The top seven signs your grandparents remain sexually active:

7. At night they put their teeth in the same glass.

6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

5. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

4. Grandma is found cuffed to her walker.

3. Grandma regularly bakes Viagra-chip cookies.

2. Grandma frequently looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

And the number one sign your grandparents remain sexually active is:

1. Their Kraft-matic adjustable bed is set for “doggy style.”

Another circulating email thing, guy unknown, let’s just call him Biggus Dickus. (“He has a wife you know….”)

Ladies, I know we generally focus a little too much here at ErosBlog on things of amusement to the gentlemen of default wiring. Please consider this a modest token in the nature of restitution.

Here’s a spiffy little educational article on “How to Give a Blowjob”, complete with illustrations by Phoebe Gloeckner that manage to be cute and sexy at the same time:

One suspects that nothing taught in high school sex education classes is anything like as useful.

For ideological as well as practical reasons, ErosBlog has no warning page or other mechanism to warn off or usher away underage surfers. However, very little that passes here amounts to useful sex information for those in need of same. Accordingly, the new link at left to Scarleteen (“Sex Education For The Real World”) is long overdue. The site is, simply, awesome. It beats the hell out of getting all your sex information from Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex, just as that venerable tome was a considerable improvement over those laughable “Health Information For Young Couples” books of a century ago.

Norma Brown has invented a “Female Security Device”:

The Female Security Device is designed to defend and protect a woman against rape. It is placed within the vaginal cavity of a female to protect and minimize physical damage caused by sexual intercourse. The device is able to retrieve evidence of rape and provide evidence for identifying a perpetrator. This is done by using a needle to to obtain a penile tissue sample and to cause penile tissue irritation, and by obtaining a semen sample.

From the pictures, it appears that instead of the needle, you can get it with a superglue option or an airbag option. Not making this up. The function of the airbag is labeled on the diagram (“deployed as barrier to penetration”) but the “surgical glue spray” option seems as if it would be counterproductive.

Bacchus is an absolutist when it comes to a person’s right to control what enters his or her orifices, by whatever means necessary. (Large caliber handguns are quite effective for this purpose.) Unfortunately, the proposed “Female Security Device” puts one in mind of a man who stays locked in his own concrete basement to avoid the risk of kidnappers. Would not a woman who routinely used such a device be, in a metaphorical sort of way, preemptively raping herself?

Do you like thongs?

So, Bacchus was awakened early on Christmas morning. This was unexpected, as Bacchus has no children. Still, there was a tugging at Bacchus’s…well, let’s just say there was a tugging.

“Bacchus! Bacchus! Wake up! It’s time to unwrap your present!”

“Present? I already unwrapped my presents last night.”

“Well, if you don’t want to….” [much pouting]

And that is the tale of how Bacchus did not wake up on Christmas morning. Ah, well, so much for fantasyland.