on a porn site to me. So am I writing porn? Hell no.’
Whatever!
. . . or the diplomacy power of fucking?
She did say that “I might just let him do it” at the end of that post, so some of it is just tone, I bet. She also takes it up the ass, so she’s got some GGG in her for sure.
> I agree that any guy who claims he’s horrified with himself IS NOT.
Talking from experience, it’s quite possible and even common. There’s loads of people chock-full of guilt and shame because of the “horrid and sinful impulses” they have inside, even after a “happy marriage” and all that. Just the other day i was reading the account of a guy (sorry, lost the link) who was so ashamed of himself because of his urges to masturbate (prompted by an early episode of his childhood where his mom threatened to cut off his penis to stop him from doing it), that someday after having grandchildren just hacked off his penis to stop the masturbation urges. And some years ago i read of a woman that got her son castrated because of a similar situation (“he looks happier now” she said… i’m getting angry all over again just from remembering those stories…).
My experience is of course and thankfully not so drastic (apart from circumcision (which i’m working on half-revert which’ll take me years) my boy bits are quite ok, working well and complete thankyouverymuch ;) ), but having spent my childhood as a fundamentalist son i’ve known shame and guilt over my own healthy impulses, and i can tell you, it’s not pretty. Thankfully things have changed, and you can be sure any children i have in the future will be educated under the basic sexual premise of “Sex and all the related stuff is fundamentally very good”, and will do what i can to avoid them into falling onto that shame trap. And naturism is helping against that too.
Don’t underestimate the destructive power of shame.
Context is important, Jherazob. We were talking about a sexually-healthy-sounding guy with a sense of humor about sex. I also said “most likely”, not “always”, which leaves room for a few guilt-and-shame-ridden types who might react in horror to their own sexual impulses when admonished by their lover for having them. But in context, I very much doubt that’s what happened here.
Thank you for your kind words on my blog.
I admit to the double-standard on porn. VS is correct, and I need to come to terms with seperating the generic term with so much of the really nasty incarnations we see today–you know, the type that include “humiliation” in the title. That’s not remotely sex-positive.
I do take issue with your representation of the post where my boyfriend asked to cum on my tits. If you re-read the post you will see that I had absolutely no issue with him asking to cum on my tits. I took issue with the complete lack of emotion and romance he put into the request. I believe I made that clear.
It’s all context, and in this instance he made me feel like what I thought would be a fun, sexy, mutually satisfying experiment had turned into making me a semen target. He is better than that, and he knows it. He is not an idiot (and I didn’t call him an idiot, by the way), he was acting like an idiot, however. An idiot who doesn’t want to get sex that night.
As to your final comment, I agree that stifling communication is a horrible thing. That we communicate so well and value mutual respect is why I let him do things like cum pretty much whereever he wants on or in my body or fuck me in the ass. But there is a big difference between criticizing disrespect and criticizing a fantasy. There are very few things that are off limits with me, but they have to be done with US in mind.
Ava, I’d guess I have to say you *didn’t* make it clear that it was his demeanor surrounding the request rather than the request itself that bothered you. In both your blog comment and in this post (where you talk with evident disapproval about being a “semen target”) the message that seems to come through is that the proposal itself was unwelcome, not its manner of phrasing.
I’ll go a step further and say that the anecdote as you blogged it didn’t convey any disrespect to me, making it tougher to understand that it was a disrespect issue with you. As you say, context is important, tone of voice even more so, and explaining those things on this-here voiceless internet-thingy can be tough as hell. Thus, I appreciate the clarifications.
Well, anyone who reads me knows I’m not much into the whole porn thing, nor the “hey, shoot yer load on me” deal, but I’d never fault my guy for asking.
Just the other day, “What would you like to do this morning?”
“Well, I’d like you to go down on me, make me breakfast, then let’s fuck like bunnies.”
So I did all three. He was stunned. It’s been a VERY nice week, and now he’s even more open about more things than he’d been before, and the sex is getting a little raunchier, of which I approve.
I agree that any guy who claims he’s horrified with himself IS NOT. She needs a little reality check, if that’s how she dealt with it, and that’s how he’s supposedly responded. And too bad, too.
Once you burn that bridge of openness, the hesitation and lack of trust begins to spread. No lover should ever be faulted for expressing their wants.
All you have to say is, “I get why that might turn you on, but it’s something I’m not comfortable with.”
When will people ever learn the fucking power of diplomacy? Sigh.
Nah, Ava, the tone isn’t any clearer for me, and I’m a chick.
I find my boyfriend’s irreverence to be one of his sexy qualities. He’s passionate, open, honest, but at times, he says the absolutely wrong thing with the dirtiest little grin on his face. We playfight, or I return the attitude. But I don’t judge him for saying something in a less than tactful way. Shit happens.
In fact, one of the best and funniest moments we’ve had yet as a couple was as a result of some totally crass remark he made — mostly because he was tired from just bringing me to orgasm, and was too tired or spent to think straight, and I totally knew that was the case — but called him on it anyways, and began teasing him as a result, again, resulting in a playfight, resulting in yet more sex.
I mean, really, what’s he gonna ask, “Excuse me, would you mind very much if I were to ejaculate upon your bosom later this evening? I would ever so appreciate it. Pretty please, with sugar on top?”
You know what I’m saying? I can appreciate where you’re coming from, but I can’t really empathize. I also agree with the comment on your site from The Boy, who said it was ironic that you took offense to his expression when you then turned around and offensively related the happenings in your own blog. It just smacks of duality, is all.
I think many men don’t know how to lead on to exploring other areas of kinkiness within regular sex with-out soiling it so to speak – like when they want to give a friend a hug, it can’t seem to be that they can do it tenderly, it has to be done with, ‘guffaws’ and ‘jeers’. Why? Why not tenderly hug another male friend.
Or making pugh of sexual desires, as coming on breasts or anyway. When I wanted to cum on my partner’s clothes, after we had made love in a tight bond, with me having tied her, and held her, which she loves, she amusingly remarked ‘oh no not my clean dress’ but it was a moment we played out to each other, she enjoying the sub position and I performing a crass deed but perfectly suited to the roles we were both enjoying –
I think you lead the other person in to what you are doing or if the moment salutes it, and you both can read each other’s thoughts to a degree, then play it that way.
I think I’m veering off topic as usual … oh well …
Thanks for your thoughts, Steff. I just need to learn to write with more clarity.
As to your experiences, I guess I can’t really relate to where you are coming from, but that may just be cultural/social differences. I don’t consider it a lack of tact when a guy says something like “So, we gonna fuck tonight?” so much as a lack of emotional connection. Sure, pure unbridled fucking is cool at times, but even that flows from the relationship we have.
I don’t even know if I can verbalize what I’m trying to say, which is frustrating in its own right.
The fault of lack of clarity is always on the writer in my opinion, so I’ll accept blame for not being clear. Tone and context are definitely hard to convey in writing since you lack any sort of objectivity. I certainly *thought* I was clear.
I was wondering, however, if some of this might be related to the sex of the reader. Would my tone be clearer to female readers than male readers? Not saying it is, but it’s worth considering.
Thanks again for the comments.
Ava
Interesting question, Ava, and we might hear from some female readers on it. I dunno, though, if there’s any way to separate the “were female readers better able to pick up your intended tone?” question from the basic Mars-Venus issue. I’m speculating that you thought the disrepect that informed your anecdote was self-evident, whereas male me assumed (from the reported verbal exchange) the standard male semi-humorous sexual opportunism, which here on Mars is actally understood to be complimentary.
Ava — Well, I have to say, if the guy ONLY said things in that tone, I’d be up one side of him and down the other sooner or later.
I don’t mind the intermittent crassness, because I know my guy doesn’t exclusively think in those terms.
There’s a balance.
And yes, clarity would be good. (smirk) It’s hard to always nail the clarity thing. I know I still need to clarify my stance on “polyamory” from last month. That’s the devil of blogging — instant publishing means haphazard editing, and things fly under our radars.
Anyhow, I didn’t link to you in my posting because I wasn’t sure you meant to be as negative as it sounded — but it gave me good fodder for writing anyhow. Better luck next time. :)
Well I definately picked up on Ava’s feeling that her boyfriend was being crass and unromantic when he said he wanted to cum on her tits.
As someone who’s been a sex worker for years, I can actually say lots of men really are shamed into being horrified of themselves by their partners. It drove me CRAZY when I saw it. Some men had been so shamed by premature ejaculation that they were like kicked puppies. Sexual power is NOT only in the hands of men!
I was always shocked when a guy would tell me his wife would NEVER… give a blowjob, allow a pearl necklace, or some other harmless thing like that. I mean to me, it’s actually far more challenging to swallow than to have cum on your tits, especially if we are not talking about tasty cum (which based on her blog, she is not!). Cum on your tits, you wipe off. Cum in your mouth, you hafta figure out a way to swallow! Which, if the taste is awful, is not always easy! (For me, it’s best if the cum is shot straight down my throat. You get a tiny taste!)
Honestly, I used to have to guide guys into doing the things I LOVE to do (and that I know they want to do too!) because they were far too cowed and scared to ask. Every once in a blue moon I’d meet a guy who was, in my mind, a mysoginist… but the vast majority of my clients loved women and were desperate for some guidance and some acceptance and had been so busy bending over backwards to please the women who snap the whip to keep them in line, they’d never had any damned fun. It’s frankly depressing to think about. It makes me want to start whoring again NOW. (I am taking a break.)
Humiliation CAN be sex-positive if it is what a person (male/female) wants, enjoys, and finds empowering and liberating. I know several people who enjoy it, and I’m friends with a woman who gives classes on erotic humiliation which are always packed to the gills. I’m much more comfortable when people don’t say “THAT cannot be” whatever adjective you choose. Yes, it can. If it’s not for you, that’s ok. But ah, the judgement! I am the most judgemental person when it comes to some things, but I’ve learned to at least *try* to be open to the sexuality of other people.
Of course, I wouldn’t expect openness from someone in denial about what she is writing in her “semen taste tests!” :) The way to change the many, many bad things about the porn industry is by admitting that you ARE posting porn, your own way, with your own control, in an empowering way for you… not by denying it. Just like all the other thousands and thousands of amateur girls (like me) amateur writers (like me) who are creating their OWN porn instead of allowing the mainstream porn industry to be IT.
Hmmm, I think I’m gonna go ask my husband to cum on my tits now. ;)
Reading this made me think about the millions of men out there who would gladly pay about a week’s salary to have some woman tie them down and piss on their faces with a “complete lack of emotion and romance”.
I’ll also bet there are countless women who wish that their man would ejaculate copiously on their chests in a similar manner.
Sometimes you want to make love to your woman, and make it last as long as you possibly can, and then sometimes you just want to give her a quick pearl necklace.
I expect the same sort of behavior from my woman, and I wouldn’t question it either way.
…just an observation…