I learned decades ago that it’s rude to express a preference on the elaborate body-modification rituals of women. No matter how much they protest and exclaim to the contrary, they aren’t ripping out their eyebrows or supergluing on fake eyelashes or removing millions of invisible hairs to satisfy the beauty preferences of mere men. Our opinions are not just irrelevant, they are actively unwelcome, and are best kept firmly inside our teeth. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have any such opinions. When it comes to long, ornate, and elaborate nails (quietly and privately thought of as “talons”) I’ve never met even one man who likes them, or enjoys the practiced helplessness of women who wear them:

As our man KC BlueEyes puts it so cogently, “there are two kinds of women in this world: those with a clean butt, and those with a dirty butt.”

I do need to amend my statement, however. The women who so elaborately languish in their chosen helplessness (“Oh! I couldn’t possibly; I’d break a nail!”) are preferred by some few men because their very helplessness is a status symbol for the men. “Look at me, I’m so rich, I can afford to support this useless ornament.”

My negative attitudes here are class-based for sure; my origins are blue-collar poverty, and “work” for men and women alike has always meant dirty hands in my world. I am intellectually aware that people with elaborate nails can still work a keyboard and be white-collar successful beyond my own wildest dreams of avarice. Just one of many good reasons to keep my opinion to myself. Nonetheless, and notwithstanding Japanese smart toilets or European bidets, it’s like the man says: clean butt, dirty butt. Two kinds of people.

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