This tale of a snappy comeback was posted on an adult webmaster board by the famous Persian Kitty:

This was in the Washington Post… the title of the article was “Best Comeback Line Ever.”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ “He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?'”

Of course, it’s an urban legend. But still funny.

“Merry Christmas to All, and To All, a Good Night!”

Hungry?

It’s a poster by Sharon Leong.

Alert readers will have noticed the recent appearance on the sex blog list of Pornblography, a fun new blog [since gone defunct] that’s all about the movers and shakers in the porn biz. Frankly, to an outsider it’s just a bit bewildering — these people are not most of them household names, although they will be familiar in some cases to heavy porn consumers and regular readers of Adult Video News, the New York Times of the adult entertainment industry. But it’s a delightful and eye-opening read all the same. Do you know what a suitcase pimp is? Nope, neither did your humble scribe. It turns out:

A “Suitcase Pimp” is the industry term for any boyfriend or husband of a porn chick. They are often, but not always, jobless….

Suitcase Pimps can usually be seen carrying the bags of the actresses when they arrive on a set (hence the term Suitcase), and they are often to be found on the cell phone handling the business affairs of the girls (i.e. “pimping” them out to whichever producer will pay the most money for a scene). This activity takes place much to the consternation of various film producers and directors, who would MUCH rather deal with the porno chicks themselves, for various reasons.

Carly, who writes Pornblography, also has great taste, having averred that ErosBlog “fucking rocks”. Thanks Carly!

Ok, here’s one for all you ladies who were horsey girls when you were little, and never quite got over it. You know who you are: the girl who ate, slept, breathed, and dreamed horses, and filled her room with plastic ones if she couldn’t talk Daddy into paying for riding lessons. If you had a horse, you loved him more than life itself — and in your more heated private moments, you imagined, at least, riding him through the tall grasses, birds singing, clothing conveniently forgotten back at the stables, his warm heaving steaming flanks pressed firmly between your girlish thighs… et cetera. It seems to be a girl thing; every third twelve year old girl seems remarkably, even inexplicably, fond of horses, but rare indeed is the preteen boy who loves him his horsies quite that much (although, to be fair, stranger things have percolated up from the muck in the back pages of the search engines).

For all their manifest virtues, a horse is alas still just a horse. But a centaur, wouldn’t he be special? He could give you rides in the wildflower meadows and buy you diamonds too, and tinker on classic cars in the garage on weekends and live happily ever after. Pity they are mythical. But, a few photoshop artifacts aside, here’s what one (a very buff one) might look like:

Enjoy.

Someone much smarter than Bacchus will have to evaluate this resource and report back. There’s a page here advertising “Lesbian GNU/Linux” — a pretty obvious parody of the Debian package, right down to the photoshopped logo. However, the apparent actual purpose of the page (which purpose is only apparent, and not certain, because when linux types make jokes it’s not unheard of for the rest of us mere mortals to miss the point) is this bit: “It comes with a superior package management system called porn-get…”. Which is followed by several tarballs (furballs? salty balls? Something like that, anyway) and man pages and similar related penguin-head paraphernalia, all of which looks pretty authentic even if it does contain oddities like the following:

        (__) 
        (oo) 
  /------\/ 
 / |    ||   *  /\---/\ 
   ~~   ~~   
...."Have you mooed today?"...

The interesting thing is that there does appear to be some sort of functional software for obtaining porn (a linux pornograph?) buried in here…because this artifact was revealed by the discovery in the ErosBlog log files of the following unique user agent ID: (www.linuks.mine.nu/porn-get).

Are there any penguin-heads out there who can tell us what this software does, and whether it is any good?

Via Daze Reader a link to the very secret diaries of characters from The Lord of the Ring. Slash tropes, but tastefully done and funny as heck:

Diary of Peregrine Took, DAY NINE :

Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.

Later that night

Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?

Apparently not.

V. educational, all the same.

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