Classic bondage porn from the days of the line printer! Hogtied slave girl rendered entirely in parentheses, asterisks, and the odd backslash! Real geek nostalgia!

UPDATE: You thought that was fun? OK, here’s a fetish girl wearing a gas mask and leather bondage harness. ASCII porn? Who knew?

“Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch at it.”

–attributed to British conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, speaking to a lady cellist

This cunning slander brought to you courtesy of The Safety Valve.

It is rapidly becoming the custom of this blog to break up the bleak peach (or whatever color this background actually is — Bacchus thinks “goes with” is a female conspiracy to keep men in vilest subjugation) with gratuitous nekkid artwork every so often. So, without further ado, herewith a nymph with a minor bondage problem who bids fair to become monster snacks in the next panel:

Via Usenet.

From Japan we have a discussion of the three most popular types of dirty comic books for women:

And most of the women’s carnal needs that extend beyond the bounds of regular publication respectability are being sated by what are referred to as Ladies Comics, or redikomi, as they’re known in Japanese. Apparently, there’re three broad genre of redikomi.

“Firstly, you have your rape types. These aren’t like guys comics, where the woman is brutally violated. Usually they involve a story where a woman is caught up in some situation where somebody is virtually forced to rape her. Following that are the S&M stories. Again, they lack the violence of men’s S&M comics, and usually focus only on soft stuff, like blindfolding or binding the hands,” the editor in chief of “Love Experiences Special Deluxe,” a redikomi, tells Shukan Taishu. “Finally, you have the incest types. These are either loved or hated, but they often tell the story of a married woman falling for stepbrothers or brothers-in-law.”

This is almost too good to be true. “Saudi Arabia’s First English Daily” takes on your tough Muslim sex questions, and wrestles them to the mattress. Is Allah down with hot Islamic anal sex? Well, it turns out that Mohammed himself has weighed in on this weighty question. Doggy style is fine, but keep it procreative please:

A man came to the Prophet and asked him whether it was permissible to have sex with his wife from behind. The Prophet answered in the affirmative. As the man was on his way out, the Prophet called him back and said: “Consider what I have said: from behind, but in the front.”

Thanks to The Fly Bottle for the link!

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• Tortured By Vice Girls In Guantanamo

…so let’s go back to my flat and spread the word.

Sorry. Really. Apparently those horny Brits have invented new lows in the bad pickup lines game. Here’s another:

“How do you like your eggs in the morning – fertilised?”

Kids, don’t try this at home. You will be slapped, and die a virgin.

Here’s a long article on kissing from South Africa. Now, articles on kissing are like “how to pick up girls” books — they are everywhere and they all repeat the same six stale chunks of received wisdom that are necessary to getting the job done but not sufficient to really teach anything useful. This one, at least, offers up some suggestions (for better or for worse) that aren’t on that tired old standard list:

Use each other’s mouths to recreate the motions of sex, with lots of thrusting. It can be especially stimulating if the woman’s the one doing the thrusting, as this reverses the roles of intercourse. She inserts her tongue between his loosely closed lips and slides it in and out. To enjoy this technique to its best effect, try it when you’re actually in the missionary position.