Dusting Off The “He Needed Killing” Defense
Getting between a woman and her chocolate can be dangerous at the best of times. At the worst of times? It’s simply NOT smart.
It turns out there’s an aggravated version of this offense that’s even more dangerous, and Korey knew a man who almost pushed it too far:
Let me tell you the tale (though quite perverse, I warn you) about how I almost killed my ex fiancé over the left-over brownie batter. This story will make you think less of me, I know, but it’s a true story. I like to think I’m a normal person, too–until I think back to this dark, dark time.
I had walked in from class, and my ex boyfriend, all 340 pounds of him, was cooking–which was what the man did best. He was excellent at cooking, and I’m still trying to shed off the forty-five pounds I had gained during the course of our relationship. That day, he was making brownies.
Now, I don’t even care for brownies. Not as much as the uncooked batter. JP, my ex, didn’t believe in eating batter since he had gotten salmonella poisoning when he was a kid from eating batter with a raw egg in it. Such a thing had never, and has never, happened to me, and I hated that he would try to clean the bowl before I had a chance to lick it.
Today, I was PMSing, and as most of you women know, we need chocolate during this time. We will climb a mountain for chocolate. We will fight for it. And so, I begged as hard as I could for the batter, and finally JP made a deal with me.
If I performed oral on him, I could have the bowl.
Oh my God! Are you a chocolate whore?
Yes, I am. I’m not proud of it, but I took his deal, and afterwards, let him have sex with me, even though I made it clear that I was not in the mood. After it was done, needless to say, I felt deserving of the chocolate. However, by the time I was finished getting dressed after the ordeal, I came out into the kitchen and saw the bowl in the sink, with water in it, soaking.
My mouth dropped. “But–my CHOCOLATE!” I gasped.
JP smirked at me and shrugged. “I told you that raw egg’s not good for you.”
I looked at the knives next to me. JP didn’t know how close he was to death. Every inch of my being yearned to take one of those knives and stick it into him with all my strength. I was not myself. I was shaking.
As I was trying to fight this powerful will that was trying to put me in prison for the rest of my life, JP suddenly produced a chocolate batter-covered spoon. It saved his life. I calmed down instantly, but I found I was sick. My adrenaline was surging. I was still seeing white. I had very nearly killed him.
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I agree completely. Without that spoon, I’d have to have left the building to keep from at least beating him senseless.
I feel the chocolate-loss pain. But I was more annoyed that the gentleman in the story deceived our heroine, and went back on a deal after he’d got what he wanted. If it was chocolate whoring, then she should have got her payment up front!
I wonder if “chocolate denial as extreme provocation” would work as a defence?
A couple of psychology professors at the University of Texas wrote a book on the 237 (not 236 or 238…) previously determined reasons why women have sex. Now I can’t help but wonder if to get chocolate was on that list…
You seem to have a better humor about all this than I do; I feel his action was reprehensible. Its not that the goal was chocolate the fact is he lied and then gloated about his lying. It wasn’t just a trick it was a deliberate lie. This kind of thing makes my blood boil. If you had hurt him (I think a good hard slap across the face might have been in order, hopefully while he was chortling) he would elicit sympathy for anyone who would listen afterwards that YOU were being petty and overreacting. It is, of course, all moot since you have broken up with him. For me this incident would have been a prime nail in the relationships coffin.
I was at that point in a new love where you share personal passions that are important to each other. I sent her a copy of “Princess Bride” and said we should watch it together next time I came to visit or she could watch it before I arrived and we could talk about it. She saw from the cover it was a fantasy film and protested that it wasn’t to her taste and that before she watched it she wanted to know why it was special to me. I said that explaining it before hand wasn’t what I wanted to do. If she trusted me, I reasoned, she wouln’t need me to explain it first. This lead to an argument. I said forget it, you don’t have to watch it but I’m not explaining to you before hand. A week later she told me she threw it out. We’d been going together about three months at that point and I now had to make a decision. Was I going to stop visiting this person over this outburst about a simple (albeit great) movie? Was I being too rigid? I decided that since she had thrown away the DVD (this extreme behavior sent up a red flag that I foolishly chose to ignore) I should just let it drop.
When I next came to visit at one point she said, “Since I threw out the film and we aren’t going to be watching it why don’t you tell me what was special about it?” I didn’t really like this line of questioning since I was still a little hot but again thought that maybe I was over reacting. I spoke a little about how I admired Wesley’s philosophy of life and the films positive tone.
The next night she pulled the film out and suggested we watch it, now that I told her why it was important to me. I had driven seven hours to be with her and I was livid. I considered forgetting about the wine I’d just had with dinner and just driving home in the snow but again I tamped down my anger and watched the film with her. In retrospect I can’t believe I stayed with her as long as I did. (But I do have some empathy for women who claim they believed the guy when he said he wouln’t hit them–again)
Raw egg has very little salmonella in it. Yeah, it’s possible that you might get a bad reaction during any of the first few times if you’re unlucky. But after that, you’ll develop an immunity whether you had a bad reaction or not. (You still won’t be immune to the toxic byproducts of salmonella which has altered its metabolism to survive in meat or eggs which have gone putrid, but that’s something else entirely.) So if someone’s done it lots of times, then by that point eating raw eggs is probably healthier than eating brownies.
Also, even if he were correct about it being bad for her, that guy’s still a jerk flavored jerk with extra jerk.
If salmonella were as common as “no raw dough” folks make it out to be, it would probably make national news. (Peanut butter, anyone?)
Also, a good hard slap would not be unforgiven. Not necessarily because of the chocolate deprivation, but because he made a promise, used sex as a tool for bribery, and then reneged on said promise after he’d gotten said sex. And his response was “ha ha, fooled you!” People who are truly respectful of their partners do not do this. Assholes do this.
ouch, sounds like he didn’t really understand (well, as far as we men Can understand) or care about the PMS cravings, and also decided that his past negative experience with uncooked food trumped her need for chocolate.
Far better plan? Give her some chocolate now to assuage the cravings, and then offer to eat the brownies with her off of each others bodies, thus leading to sexy time. Sure, requires a little self-control, but perhaps there a Few reasons she broke up with him.
I’ll admit to being amused by the “trading chocolate for oral sex” angle on this story. But I’m in agreement with several other commenters that the fellow was not exactly a prince among men. Sexual bargaining can be good honest fun or hugely icky, depending on a whole lot of intangible factors like attitude and demeanor and context and history. But not delivering your end of the bargain? Weak and lame.