Here’s a recommendation for consumer electronics manufacturers, in the guise of a haiku from deep in the archives at Girls In the Bag:

cute little cell phone
if you vibrated stronger
they would sell more phones.

Here’s an amusing anecdote about one of the reasons young ladies sometimes make out with each other:

One evening my closest school friend and I were ineffectively trying to get these two guys to come drink with us. They, being Amherst Men, could not drag themselves away from their dip and Nintendo. The night had already involved some girl-on-girl action and we suddenly hatched a foolproof scheme to get the boys to play with us. After we made out in their doorway
for mere moments they were turning off the TV and running to the bathroom to spit out their plugs. I still don’t know what they thought was in store for them, but we got what we wanted: the four of us playing Go Fish, drinking beers late into the night. This story highlights one of the most common reasons straight girls kiss other girls: to get men’s attention.

Amherst men? Figures. Ladies, unless things have changed in the last ten or fifteen years, I’m sure you’d be much happier with some Ephs.

The folks at Eros Boutique have a blog now. Mostly they are flogging their goodies (hmm, sounds like fun) but they do have some funny stories from the sex toy selling biz. Like this one:

This guy calls up, asking if we sell extra keys for the CB3000. (*for those of you unfamiliar with the CB3000, its the cream of the crop in male chastity devices. Pyrex. Padlock. If you’re a guy who wants to lock your cock up, this is the way to go.)

But I digress…
…
So “mike” calls.

Do we sell extra keys.

So Lucy tells him we don’t have any extra keys in stock, but he might want to call the CB3000 people and see what the deal is. “But,” she asks, “doesn’t the CB3000 come with 2 extra keys? What happened to them?”

So Mike says:

“You see, the woman who put this device on me isn’t my wife, and now she’s out of town for a few days, and I just don’t find it funny anymore.”

“Oh.” Lucy says. “Well, sir, that’s what you get for letting a strange woman put something on your penis.”

There’s more – Lucy’s not as heartless as she sounds. But that’s a classic line.

You think showering is just an efficient way to get clean? You’re missing out on a lot. Here’s how civilized people take a shower:

He crouches and I spread my legs allowing him access to wash me from my hips to my feet, giggling as he tickles my soles and my toes.

When he’s done with my feet, I again turn around so I am facing him. He removes the gloves &amp puts more soap on his hands. I put one foot up on the safety rail. He takes a step forward and slips one hand to my pussy while the other hand slides around my hips to my backside. He twiddles his soapy fingers in, on and around my bijou, being sure to clean every nook and cranny, until I am shuddering with orgasm after orgasm. His other hand has not been idle. He slides one slippery finger into my asshole and in conjunction with his first hand sends me climbing to ever-higher heights of orgasmic bliss until I slump into his arms &amp he must steady me to keep me from falling.
…
I rub the suds into his hair, cupping his balls in one hand and gripping his swelling shaft with the other. I slide my hand to the head of his cock and then back again, holding the foreskin back so that his glans is exposed and I can rub my soapy fingers and palm around its crown. As his cock grows, it becomes easier and easier to wash – less wrinkles! – and he moans with pleasure and leans against the shower wall, sometimes twitching as I touch a more sensitive spot. Back and forth I rub my hands over and around and under his cock and balls, being sure that every bit of it is clean. Finally he rinses – but has he gotten all the soap off? Only one way to tell! I take his cock into my mouth for a “soap check”; I must be 100% certain that everything is soap-free before we can get out of the shower.

This postcard amuses me. Yes, these spectral beauties could be a little terrifying, but they’ve got friendly and playful looks on their faces. So why is our hapless hero looking so frightened?

Someone, who would be recognizable to you loyal sex blog readers if I were to fail to preserve their requested anonymity, was so cruel as to send along this link to a directory of disturbing photographs. Perhaps it would be best to let the captions of the photographs speak for themselves, while I go away into a corner and clutch quietly at my genitals.

Photo Sequence #1: “Ever want to know how to shove a Gummi worm up your dick?” Uh, no.

Photo Sequence #2: “Line the worm up with the hanger and slide it in….”
Just for the record: “OUCH!”

Photo Sequence #3: “Stay away from the green ones, for some reason they burn after a while….” Hint: If you didn’t grip yourself so firmly in order to expel them with the brute force of your semen, perhaps the burning would be reduced?

Photo Sequence #4: “You may notice that your cum becomes like syrup, and takes on flavor and color of the worm. My girlfriend loves my cum afterwards!” Why yes, we can all see her lapping it up right there in the picture. No, wait, no we can’t.

And just in case you haven’t had all the fun you can stand, he also does nails and pencils.

2014 update:The original links have long been broken, but a collection of these photos has been obsessively reassembled and published at the Dickworms tumblr. I think I recognize a kindred spirit. Halp?

This is not recent, but it’s new to me: A thing attributed to Andy Rooney on the many merits of women over 40. I especially like the sound of these three:

Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.

Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Things to look forward to.