You will perhaps need to have watched The Big Bang Theory last week to have an immediate chance at following my title joke for today’s post. Sheldon was challenged about his knowledge of Lady Gaga’s identity, and his dismissive response was “Presumably, the wife of Lord Gaga.” This will be on the test at the end of the post.

I often marvel at the failures of literacy and communication (not to mention sales acumen) that pass by on my local Facebook garage sale groups, out here in deep dark Red State Heck. For that matter, I often marvel at the items themselves that people imagine will be marketable. This past weekend I noticed a woman selling a used Epilady-branded spring epilator in a stained bag, attractively displayed on a dubious article of furniture with dark peeling veneer:

epilady depilator torturelady

What made me laugh was that she described the item as a “Lady epperly” despite the fact that the actual brand “Epilady” is spelled out on the bag in block letters half an inch tall for her to crib from. Which made me think at once “Wife of Lord Epperly, presumably.”

But the women I know who have tried an Epilady? They do not call it “Epilady”. They hate it, they fear it, they remember it with horror and dread. They recall their experiments with it with regret. And they call it “Torture Lady”. Wife, presumably, of Lord Torture. The only reason they would even think of buying this woman’s used ten-dollar “Lady epperly” would be so that they could burn it ceremonially at a fire under a full moon in a grove of trees at the equinox, in support of all women everywhere.

And that is how I amuse myself on local Facebook garage sale sites of a Saturday morning. Now you know.

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