There’s a recurring meme on social media where a pretty young woman riffs on the invisibly-narrow distinction between “I’m sorry, Daddy, I’ve been naughty” and “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Queue the facepalming priests and/or daddy doms. It’s funny because it’s true, you know?
Meanwhile I was paging through the men’s magazines of my grandfather’s era (as one does) when I found an “I’m sure it seemed funny at the time” two page humor spread spotlighting another fine line I didn’t even know existed. I’m talking about the cultural linkage connecting pre-sexual-revolution sugar daddies to the BDSM-adjacent age-playing daddies and daddy-doms of today.
Sugar daddies and their sugar babies have been with us for a very long time, but it always struck me as being a cutesy name for a common category of light sex work, what we might these days call “compensated dating.” It never once crossed my mind that old-fashioned sugar-daddying was in any sense also a fetish and roleplay category. Even though the notion of the sugar daddy is more than 100 years old, and “babe” is a routine term of endearment in these modern times, I’d never much encountered the infantilizing vocabularies used by modern age-players (littles and middles and so forth) applied to the women of yore who sought sugar daddies and then kept them entertained.
Did you think the people of 100 years ago weren’t every bit as kinky and twisted as we are? I keep getting my nose rubbed in it, without ever quite learning the lesson. But that’s an entirely different (and worse-smelling) fetish, quite beyond the current scope.
The Care And Feeding Of Babes: Complete Guide For The Perplexed Sugar Daddy With A Problem Baby
HOW’S BABY, JOE? Is she getting to be a problem?
Reaching the age when she’s hard to manage? Refuses to eat her spinach, but not the filet mignon? Are you perplexed about telling her there is no Santa Claus? Then this is just the article for you. Here you will find a scientific, practical guide to training baby, her emotional problems, what to do when she cries, dietary do’s and dont’s, properplay and diversions, how to get obedience — in fact everything a sugar daddy needs to know to bring up a healthy, happy, bouncing babe.
First, a reminder of what you already know, that there are bound to be days when baby is going to exasperate you with her demands, when her crying and screaming gets on your nerves and your patience is wearing dangerously thin. Then the thing to do is get a good hold on yourself, not baby, and remember that she is just a child and will soon be laughing and cooing again.
BABY’S FIRST STEPS: It’s generally advisable to teach her to walk at once. It saves a lot of taxi bills. Walks in the park are an inexpensive and healthy form of exercise. Walking helps to give baby strong, well shaped legs, a consideration you naturally do not want to neglect.
STROLLERS, CARRIAGES, ETC.: Of course baby cannot be expected to walk everywhere and you will need some kind of carriage for her when her little feet begin to lag. Unfortunately this necessary equipment is expensive, ranging from about $2,000 for a Jeepster-type carriage up to $ 15,000 for the Cadillac convertible with leopard skin upholstery. A good fox tail for the radiator cap to dazzle baby’s eyes can be bought for about $50. But this type of conveyance for airing your charge is so indispensable that most authorities call it a “must,” even if you have to pick up a second-hand job at the “Smiling Irishman’s.”
TEMPER TANTRUMS: These are bound to happen and must be met with calmness and firmness, not the old-fashioned hairbrush. If they occur at home and persist with undue intensity, a bucket of cold water will usually stop them. Or you can retire to the roof until they subside. Public demonstrations of childish anger are not so easily dealt with, however. When baby lies down in the middle of the sidewalk, kicking and screaming, it’s probably better to give in to her and buy the damned hat.
PLAYPENS: Any sturdy, well-built night club will do. They come in various sizes and prices to fit your purse and preference. Baby will be happy in any.
ANSWERING QUESTIONS: Almost from the start you will notice the amazing phenomenon of growing curiosity. Where were you last night? How much do you have in the bank? How did that blonde hair get on your shoulder? Baby’s desire to know about things has no limits. Her inquiring little mind will conjure up questions faster than you can think up evasive answers. Of course you don’t want to stifle her curiosity about you with impatient and irritable replies, but on the other hand you can’t afford to expose her tender feelings to the brutal facts which, in turn, expose you. That’s why the Little White Lie was invented. Also the Big Black One.
This subject brings up the matter of Santa Claus. Should you tell baby there is none, that you’ll buy her an occasional Tootsie Roll, but as far as coming around with a sack of loot over your back, the white-whisker business is definitely out? Well, you can try it, though the shock of it may make baby run away from home. In which case, of course, you can always adopt another.
TOYS AND PLAYTHINGS: If, however, you have a billion in bullion, you may enjoy spoiling baby with lots of toys. Bright objects like diamonds and rubies set in platinum always fetch coos and gurgles and a shiny emerald bracelet is guaranteed to put a wonderful smile on Baby-face.
CLOTHING: Warmth and comfort are all-important. Mink, sable and ermine are excellent protection from cold winds and draughts, if you can afford them. Mouton serves the purpose too, but somehow it doesn’t seem to warm baby quite as well.
Footgear is also a problem. It’s amazing how fast they can wear their shoes out. An aid in providing sufficient foot gear is a pair of small white cubes called dice and can be procured at your nearest five-and-ten. These cubes are rolled on the floor. At the same time the roller snaps his fingers and chants, “Come seven, come eleven, baby needs new shoes!” In this way she either gets her shoes or you lose your shirt.
DIET: Go easy on fattening starches and sweets unless, of course, she is underweight. Otherwise plenty of proteins like hot dogs and hamburgers — if she’s a budget baby — and lots of vegetables like raw cabbage, cole slaw and carrots. Should her appetite grow listless from this diet, throw her an occasional fish.
CRYING: Flowers, a little gift, stops this immediately. Also coming home sober for a change.
GAMES, DIVERSIONS: On rainy days when she can’t go out to play, the game of Post Office is a wonderful diversion and one that you can enjoy as well. For outdoor sport, splashing in the kiddies’ pool is fun. If you play golf you can have her carry your clubs. It saves caddy fees and, while of course that isn’t important, at the same time gives her healthy exercise. Also, while she keeps her eye on the ball, you can keep your eye on her.
BRIGHT SAYINGS: Don’t look for these, but if she surprises you with one, send it in.
TEACHING BABY TO SAY BYE-BYE: This can be very difficult. Sometimes they don’t want to say bye-bye. Plenty of baby talk — but not that. Perish forbid, but maybe she says, “Does big sugar-daddy wuv wittle me?” — but no “Bye-bye.” If all else fails, a one-way ticket to Timbuctoo will do it.
I hope this little guide for bringing up baby has helped you, Joe. The responsibilities are great, but they sure are worth it, what?
