There’s a family legend that a great-grandfather of mine relocated his family from Pennsylvania to California during the snowy month of January in a pair of brand new 1926 Hudson automobiles. And what a long cold drive that must have been!

Supposedly, he made a snap decision to move after listening to the radio announcers describing the warm California weather during the Rose Bowl parade. Or, at least that’s what he told his young daughter; you’ve got to figure he had a better reason to get out of town in a hurry. But let’s take the story as a parable for the inspirational power of warm weather on a cold winter’s day, and let that be the theme of this year’s Merry Christmas message:

Here’s hoping the big Christmas snowstorm of 2009 hasn’t messed up your holiday plans. If you’re shoveling snow today, try to keep in a Hawaii frame of mind. And Merry Christmas to all!

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• Ring A Christmas Bell
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• Enjoy Your Toys

I wish somebody had told me this sometime during puberty:

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

I always thought A&W was in the root beer and burger business, but apparently I was wrong:

I like the amazingly precise instructions, too. Don’t just come in them, make sure you enjoy them while you’re at it!

Image from here.

This sets off all my “is probably an internet hoax” filters. But it’s funny even if it’s not true:

When a man in the UK was asked to be the best man at his friend’s wedding, he was touched. So touched, that he promised not to pull any pranks before or during the wedding. After the wedding though, that’s another story.

This man, who is choosing to stay anonymous, has set up this Twitter account for the sole purpose of automatically tweeting when the newlyweds are having sex. I’m not kidding. Read the entire tweet stream from the bottom up if you want the full story. But basically, this guy was watching his friend’s house while they went on their honeymoon and he placed a device under their mattress. This device…is a pressure-sensitive pad that tweets out when sexual activity starts, when it ends, the force of the “action,” and a “frenzy” rating.

High tech voyeurism! And not the last such device we’ll be hearing about, I’m sure…

Evil Santa has more fun than Nice Santa, I do believe:

There I was, trying to create myself a nice Christmas elf using 3D SexVilla for a post to be published (maybe, if it comes out right) next week. But I just couldn’t get her to make the facial expressions I was looking for. The character editor has many undocumented options and although the level of control is amazing, getting the precise “look” you want is not always easy. And meanwhile, while I tinkered, my elf-girl kept repeating “PLAY with me!” over and over, in a most demanding fashion. A jolly elf, she is not:

So, I got frustrated and added a ball gag. Blissful silence! Plus, no more snotty expression:

Note: To a sharply limited extent, this ball gag trick also works in real life. (Your mileage may vary.)

I do regret that the official 3D SexVilla gag, like early Ford automobiles, is available only in black. No festive Christmas colors!

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For reasons extraneous, I wanted to post a cute puppy girl picture here. I typed “doggie girl” into Google.

This was…injudicious.

Don’t panic; I found a very nice girl on a leash. You can’t give puppies as Christmas presents in most cases; it’s not fair to the puppy or the recipient. And you can’t usually give puppy girls, either — those pesky anti-slavery laws and all. But given a choice as to which one I’d rather find in my Jacuzzi on Christmas morning? Yeah:

Source: the Christmas Porn tumblr.

So, why was my search injudicious?

Well, to be blunt about it, “doggie” is not the neutral search term you might think it is. Plus, it turns out there are some women out there who are more intimate with “doggie” than I was really wanting to see right then. Both of which I could have predicted if my brain had stayed one step ahead of my Google fingers.

What I could not have predicted: The Veterinarian. Ulp!

And right in the middle of the whole damned train wreck, I found this poor nude woman who has suffered the indignity of having her torso unnaturally extended. Unless the Spanish Inquisition has revived the rack, I must assume she’s been most brutally Photoshopped:

Note to self: Next time, coffee first, then Google Image Search.