A feller by the name of DangerSpouse wrote this hugely long comic essay on his wife’s bout with whooping cough (and other family tribulations). This man could retell the Book of Job and make it funny. Of particular interest to sex blog readers is this bit:

Back on the homefront, NewWifey(tm) was feeling better by her second day on meds. I know she was feeling better because even though she was still coughing with almost every single breath, when I walked in the door her first words to me were “Let’s fuck!”

Now, I had been spending my nights since her arrival on a futon in the room farthest from her bedroom, in an attempt to insulate myself from her WMD breath.

But…

“OK!”

Needless to say, with NewWifey(tm) coughing explosively every 4 or 5 seconds, one of her three orifices was effectively off limits unless I wanted to be blown up like a balloon through a very short valve. So that left two gaping Survivor finalists.

Decisions, decisions….

It finally came down to Face Time. As in, I didn’t want any.

So, “Bite the Pillow” it was.

AND IT WAS GREAT!

Here, let me show you:

Jam your thumb up your butt, and then cough. Hard. Repeatedly.

IS THAT AWESOME, OR WHAT?

Of course, I wasn’t using my thumb. Or own butt. Which made it EVEN BETTER.

(You were. So that makes you gay.)

Lemme tell you, the next three or four days were some of the happiest of my life.

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