I can totally relate to hating being alone. I get missing the comfort of a lover’s touch.

But I do not at all get this:

Is it just me, or is this a Frankenstein-meets-Muppets mashup that’s gone horribly wrong? “Horribly wrong” as in, “Where are the man-bits, dammit?”

But if you’re into that kind of thing, you can buy one of these things here.

I’ve blogged before about the peculiar phenomenon of women who melt down and throw a tie rod end when they “catch” their men enjoying pornography. Commenter Alana over at Pretty Dumb Things shares an anecdote that summarizes the matter very nicely:

I had a semi-friend in graduate school who happened upon her husband jerking off to Internet porn, a girl’s webcam or something. Don’t remember the specifics just know this friend found him out and became completely upset. She told me she was offended he’d jack off to Internet porn.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asked me.

“You didn’t join him,” I said.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Competing With Porn

Violet Blue threatens:

If I have to sit through another body-by-Barbie production where the chicks’ boobs look like those Alien face-huggers about to burst out and kill me…

She’s not just making that up, it’s a real risk, and not just in bad porn movies. Don’t believe me? I have proof:

We’re on the road today, but of course I “let” The Nymph make our hotel reservations. It’s a funny thing, wherever we go, when The Nymph makes the reservations it always turns out that the only room they have left is the jacuzzi suite. Isn’t that a unique coincidence?

So tonight this will be us. Only, with less beer. And six fewer people.

Remember that old calypso song, Zombie Jamboree?

One female zombie wouldn’t behave;
She say she want me for a slave.
In the one hand she’s holding a quart of wine,
In the other she’s pointin’ that she’ll be mine.
Now believe me folks, yes I had to run;
Husband of a zombie ain’t no fun.
I says “Oh, no my turtle dove
an old bag of bones I cannot love!”

What a good game!
Back to back, belly to belly
Well I don’t give a damn
’cause it doesn’t matter really;
Back to back, belly to belly
At the Zombie Jamboree!

Back to back, belly to belly, I guess it looks something like that at the zombie orgy. Is this what comes after the jamboree?

Bigger version here. What a good game!

Old postcard nudes are a favorite of mine, but this one from Rare Erotica is just about the prettiest I’ve ever seen:

From the notorious gaming blog Kill Ten Rats comes some dating advice in terms that gamers will understand:

If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you are a single, introverted, heterosexual male. As a public service, we are pleased to present some advice for gamers on Getting the Girl. You can get lots of dating advice out there, much of it conflicting, but you come to Kill Ten Rats because you know you can trust us. Also, we are tired of hearing you whine in guildchat about how you cannot get a date.

…

Let’s talk equipment. You will not be wearing anything on your shoulders, nor a cape, nor a tabard. Leave the sword at home, too, no matter how cool it looks. While some people can successfully combine mix-and-match armor, you will just end up hideous and ineffective. If your closet is full of t-shirts from anime and They Might Be Giants, we have a problem. Luckily, there are many shopkeepers who can help you get equipment with the right bonuses.

If you need to read this, let us assume that you have little idea about fashion. Conveniently, shopkeepers are quite happy to sell you entire outfits at once. They even arrange them on headless mannequins around the store. Pick your level of formality and buy three. You are just starting out here, so do not trust your intuition on what goes with what; follow the template exactly until you get more experience. This is like when you tell the new guy at the raid to shut up and do what he is told; unless you can solo this raid, take the advice of the corporate shills, since they have spent thousands of hours working on this stuff.

If you are in doubt, ask a female who works at the store for a recommendation. Your future girlfriend/wife will be telling you how to dress for the rest of your life anyway, so start getting used to it now. Do not be embarrassed about asking for help; that is her job, she may be on commission, and who knows she may think it is cute that you are admitting vulnerability and asking for help. No, don’t hit on her. If necessary, write down which garments go together, especially if you want to try these slacks with that shirt.

This may cost a fair number of gold pieces. Luckily, you will not be out-leveling your IRL clothing anytime soon unless you are eating too much. This brings us to our next point: buffing.