No Gentlemen, No Sex Pictures
It’s official. Sad, but official: In the world inhabited by The Girl, there are no gentlemen, nor even any decent guys. None. Worse, she says there can’t be any. It’s just not possible, sez she. We men are all, apparently, dickheads (though she doesn’t say so in just so many words).
I’m no gentleman, but my momma tried. And she taught me that a gentleman never kisses and tells. It’s a simple extension from that simple rule: if a woman lets me take intimate photos of her, they’re obviously not for public display, unless of course she gives permission.
The Girl says I don’t exist:
If a woman has had erotic photographs taken of her by a sexual partner, these will, at some point appear on the internet — usually without her knowledge.
Just in case you missed the point, she says it again. This is not a precautionary warning; she’s not saying it’s merely likely, or arguing that the risk is too great to take the chance. She says it’s inevitable:
If you do ever break up, then at some point, those pictures will find their way onto the internet, in some shape, manner or form, I guarantee it.
Er, sorry, but no. Not unless the man is a dick. And we aren’t all. He might keep ’em after the breakup, he might even wank to ’em. But post ’em on the internet without permission? A good guy wouldn’t do that.
And there are some of us out here. I’m sorry she hasn’t met any.
Taking pictures of your lover is fun and sexy. The digital camera has been a wondrous invention, greatly facilitating this erotic hobby. And yes, trust is important. No, not all men can be trusted. But, some can. It’s not inevitable that a guy will dick you over, even after you two break up. The Girl is just flat wrong about that. Yeah, it can happen. But I’m kinda pissed she’s guaranteeing it will.
By all means, be discriminating. Breakups happen, breakups hurt, and people sometimes do all sorts of stupid/mean/ugly stuff afterwards. But not all people, and not even all men.
Why am I picking on The Girl? Well, I’m really not. But I purely hate that she’s pretty much advising all women to never allow bedroom photography, based on an ugly stereotype of men that isn’t nearly as universal as she claims it is.
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1652
Maybe the Girl needs to hang out with guys who aren’t total dicks.
Similar ethical quandry: if an ex-girlfriend turns up on [url removed] and I’m still bitter, is it OK to post a link to her personal blog? How badly does she have to have hurt me, and how intentionally, before I get to do it? Because I know nobody knows but me and the internet…
Gonzo, there are no ethical quandries there. It’s not about what you “get” to do, it’s about being a man. And a man doesn’t strike back at someone he once loved.
Maybe “The Girl” had some unflattering ones of her published? That’s why I only let him use MY camera to take the pictures. Not because I’m afraid they will end up on the internet, but because I want to make sure the editing and cropping is done to only show my best angles. I keep the originals and he gets the altered ones that I’ve approved emailed to him… even if he is a dickhead.
I am a female that has agreed to pose for photos, and I was never concerned that the photographers would ever post them without my permission. I have had them email them to me (which was fun). Lucky, ignorant? I prefer to think that it has less to do with me and more to do with the integrity of the guy I was with.
Bacchus, thank you for your response to Gonzo.
I get physically exhausted by women (or men) who have bad experiences and blame the -entirety- of a gender for them. Good on you for talking out against it, even if just online. (I’ve known men who are so completely defeated by this attitude that they don’t even bother standing up for themselves anymore.)
Our opinions are the result of our life expirience – so, everyone has his own truth. Why devide the world into black and white and exclude VARITY? By the way, this saturday watched “The Young Gods” (has a direct connection with the theme of amateur sex video etc.) by Aleksi Bardi, one of Finland’s most well-known screenwriters. Very impressive to my mind. Take your time to watch it.
Well the girl isn’t talking about pics of her that have been abused, she’s talking about pics of women that men unconsenually share with her.
The problem is, that there are so many amateur photos of women flying around the web. Do we really believe that all of them gave permission to have it shared? I’m afraid I don’t. And what’s unfortunate is on anonymous web forums, male commentators admit that they feel free to do what they want with the pics.
I hate to think that there really is that many crappy men out there, but sometimes it really seems like there is.
Yes, Bacchus you ROCK! Keep up the stimulating..
Wow, I can’t even imagine completly destroying someones trust like that. I think after a breakup I would have a discussion about what they wanted done with the pictures and if they wanted them destroyed or given back then fine. On a slightly funnier note my ex girlfriend took some, shall we say, overexposed photos of me a while back just for fun. Well I was talking to her yesterday and her new boyfriend was doing some digital maintenance on her compeuter and accidently stumbled across them and was fairly speechless. There were still pictures of me in the room so he knew exactly who’s phalace was staring him in the face. I had to laugh when she told me and all I could thik was at least he had the good sense not to open the video files.
Eve, both you and The Girl seem to be making a logical error.
Are there picturest that get mis-used and used without permission? Hell yes. Are the men who do this assholes? Hell yes again.
Does it follow from these facts that every such picture will get misued because all men are assholes? Hell no! And yet, more or less, that’s the conclusion The Girl seems to have reached, and it’s the one I am arguing against.
Well as a woman I can staunchly say that taking pictures in the bedroom (or wherever) is a rollicking whirlygig of fun.
And actually, I would be more likely to post pictures of my beaux up on the internet after a nasty break up than most men I know.
There’s a tangent sticking off this whole concept. Some people are so fucked in the head that the only people they let close to them are ones who will fuck them over. This is because of the aforementioned head-fuckedness. It means, from their practical perspective, indeed everyone they’re attracted to is horrible and wants to screw them over.
What they’re not seeing is that they are actually attracted to this. Non-asshole traits simply don’t appear on the radar of these folks.
Oh “truth is relative” is balderdash! Truth is truth. You can speak from your experience but to extrapolate that out into a universal truth isn’t accurate or fair.
Are some men dicks? Hell yes! I’ve known a lot of women whose pictures have shown up online during and after a relationship. However, in every case you could take one look at the dude and know he was capable of such asshatery.
Not every man is a cad. Some are and yes, when you let someone take nekkid pics of you, you should keep in mind who you’re exposing yourself to. And sometimes you’re wrong and the person you trusted is a prick. But not all the time.
Shrugh. I don’t buy that all men are such assholes.
Wow Bacchus….love the new template!!! WordPress IS the way….
Zak, This is very true, but at the same time I think it is possible to be stable intelligent etc, etc (Not trying to imply myself honestly) And simply end up getting snowed by someone.
It does happen.
I don’t think if it does it honestly means you’re only attracted to guys who want to screw you over unless it starts happening say every single time.
All I’m gonna say is- I’ve taken many pictures and some videos- and NOT ONCE have they gotten posted. Just don’t be a jerk; half the time, I bet they get posted because of pressure from ‘friends’.
There are good men. There are pictures taken. There are women that wonder what happen to ones taken when they were younger. And women that know they could take a hell of a much sexier picture now. And might with a lover. Good men sometimes change- and there is no right and wrong over time. Reality is that she’s not comfortable taking pictures. If she’s worried about digital pictures on the internet- have the pictures taken with old fashioned film… But I don’t think that’s the real issue. It goes more to her confort level, and things that she can’t admit. It’s wrong to say it’s always going to be because of the men though. Something she should own up to.
Bacchus, I *know* that not every picture will be abused, and not every man would do that. But I can understand why someone would lose faith when a quick look on the web suggests that the odds are so severely stacked against such privacy.
Taking pictures is a lot of fun, and its sad to think that women will miss out on the fun because of the behaviour of some arsehole. I’d suggest that they take the advice of one the girls commentors – only use your camera, the pictures are yours.
Not only are not all of us dicks, some of us are too technologically challenged to upload files. So there’s another layer of protection.
Q: How does one tell the asshats from the angels??
Point A: People marry their “one and only” and x years later the divorce is brutal, both sexes do vile things to the former “love of their life”.
Point B: It is well known that men troll craigslist W4W with ‘fake’ stolen photos of women in order to interact with women who (obviously) want nothing to do with men; as a result the ‘pic for pic’ request is usually a sure sign that a guy is trolling in the hope of getting more photos, preferably nudes from an unsuspecting stranger.
Point C: TheGirl is expressing the obvious and logical reality that a photo in someone else’s hands can and does end up places you might not appreciate, so only a fool allows photos to be taken unless they truly do not care where it will end up. Ever. (ref: Vanessa Williams, former Miss America 1984, stripped of her crown due to the publication in Penthouse of nude photos of her.)
Point D: What was fun and sexy in your youth is not necessarily something you will enjoy explaining to your children many years later. Not that one should refrain from said fun, but that the intersection between the photos and the children might occur at a difficult time and be not only embarrassing but not indicative of one’s moral values (either current or former).
My point is that it is far simpler to not indulge in photos than to try to regain ownership of them. Even your own computer can be compromised and photos stolen or seen inadvertently, so using your own camera is no safeguard.
The larger issue is that it is not possible to be ABSOLUTELY certain of another person. Love and trust are always a gamble, one willingly taken as the gains far outweigh the risks. As was clear from some posts here it is as possible that a woman will share or abuse photos as a man will. (Abuse meaning use against the subject in the photo.) Some might say men would care less about nude photos of them running around the net, but what if they appear on a gay porn site? So both men and women have something to lose.
It can be a tough question. Everyone’s choice should be respected. But … there are always asshats who will take clandestine “upskirt” photos, etc etc. What might sound like harmless fun for twenty-something guys to share becomes something different when they do it to ridicule older women or when older men do it to young girls (as happened in a student-teacher situation in my area in the past 6 months).
My bottom line is that I believe that anyone who allows someone to take photos (esp digital) of them is giving that person defacto license to use or abuse those photos in whatever way they choose. Granted they have not signed a release but that is irrelevant on the anonymous web.
All of that having been said, I for one am TRULY grateful that so many lovely and obviously willing women allow a wide, wide range of nude photos to be taken of them and shared freely. Web porn has truly changed MY life as woman, and even if I don’t want my own photos scattered about at random I am immensely happy that there are people who are so confident in their own self and sexuality that they do what I won’t. God bless them all!!
what i wouldn’t give to get my boyfriend interested in erotic photography and he’s and amatuer photographer! digital, poloroid, we have them all and he just doesn’t see me as a subject. i wish he felt the same way about past girlfriends!