Susie Bright On Rape Fantasies
I know I’ve been quoting Susie Bright a lot recently, but then, Susie always has been a woman with a lot to say. Her latest big essay grabs firmly ahold of the seeming paradox of women and their rape fantasies:
I didn’t acknowledge having perilous fantasies until I was in my twenties. In a women’s studies college course, our teacher asked us if we had experienced arousing “rape fantasies”?
One girl tearfully raised her hand and said this was true for her. My heart beat so fast it was all I could do to stay put. I was just as ashamed as she of these fantasies, but I would never have admitted them. Our professor was quite kind to her, if misinformed.
Our professor comforted the girl by saying that, as women, we had been brainwashed by the patriarchy to eroticize our subordination to men. She said these fantasies were very common, which is true, and that we could “overcome” them by exposing our fantasies to feminist analysis and by our increasing self-esteem.
She was wrong on that count. In fact, I knew she was wrong later that same night. Despite my assertive self-confidence, rock-hard feminist analysis, and weekly shift at the rape crisis hotline, I could still crawl into bed and successfully masturbate to the same disturbing fantasies that had aroused me since I was a child.
Feminism and self-esteem had no more effect on my erotic hot spots than the communion wafers I used to take every Sunday, hoping they would wash away the devil’s seed inside of me. Clearly, religion and linear politics were useless in explaining the unconscious and subversive quality of eroticism.
…
It’s normal, it’s common, to fantasize about the bizarre– the things that in real-life circumstances would trouble us, frighten us, or maybe just make us laugh. Erotic fantasies take the unbearable issues in life and turn them into orgasmic gunpowder.
…
In our fantasies, no matter how much we struggle to deny it, we control every frame. Whether we stand tall in thigh-high boots or kneel breathless on the ground, it’s a matter of our well-lubricated chosen position. We run the fuck in our minds, the exact amount of ambivalence, the perfect timing of climax. When did that ever happen in a real sexual assault?
These are just the tiniest of highlights; there’s much much more. Complete with bonus analysis of Nancy Friday’s “My Secret Garden”!
Shorter URL for sharing: https://www.erosblog.com/?p=1722
I fantasize about raping boys with strap-ons, does that count? :) yeesh, everyone should just be allowed their personal fantasy without being told theres some thing wrong with their non-vanilla ideas. that poor girl.
aolso just because the fantasy turns you on doesnt mean youre all for it happening in real life. people have a hard time drawing that line too. …not that enjoying real life is un-allowed ;)
Great piece Bacchus. I’ve had those fantasies for years and always been slightly disturbed by them. Thanks.
I think the stronger my internal feminist becomes, the more I want to be dominated and controlled. Running the show all the time just gets old.
i visit this site alot, i’ve never commented though but i had to say how glad i am to know that those fantasies are normal, now if only i could get my hubby to role play!
I think clover has a very good point, who wants to be in power all the time? In my job I’m in a position of power, people come to me for answers and help, I provide them and get a kick out of being smart and having a huge store of information in my head I can dole out. Do I also enjoy being tied down, blindfolded and pretty much helpless? Yup. Would I enjoy it if a gf fucked me with a strapon? Yup. Am I planning to have my next gf do that? Yup.
My recent ex-gf used to say “No” in bed when she meant “yes”, I told her we needed to come up with a different system. She said “No means No, but Don’t means I’m playing and you can keep going.”
If I tie my gf up and do naughty things to her, is it rape when the police respond to a neighbor’s noise complaint about the screams?
I think it’s possible these rape fantasies are evolutionarily programmed into us. Dominance and submissive behavior is common among most mammals, including humans, whether it’s during mating rituals or just to work out hierarchies among groups. And if you think about how there are tons of nerve endings in the ass making anal sex pleasurable even though it has no reproductive purpose, and how dogs and cats love it when touched right above their tail where they mount each other to assert dominance, it makes me think there is an evolutionary advantage to enjoying being submissive. There’s obviously an evolutionary advantage to being aggressive and dominant because you would be more likely to survive and pass on your genes. So it also makes sense to me that it would be evolutionarily adaptive for some people to enjoy being submissive because otherwise there would be constant warfare. So it would be to many people’s advantage to submit rather than challenge and possibly be killed. And since in our species women tend to be physically weaker, it makes sense that they might tend to enjoy being submissive more often.
I also think part of these fantasies are culturally based, because women in western society (which is largely based on Judeo-Christian values) are told that they’re not supposed to enjoy or desire sex. Judeo-Christian religions also tell us that men are insatiable and unable to control their sexual desires due to the intense sensuality of women. So I feel like our culture almost encourages rape fantasies because obviously being sexual beings, women are going to desire sex. But by secretly dreaming about a man coming on to you so strongly that your protestations are fruitless, it’s almost like you get to enjoy the act without feeling guilty for admitting and giving into your lustful desires.
As a feminist this is a tough issue for me because while many women may enjoy being submissive in a consensual relationship, it’s completely different to experience actual rape. So I don’t like the idea of encouraging sick people who might take something like this as an excuse to rape women, claiming they secretly want it.
But at the same time, I think repressing something as strong and natural as sexuality is also dangerous. Like other people have said I’ve also had these kinds of fantasies ever since I was a child, even before I developed real sexual desires, or even a clear understanding of what sex was. So I think it’s completely natural and nothing to be ashamed of, although it took me a long time to feel this way. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I was actually shaking when I first admitted my feelings out loud, long after taking feminist classes where I learned how common they are. So I feel sorry for any woman taught to repress it, because who knows what kind of emotional damage that can cause in the long run. Like Susie said, I don’t think self-esteem has anything to do with it. If anything, the more self-esteem I gain the more comfortable I feel being open about expressing my sexuality. And it seems possible that telling someone they should be able to ‘overcome’ their feelings could reduce self-esteem if they’re unable to do so and remain feeling ashamed. I think two people should be able to act out any fantasies they want if it’s done in a consensual, mutually enjoyable manner. And I agree with Clover that there’s nothing wrong with being a strong feminist but still enjoy giving up control in bed, as long as relinquishing control isn’t a theme throughout every other aspect of your life as well.
re: “…we had been brainwashed by the patriarchy to eroticize our subordination to men.”
As a heterosexually identified male, I can’t help but wonder if my arousal over the idea of being the subordinate participant in liz’s fantasy (comment #1), is the result of being brainwashed by the matriarchy, to eroticize my subordination to women (or if I should also blame this on the patriarchy)?
After all, I was largely reared by my mother (while my father was away from the home slaving for wages), and then turned over to a schooling system that was populated by a percentage of better than 9 out of 10 female teachers, who were, I’d have to say, quite controling, if not downright sadistic! At the time which I was introduced to the formal education system, these women were at least twice (if not several times) my size and height, and therefore towered over me, with a powerful and intimidating image.
At any rate, whoever is responsible, assuredly deserves my heartfelt appreciation, because I am all to happy to continually expand my repertoire of that which arouses me, particularly when it is so dependably effective.
In my experience there is an element of force (from either participant) in most sex.
Several girls have told me that they would like to be raped by their lovers.