Slash fiction isn’t usually much on the menu around here. But in keeping with the theme from Sunday, I can’t resist posting this little gem involving the practical jokes of elves. Herewith: What to Do with a Tied Up Marchwarden by Khylaren and Larien Elengasse:

The proud marchwarden of Lothl?rien was nude and trussed neatly like a wild turkey, left for the seneschal of Rivendell to find.

“Well,” he drawled softly, crouching down next to Haldir. “Someone left me a wee gift.” He grinned inwardly as he saw the Marchwarden stiffen at the insult. There was nothing small about the L?rien Elf, and Glorfindel knew it. Broad shouldered and slim hipped; the other warrior was easily as tall as the Vanya.

Haldir’s eyes narrowed above the gag that prevented him from speaking, but his expression was plainly read; this was not his idea.
…
His perfect lips pursed slightly as he considered his options. Ravishment? No, he did not think that would do at all, for Haldir did not seem to be the type to be ravished. Seduction? Ah, yes, that was the answer. It was the key to unlocking the chains of composure that bound Haldir so tightly. The question was, how to seduce such a creature, and make him give into the need he so obviously suffered from? And to make him delight in giving in to it.

Haldir turned his head to the side, studying the shadowed profile of the Elf lying next to him, wondering if Glorfindel had fallen into reverie. He was embarrassed, humiliated, and angry at the seneschal’s treatment of him; swatting his behind like a naughty Elfling! And then leaving him this way, trussed up with nowhere to go, and nothing to do but feel the delicious ache of desire that had build steadily within him. He closed his eyes in frustration, and felt the mattress dip slightly as Glorfindel rolled to face him.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• What's with this gay hobbits meme anyway?
• Finally The Elf Women Get In On The Act
• I'll Never Look At Carrots The Same Way Again

OK, this is pretty funny: Technical Virgin. They say:

But there is a way for youths to enjoy rich and satisfying sexual intimacy without risking unwanted pregnancy ANAL SEX! The anus, tighter than any vagina and tinged with the thrill of the taboo, is the perfect venue for modern teen lust.

Of course, the safest way for teens to avoid unwanted pregnancy while satisfying their carnal needs is to limit themselves to homoerotic encounters until they are ready for procreation. But many boys and girls are uncomfortable with the idea of same-sex encounters. Anal sex, however, can be fun for both sexes, and thanks to modern improvements in strap-on sex tools, girls can enjoy being in control of their own anal encounters.

So, teens, the next time you strip down for sex, remember the TechnicalVirgin motto “Everything Butt!”

A fine parody of the ridiculous “abstain from sex for the ten or twenty years between sexual maturity and the time you get married” message that’s being flogged as an alternative to sex education these days.

Her Christmas present arrived yesterday. Now to get it wrapped and mailed.

Things are still going very well. The tally of hours spent on the phone would horrify you, but it just makes me smile.

The Nymph has a coworker who has been complicating the business of setting an exact date for the Nymph’s January visit. That does not make me smile. If it keeps up, we are going to have to arrange something like this for the coworker. Little she knows her peril!

Here’s another of those strange images that haunt my hard drive:

Puzzling as this picture is, it gets real odd if you think too hard about it. Why, for instance, does the box appear to be insulated / soundproofed?

If you’re bored and have mad photoshop skillz and you just don’t find your normal woman animalistic enough, you can always morph her into a critter. I hear you asking “why?” but I can’t possibly help you there.

Me, I wonder how many of the gallery examples have the faces of the artists’ ex-girlfriends.

VodkaPundit doesn’t mince words. He likes sex:

And not just doing it, either. I like pretty pictures of pretty girls in (and out of) pretty clothes. I like the little whiff of sex you get from perfectly innocent flirtation. I like teasing emails from my bride. I like songs about sex. I like getting reminded of sex I’ll never have again, when I walk past the counter of some long-forgotten perfume at the department store. Even better, I like the promise of the sex I’ll be having later this week, when I walk by the counter that sells Melissa’s perfume. I like those random sex thoughts that pop into my head when I’m trying to get some work done.

I like sex as a married man, and I liked sex with women whose last names I wasn’t entirely clear on, and I liked all the sex in-between. I like to make love, and sometimes I just like to fuck. I like sex jokes and sex talk and sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.
…
And I love women. Girls. Babes. Broads, chicks, skirts, fillies, whatever. I’m a leg man, an ass man, and a breast man. I love that line that runs from just behind her earlobe to just off the center of her collarbone. I love the small of her back and the inside of her wrist and the palm of her hand. Ankles, backs of knees, insides of thighs. Short hair, long hair, curly hair, or straight. The little hairs on her arms that stand up when you touch her just right. And the scents! There’s not a place a clean woman doesn’t smell good (and a healthy, sweaty woman doesn’t smell better) and no two places on no two women smell quite the same. Or even on the same woman. Variety is the spice of life, and endless variety can be found in just one person if you know how to look.

Preach it, Brother Stephen!

This picture is funny for the expressions on their faces: