Hokay, so this post is about an honest-to-goodness porn site. Boys gone wild, if you like — adapting power tools to their highest and best use. That’s right, me hearties: we present Fucking Machines.

If you follow that link (no popups, which is generally a good sign in a porn site) and then click on “Machines” you’ll be presented with an amusing list of fucking machines:

The Intruder
The Monster
The Fucksall
The Crane
The Sybian
The Trespasser
The Probe
The Jetaime
The Double Jetaime
The Loving Chair
The Hammer
The Drilldo
The Double Crane
The Goat Milker
The Tit Sucker

The Snake
The Portafuck
The Cathedral
The Toolbox
The Crystal Palace

The Antique Intruder
The Twinserter
The Airstorm
The Lighthouse
The Concrete Vibrator
The Fucking Chair
The Predator
The Reactor

Complete with horsepower ratings.

But of course any dweeb in his basement can glue a dildo to a power tool and claim it’s a sex toy. Where the rubber meets the, er, road, however, is actually using them for sex, or at least a well-photographed facsimile thereof. And that’s what makes this a porn site. Lots and lots of good looking models playing with these toys and managing to look like they are having fun doing it.

And finally, for the guys out there who think such fine machinery is wasted on women, there is a sister site (brother site?) called, with all the subtlety of a brick: Butt Machine Boys. This may be the true target market for these ambitiously mechanical porn purveyors. After all, why let the girls play with the cool toys and spoil all that raw male power tool fun?

The Wired Man asks “What is it about women and horses?”

A hard question to answer, although these comments have previously appeared in this space.

Apologies to the person who came to ErosBlog looking for a “gallery of mysterious erotic female spiritual companions“. We are fresh out.

Alas we have no “japanese stamping lubricants” either.

Daniel Radosh calls this line from the ancient testimony against Roman Polanski “heartbreaking”, and if the 13-year-old girl in question actually said this Daniel is right: “And then he went down and he started performing cuddliness.”

But what if it was a transcription error? That would be damned funny, as long as we are all clear we are laughing at the official court reporter who, in 1977, might conceivably have been a bit challenged when transcribing naughty Latin words.

Reuters reports that “O” Magazine (“The Art, the Fashion, The Fantasy”) has lost its lawsuit against Oprah, who “borrowed” the name for her magazine.

[The judge] said readers could not confuse Brockmeyer’s magazine containing photos of “whip-bearing, naked women engaged in sadomasochistic and lesbian acts” with Winfrey’s publication aimed at helping women improve their lives guided by the performer’s values.
…
“No ordinary prudent reader would view the contents of the magazines as similar and no reasonable reader seeking the contents of one magazine would turn to the other,” he said.

Playboy watch out! By this logic, the Boy Scouts of America could rename “Boy’s Life“, call it “Playboy”, and sell it with impunity.

Sex on Tuesday is running a list of 40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women. Among the less obvious of these (at least, less obvious to this reporter) are:

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid`s toy.
…
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

If women genuinely care about the order in which clothing is removed before sex, it’s just more proof (as if any more were needed) that they are an alien species that is just visiting us to “borrow” genetic material.

Update:The Wired Man has a point-by-point response to these fifty mistakes. Apropos #12 above:

Nonsense. You only think you look stupid because you can’t see yourselves as we see you. Women tangled in their clothes are indescribably cute. If you knew the effect it has on us, you’d do it every time.

What really looks stupid is a mostly-dressed woman saying “zip me?” It goes against everything we hold dear to help you put clothes on.

Here’s a website (deleted from Geocities long before it died and apparently never archived: http://www.geocities.com/womenagainstbjs/ ) with a mission statement: “To provide support and a resource of helpful information to women who wish to stop giving blowjobs.”

It’s possible that this is a joke. There’s nothing specific on the page to indicate parody, satire, or overt humorous intent, but for some internet jokesters the humor lies in being taken seriously.

How seriously are we talking? The first tip for women against blowjobs is:

The next time your partner asks for a blowjob try this: kneel down as if you are going to give head and then say “Did I ever tell you that my last boyfriend nicknamed me ‘teeth’ after I gave him a blowjob?”

If the page is real, it’s rather sad. Not so much that there are women who don’t like giving blowjobs: that’s hardly news, and anyway de gustibus non disputandem. What’s sad is to think of someone who needs, or even wants, a support group to help in exercising one of the most basic aspects of individual autonomy – the right to say no.

On a lighter note, if the author of this page is for real, it’s possible she won’t think this is funny.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Forensic Photoarcheology, Vintage Blowjob Edition
• Three Studies Of Fellatio
• Oral Sex Is Standard Equipment
• Dworkin on Blowjobs