Honeymoon Advice For Mormon Virgins
When writing a sex-positive blog like this, it’s easy to forget that our American culture still contains a lot of people who are not sex positive, plus a great many more whose sex-positivity, if any, is strongly cabined by an expectation that “proper” sex is a purely marital affair. All of which leads (even in this new millenium of ours) to folks who find themselves to be both ill-informed and virgin on their wedding nights. Let me present the following window into that culture, in the form of Mormon honeymoon advice (complete with a heated argument in the comments about this suggestion to ditch the special Mormon underpants):
Ditch the garments during a majority of the honeymoon. I mean, you need to do what feels right for you, but I, for one, did not feel the least bit sexy in my garments and cloistering myself in the bathroom to change into lingerie seemed to kill the passion of the moment(s). You can just look at it as 24hr foreplay.
Shorter URL for sharing: http://www.erosblog.com/?p=1681
I do adore the “I would hook up with a non-mormon/virgin friend who is around your age to give you the real lowdown” comment. Us heathens come in handy some times!
My husband had the best idea at my most nervous first times. He respected my feelings of the need of protection from my garments by talking me into putting them on backwards where the larger rear opening was now in the front. This also helped when he would spank me as it didn’t hurt so badly with the sacred cloth protecting my tender behind.
We now use a garment we modified for our intimate needs that has cut outs where my breasts are located with velcro closures. The sound of the ripping velcro when he wants access gets him excited.
I feel a little guilty and sometimes feel that I should confess to my bishop about what I am doing, but I am afraid that he wouldn’t approve and demand that I stop.
I don’t understand. Is there something in the morman religion that forbids being naked?
It never fails to amaze me the crazy things religions require.
Clothes get in the way. Play naked already.
Red, did you actually follow the link and read what’s there? Or follow the other link that shows a picture of the garments? I’m no expert on Mormon doctrine, but yes, there does indeed appear to be a religious expectation (the exact strength of which is in some dispute even among Mormons) that they will wear certain sacred garments “night and day” (again, subject to some dispute about exactly what that means).
I wouldn’t call this “crazy” – I try to be more respectful of religious faith and practice than that — but I don’t mind discussing (respectfully, when we can manage it) religious practice that impinges on sexual life, as this one, or for that matter the notion of being virgin on one’s wedding night, clearly does.
All the discussion on the web site about the need for lubrication. Reasonable enough in the absence of any foreplay. Does the Mormon religion forbid foreplay? Is pussy licking forbidden?
the mormon undergarments seriously interfer with breastfeeding, if worn all the time.
And i wondered the same thing about lubrication.
ChrisW, a wise man once said “Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetance.” Religions that successfully deliver virgins to the marriage bed generally accomplish this in large part by encouraging unmarried people to avoid all thought of sex and especially to avoid any contact with sexual media, be it pornography, erotica, or The Joy Of Sex. The result is perforce going to be widespread sexual ignorance. You don’t need to forbid something to someone who’s never heard of it, especially if they’ve had sex-negative messages hammered into them from childhood.
It’s easy to lampoon religion here, but I think this young lady was brave and intelligent to come out and ask more experienced folks for advice, especially on such a personal subject. If only more people were this honest and willing to take the iniative of learning more about sex instead of remaining ignorant about it.
Being both a avid reader of Eros Blog and once a virgin bride, I must disagree with the notion that it is a bad thing to be a virgin on your wedding night.
Even though I grew up in a religious Christian family, there was never the implication that sex was bad. We were told that sex was good, but that it should be saved for marriage. Masturbation was never discussed (which is pretty commom even among non-religious families), but I have never felt guitly about it either.
I don’t think that having sex with only one person for “as long as you both shall live” equals a dull sex life. I love having sex with my husband, we are always open to trying new things, and there is no guilt about it whatsoever.
Of course my wedding night was kind of akward, and neither of us knew for sure how to go about things… but I think it’s the same for everyone on their first time. At least we didn’t have to feel embarrassed about having no previous experience (as some of my friends told me they were), and we knew that even if it wasn’t really good the first time we’d have a life-time to improve it.
So really, stop picking on people who save it for marriage (and on the religions that promotes this). It does not mean we are against sex… it only means we value it so much we want to share it with someone really special. (In my case, it doesn’t even mean I’m against porn…).
Sure, but I thought a principal goal of theirs is to keep couples married for life. In my opinion, good oral sex skills are a vital tool to help with that goal. Has anyone here read that sex manual mentioned in their discussion “The Act of Marriage” by LaHaye? It might be interesting.
Aniria, I’m not sure if you are responding to me or to the more religion-hostile commenters, but I have been *extremely* careful not to “pick on” people who save it for marriage. I especially have *not* opined that it’s bad to be virgin on one’s wedding night. I’m not convinced it’s *good*, but I can and do respect that choice.
Nonetheless, the choice does affect (“impinge on” was the phrase I used) sexual life. And I do believe that the religious encouragement to stay a virgin often has negative consequences, one of which is needless sexual ignorance, leading sometimes to disappointment and unhappiness or worse. But these consequences could be, and sometimes are, mitigated by decent sex education or (as in your case) positive family attitudes about sex.
Let me be very clear: I’m not against religion, but I am unutterably hostile to ignorance and repression. Some religious people with an anti-sex agenda use both repression and ignorance as tools of control, in the process utterly destroying any hope of sexual happiness for young members of their faith. To that, I’m opposed.
Sorry guys, but as entertaining as it might be to think of Mormons (of which I am one) or any other devoutly religious people as sexually up-tight, it’s actually no more true than the non-religious population. Responding directly to the above:
1) When you play a sport, you wear the appropriate uniform! That means sexy stuff undies and yes, getting naked.
2) Foreplay – you bet.
3) Oral – personal choice like anyone else. My wife and I vote yes, as I assume most others do, too.
4) Breastfeeding – lift the garment like you would any other undershirt, silly!
If you want the complete skinny on what Mormons are taught about intimacy, here it is in a nutshell:
Abstinence before marriage, monogomy thereafter. Sex between husband and wife should not include activity that is degrading, unnatural, painful, or disrespectful to either party. Aside from that…have fun!
Yes there are prissy, sexually uptight Mormons, and non-Mormons I might add. Poor fools – they don’t know what they’re missing!
I have to agree with Voyager, I too am LDS (Mormon) and am getting married next year to the man I so dearly love. We both have had sex prior to each other, but are waiting for marrage to share it with each other.
I love oral and so does he. We even talk about a lot of things that I get off erosblog!!! We may not be so into threesomes and such things due to wanting a loving “monogomous” relationship, but even non-religious couples have also chosen that path… we are the same as most people out there.
I don’t think its nice to say that people are uptight just because they don’t want to have sex before marriage. To me that is just as bad as them saying that you are a slut because you do have sex before marriage. Either way you are judging someone based on something that is really none of your business.
Anonymous, nobody in this thread has used the word “uptight” in connection with opinions about premarital sex — except you. Please don’t lecture us about arguments we haven’t made. Thank you.
One of my favorite quotes:
We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H. L. Mencken
Bacchus, Yes I did follow both links and yes I did read what was there. I think voyager’s comment enlightened me. I too am quite ignorant of the mormon religion and its requirements(i.e. beliefs). Also I often make sardonic comments about religious rules especially concerning sex, yet I respect every person and their decision to believe what they will. After all, I expect to be called crazy for some of what I believe and when I am I don’t feel disrespected. I might have been saved from quite a few embarrassing moments had someone been wise enough to say something to me before…
I agree with whomever it was that commended the girl for asking. As curious as virgins can be it’s really not too surprising that more of them don’t(i.e. aren’t able to) ask the questions that will give them the answers which experiance will teach us.
As far as oral sex goes, the Mormon church did forbid it during a short period of time in the 1980s. Apparently some members had complained about what their partners were requesting. Several months later, the policy was changed after enough member complained that oral sex was part of “normal sex” for them. The policy now is sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and don’t have oral sex if your partner isn’t comfortable with it.
In comment #12, voyager stated, “Sex between husband and wife should not include activity that is degrading, unnatural, painful, or disrespectful to either party.”
I’m of the opinion that the only “unnatural” act, is that act which cannot be accomplished. Therefore, I’m curious as to which acts those would be. Perhaps the cable TV show, “Mythbusters”, should do a sex episode…
Also, what if the only way your partner can achieve orgasm, is if they are “degraded”, “disrespected” and caused to feel “pain”? … just asking…