In Case You Were Wondering: Bukkake

Bukkake is one of those hard-core porn concepts that you either know about or you don’t. The Reverse Cowgirl mentions it all the time, but she’s not much help to the clueless. When the word comes up in conversation (yah, as if that happens every day) the folks who aren’t familiar with it look puzzled, and the folks who know what it means refuse to elaborate. Because how could one define this word in even semi-polite conversation?

Carly the Pornblographer gives it a shot, so to speak:

Bukkake is something that I have only a small amount of knowledge on, so some of the more learned members of our industry might want to chime in with some history. But as I understand it, the practice originated in Japan before rising to some popularity in the States. A Bukkake video usually features one of two things: either a girl getting spunked on by numerous (usually) anonymous cocks, or numerous (usually) anonymous cocks spunk into some kind of receptacle, and the girl guzzles it. This is what taking the Atkins Diet too far does to you.

Now if only someone could explain why this is sexy. Yah yah yah, different strokes for different folks, one person’s fetish is another person’s gross out, your kink is not my kink but that doesn’t mean your kink is not OK, et cetera, literally (in this case) ad nauseum. Bacchus still doesn’t get it.

That said, ErosBlog is going out on the cutting (shooting?) edge. If you really really want to know what bukkake is, here is a picture. Publishing a bukkake picture may be a blogging first. If it grosses you out, tough shit — you knew where you were going when you clicked the link.

If anyone feels this is a new low for ErosBlog, you may perhaps be right. Perhaps mixing a Long Island Iced Tea in the one-liter beer mug was not such a good idea. Alas:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

— Omar Khayyam

Snoogle Me Up!

Just in case the most successful search engine in the world was at a loss for what to do next, this from a Canadian columnist:

Face it. The most searched for topic on the Internet is still that three-letter word that begins with “s” – and despite the time of year, I’m not talking “ski.”

So why is Google, the most used search engine on the Web, about to launch a shopping service called “Froogle” when what busy people could really use are quality cyber-dating services? Imagine one called “Snoogle” for longer-term relationships, or “Oogle” for those who simply want a hot date.

As If There Was Any Doubt

The top seven signs your grandparents remain sexually active:

7. At night they put their teeth in the same glass.

6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

5. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

4. Grandma is found cuffed to her walker.

3. Grandma regularly bakes Viagra-chip cookies.

2. Grandma frequently looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

And the number one sign your grandparents remain sexually active is:

1. Their Kraft-matic adjustable bed is set for “doggy style.”

Halloween Gone Terribly Wrong

Another circulating email thing, guy unknown, let’s just call him Biggus Dickus. (“He has a wife you know….”)

Ladies, I know we generally focus a little too much here at ErosBlog on things of amusement to the gentlemen of default wiring. Please consider this a modest token in the nature of restitution.

More Sex Educamation

Here’s a spiffy little educational article on “How to Give a Blowjob”, complete with illustrations by Phoebe Gloeckner that manage to be cute and sexy at the same time:

One suspects that nothing taught in high school sex education classes is anything like as useful.

Overdue Linkage

For ideological as well as practical reasons, ErosBlog has no warning page or other mechanism to warn off or usher away underage surfers. However, very little that passes here amounts to useful sex information for those in need of same. Accordingly, the new link at left to Scarleteen (“Sex Education For The Real World”) is long overdue. The site is, simply, awesome. It beats the hell out of getting all your sex information from Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex, just as that venerable tome was a considerable improvement over those laughable “Health Information For Young Couples” books of a century ago.

Don’t Mess With Norma Brown

Norma Brown has invented a “Female Security Device”:

The Female Security Device is designed to defend and protect a woman against rape. It is placed within the vaginal cavity of a female to protect and minimize physical damage caused by sexual intercourse. The device is able to retrieve evidence of rape and provide evidence for identifying a perpetrator. This is done by using a needle to to obtain a penile tissue sample and to cause penile tissue irritation, and by obtaining a semen sample.

From the pictures, it appears that instead of the needle, you can get it with a superglue option or an airbag option. Not making this up. The function of the airbag is labeled on the diagram (“deployed as barrier to penetration”) but the “surgical glue spray” option seems as if it would be counterproductive.

Bacchus is an absolutist when it comes to a person’s right to control what enters his or her orifices, by whatever means necessary. (Large caliber handguns are quite effective for this purpose.) Unfortunately, the proposed “Female Security Device” puts one in mind of a man who stays locked in his own concrete basement to avoid the risk of kidnappers. Would not a woman who routinely used such a device be, in a metaphorical sort of way, preemptively raping herself?

Dumb Question. Does The Pope Shit In The Woods?

Do you like thongs?

Christmas in Fantasyland

So, Bacchus was awakened early on Christmas morning. This was unexpected, as Bacchus has no children. Still, there was a tugging at Bacchus’s…well, let’s just say there was a tugging.

“Bacchus! Bacchus! Wake up! It’s time to unwrap your present!”

“Present? I already unwrapped my presents last night.”

“Well, if you don’t want to….” [much pouting]

And that is the tale of how Bacchus did not wake up on Christmas morning. Ah, well, so much for fantasyland.

And His Dog Likes Peanut Butter

This tale of a snappy comeback was posted on an adult webmaster board by the famous Persian Kitty:

This was in the Washington Post… the title of the article was “Best Comeback Line Ever.”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ “He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?'”

Of course, it’s an urban legend. But still funny.

Enjoy Your Toys

“Merry Christmas to All, and To All, a Good Night!”

So That’s Where Prime Rib Comes From

Hungry?

It’s a poster by Sharon Leong.

But Do You Have To Check Them Through To Your Destination?

Alert readers will have noticed the recent appearance on the sex blog list of Pornblography, a fun new blog [since gone defunct] that’s all about the movers and shakers in the porn biz. Frankly, to an outsider it’s just a bit bewildering — these people are not most of them household names, although they will be familiar in some cases to heavy porn consumers and regular readers of Adult Video News, the New York Times of the adult entertainment industry. But it’s a delightful and eye-opening read all the same. Do you know what a suitcase pimp is? Nope, neither did your humble scribe. It turns out:

A “Suitcase Pimp” is the industry term for any boyfriend or husband of a porn chick. They are often, but not always, jobless….

Suitcase Pimps can usually be seen carrying the bags of the actresses when they arrive on a set (hence the term Suitcase), and they are often to be found on the cell phone handling the business affairs of the girls (i.e. “pimping” them out to whichever producer will pay the most money for a scene). This activity takes place much to the consternation of various film producers and directors, who would MUCH rather deal with the porno chicks themselves, for various reasons.

Carly, who writes Pornblography, also has great taste, having averred that ErosBlog “fucking rocks”. Thanks Carly!

Department: Fun With Photoshop (Centaur Bureau)

Ok, here’s one for all you ladies who were horsey girls when you were little, and never quite got over it. You know who you are: the girl who ate, slept, breathed, and dreamed horses, and filled her room with plastic ones if she couldn’t talk Daddy into paying for riding lessons. If you had a horse, you loved him more than life itself — and in your more heated private moments, you imagined, at least, riding him through the tall grasses, birds singing, clothing conveniently forgotten back at the stables, his warm heaving steaming flanks pressed firmly between your girlish thighs… et cetera. It seems to be a girl thing; every third twelve year old girl seems remarkably, even inexplicably, fond of horses, but rare indeed is the preteen boy who loves him his horsies quite that much (although, to be fair, stranger things have percolated up from the muck in the back pages of the search engines).

For all their manifest virtues, a horse is alas still just a horse. But a centaur, wouldn’t he be special? He could give you rides in the wildflower meadows and buy you diamonds too, and tinker on classic cars in the garage on weekends and live happily ever after. Pity they are mythical. But, a few photoshop artifacts aside, here’s what one (a very buff one) might look like:

Enjoy.

Grep? I Can’t Even Grok!

Someone much smarter than Bacchus will have to evaluate this resource and report back. There’s a page here advertising “Lesbian GNU/Linux” — a pretty obvious parody of the Debian package, right down to the photoshopped logo. However, the apparent actual purpose of the page (which purpose is only apparent, and not certain, because when linux types make jokes it’s not unheard of for the rest of us mere mortals to miss the point) is this bit: “It comes with a superior package management system called porn-get…”. Which is followed by several tarballs (furballs? salty balls? Something like that, anyway) and man pages and similar related penguin-head paraphernalia, all of which looks pretty authentic even if it does contain oddities like the following:

        (__) 
        (oo) 
  /------\/ 
 / |    ||   *  /\---/\ 
   ~~   ~~   
...."Have you mooed today?"...

The interesting thing is that there does appear to be some sort of functional software for obtaining porn (a linux pornograph?) buried in here…because this artifact was revealed by the discovery in the ErosBlog log files of the following unique user agent ID: (www.linuks.mine.nu/porn-get).

Are there any penguin-heads out there who can tell us what this software does, and whether it is any good?

I’ll Never Look At Carrots The Same Way Again

Via Daze Reader a link to the very secret diaries of characters from The Lord of the Ring. Slash tropes, but tastefully done and funny as heck:

Diary of Peregrine Took, DAY NINE :

Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.

Later that night

Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?

Apparently not.

V. educational, all the same.

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• Tossing Her Own Salad
• Leek, Well Stowed
• Woman, With Carrot

I Gotta Get Me One Too

A minor link from the Reverse Cowgirl to some of her more literate critics turned up this gem of an idea:

“People are always talking about how great this pornography is, I need to break down and purchase a pornograph so I get see what this is all about!”

Bacchus is all on board this excellent plan. Everyone should get a pornograph for Christmas. Joy to the World!

This post has been brought to you by Highland Mist, the cheap blended Scotch Whiskey that gives Scottish distilling a bad name. “Fine texture through the finish” indeed! (Assuming pumice is a fine texture….)

Uh Oh, This Can’t Be Good

The nymphs have unionized and are up in arms. They have demands. Updates as events warrant.

Wintertime and the Living Is Easy

Look closely at the smile on the face of the relaxing gentleman below. Bacchus is smiling a smile like that. Why? Because the lucrative but deadly dull job has gone away. Bacchus is now gloriously self-employed.

Or would be, if he felt like working any harder than the guy in the picture. Perhaps come January. Meanwhile, it’s time for whiskey, music, html bashing, and chasing women! (Not necessarily in that order.)

Don’t Touch What You Ain’t Gonna Buy, Though

The lovely and mysterious Babs explains a sure-fire strategy for a woman to get a man’s attention:

When Babs asked her friend why she was so sad, she told her that her boyfriend was doing beer bong hits and totally ignoring her. Babs didn’t have any sage advice at the time, so she summoned Trevor, one of her closest guy friends, for help. After talking with him for a few minutes, the depressed girlfriend started to grin and wandered off to find her brew-swillin’ dude.

Babs caught up with her friend in the bathroom about fifteen minutes later.

“You’re pretty happy. What happened?”

“Oh, Trevor just told me to go unzip my boyfriend’s pants. It worked. Now he has eyes only for me.”

The Uses Of Pornography

Debra Hyde at Pursed Lips has an important discussion [link has unfortunately vanished] about the difficulty of discussing appalling abuses that have a sexual component. It’s a real problem for this blog.

Anyone who has a rich fantasy life can find an erotic component in almost any tale of sexual atrocity. And, since horror is often an unwelcome emotion, the temptation to eroticize horrific stories by translating them into more palatable fantasy terms can be overwhelming. The downside is that the story itself is often trivialized in the process — if one gets too busy picturing Uday Hussein’s pony girls in the mind’s eye, one could forget to empathize sufficiently with their terror, shame, and humiliation. Worse, one could forget to be outraged by Uday’s behavior.

For this reason, sexual atrocities are featured much less often on this blog than they might be. It’s unseemly, at best, to treat actual human suffering as mere fodder for an erotic fantasy — and almost any discussion of real world sexual suffering in the context of this blog is subject to that risk. And yet, having a category of stories about sex be off limits to a sex blog is, itself, rather perverse.

Debrah’s article suggests a path through the maze. She acknowledges, first, the impossibility of discussing such events without the discussion having a pornographic quality. But then she points out that pornography is not always erotic, having a long history as a protest and propaganda tool aimed at political change. And she suggests that we not shrink from such uses of pornography, but rather embrace its power to incite moral outrage. She’s a wise woman.

That’s a lot of preamble for a short block quote about a professional government rapist. Perhaps if Jonah Goldberg had read Debra’s blog, he would have managed a little less flippancy in this story:

There are some professions American colleges simply don’t prepare you for. Consider Aziz Salih Ahmed. He works for the Iraqi government. His technical specialty? He’s a “violator of women’s honor,” according to his Iraqi identity card. In other words, he rapes women. Presumably he likes it. But he does it on the government’s dime so whether he likes brutally raping women or not, he’s probably good at it or at least he’s good enough for government work.

Bring on the Geritol

First of all, apologies are in order. This blog has been nearly imageless, and/or monochrome, for far too long. In the nature of restitution, please accept this nice girl working on her personal hygiene.

Image “borrowed” from deep in the archives of the Sensual Liberation Army, which is herewith added to the sex blog roll. Thanks!

And now for the pathetic part. Folks, Bacchus is officially getting old. For, while gazing at this raven-haired and oh-so-damp callipygian beauty, what to his wandering mind should appear but the following unworthy thought:

“Nice shower tiles. I want a shower like that.”

Sigh.

P.S.: This photograph provides additional evidence that Anil was right.

Noelle’s Hellish Christmas

Those cute and cuddly poo-eating bunnies over at Silflay Hraka started up with the mangled Christmas songs right after Thanksgiving, and, as the song goes, “it doesn’t show signs of stopping.” Now they’ve come along with a bastardized Christmas song about sex:

Noelle was an underclassman in my senior year, and as Christmas approached her life got worse and worse, from the dirty carols point of view.

The first Noelle, the angels did lay
Was with certain poor shepherds on rough bales of hay;
She was poor and she was cheap, and she had great big teats,
On a cold winter’s night she was better than sheep.
Noelle, Noelle, Noelle, Noelle,
At sexual congress she did excel!

These guys give doggerel a bad name. Go visit!

The Dangers of Self Publishing

Amazon is selling the following fine publication:

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Bacchus suspects that, depending on how the depressed patient is wired, the answer to this question may well depend on what is in the anus while this therapy is conducted.

Bring Your Pitons And A Gallon Of Stolichnaya

Jessica Parker over at BlogAnon has announced her intention to reclaim the number one Google search results spot for the phrase “sex blog” which she apparently had at some point back before Bacchus got into the sex blogging line.

Now, Jessica evidently has more web designing talent in her left nipple than Bacchus could ever hope to possess, plus she has some natural (and they do look deliciously natural) advantages, which she proffers up most fetchingly at the top of her blog as the “#1 Blog Boobies on the Web.” (Bacchus is way too much of a gentleman to argue, even if he was inclined to do so, which he is not, even though he has seem some other fine candidates that discretion and an avoidance of invidious comparisons prevents him from identifying with particularity.)

So anyways, BlogAnon is a damn fine read and goes on the linklist. But about that #1 Google spot for “sex blog”? Not gonna happen. As the dad says in Cheaper by the Dozen: “Over my dead body, and it will be quite a climb.” Bacchus fought and scratched for the magnificent twenty hits a day the number one spot delivers, and he’s not gonna give it up without a fight. Bring pitons and a helicopter for the photographers.

[2006 Update: Four years later, BlogAnon is long gone and the domain snapped up by a click farmer. In recent months Eros Blog has been swapping the number one spot with a defunct blog by one TwiddlyBits. BlogAnon never did rescale those heights.]

Jessica has a secret weapon, though, in the form of this fine sex blog song to the tune of Tom Jone’s Sex Bomb:

Sex blog, sex blog
you’re a sex blog,
showing us your boobies
there’s no way you can go wrong
sex blog, sex blog
you’re a sex blog,
and baby you can turn me on

The Fleshlight: Better Living Through Technology

(Better than what? Fair question. Better than living with Mother Palm and her five daughters, by all accounts. Bacchus avidly and sincerely doubts that companionable ladies have anything to fear from this form of competition.)

Now, is that a backwards and indirect way to start a sex blog entry, or what? Enough pussyfooting (if the expression may be forgiven) around and beating about the bush. (Hmm, forgiveness for inapt expressions probably getting to be an impossible dream by now. Stay tuned, it only gets worse from here.)

The web is awash with tales of The Fleshlight — a male masturbation toy that apparently doesn’t suck. (Literally or figuratively — can we just stop noticing the inapt turns of phrase for a while? If Bacchus was a competent writer, he’d be getting paid for all this.)

Anyway, this toy is all over the web, has been since about 1998 or so, but given the nature of things it’s tough to find a guy who will admit to having tried it. (Personal reviews in the comments are hereby solicited.) However, many of the reviews are positive. For instance:

About a week later it arrived. I was instantly worried when I felt how heavy it was, but that ended up being a plus. Once it was unwrapped, I ran a finger over the pink lips. The feeling was soft and malleable, “Real Feel Super Skin” is simply amazing. It’s light mild sent of vanilla was pleasant and not over powering. I followed the easy instructions and got to work. A few moments later I was moaning in ecstasy.

Is the “Fleshlight” better than the real thing? No. But if you had the real thing, you wouldn’t be reading this. Is it better then your hand? Oh yes! I couldn’t believe how good it felt, so close to the real thing, but no need to buy flowers.

The folks over at Clean Sheets were a little more reserved in their endorsement, but they still gave this item a thumb (or something) up:

Our reviewer’s first impressions of the product were “I GOTTA have this” and “very unusual feel.” Said one man; “The appearance was relatively life-like. The vanilla scent was oddly pleasing.” Indeed. Closing your eyes and touching the material is eerie; like touching the real thing. One man said “Closest thing to the real thing I ever felt.”

In use, they seem to cull all kinds of honors. “With the right lube, the feel is very nice.”

Overall, this product received very handsome commentary: “Not as good as the real thing but definitely better than your hand. I like using it while watching videos.” “This is tons of fun and feels great. It’s almost the perfect sex toy!”

Bacchus has not yet tried this device — it’s not exactly cheap, and there’s an “ick factor” (reported on by the folks at Nerve) that’s impossible to ignore. (However, even the Nerve reviewer appears to have enjoyed the Fleshlight once he, uhm, “screwed his courage to the sticking point” and got down to business.)

So: Any fans of this thing out there who want to tell us how it feels?

Acidman Explains It All

In which Acidman shuffles the deck of humanity and explains how to deal for maximum good times all around:

“Why are people so confused, tangled and mangled about sex? From my experience, I’ve learned that people are like a deck of cards. Everybody fits into a certain suit. Hearts, Diamonds, Clubs or Spades, and everybody picks what they want to be. The hearts want love, the diamonds want wealth, the clubs like things dangerous and the spades work hard and never make much money. Everybody screws, but hearts don’t last with clubs and spades don’t last with diamonds. You’ve got to find your own suit, or it will never work.”

Now we just need a volunteer to step up to the plate and gin up a “What Suit Are You?” quiz.

Oh, now I see

The Group Captain provided this map as evidence that the Middle East is in deep shit:

Ayup. And it’s DARK in there, too. Plus the ventilation, while sometimes vigorous, leaves a bit to be desired.

However, Bacchus is a twisted fellow, and therefore wonders whether this map might not also explain the existence (or, worse yet, the immediate adjacency) of the following two entries from the ErosBlog referral logs:

islamic questions about oral sex
israeli gas mask fetish

Friends, Romans, Countrywomen, Lend Me…

Dang! This is one sexy ear!

And that’s a nice tattoo, although one would think the feather would tickle. Especially when kissed.

Sexy ear, you ask?

Well, why not? If Acidman can link to toe porn, what’s wrong with ear porn?

Besides, have you ever seen such a kissable ear vicinity? Bacchus thinks not.

Only trouble is, this genre-defining bit of earotica arrived (earrived?) by email; its provenance and owner are unknown. If this is your ear, please step forward and become known to the vast ErosBlog readership! Linkage, modeling credits, photographer credits, tattoo artist credits, whatever — all will be cheerfully added in this space. Heck, we might even be able to round up a couple of ear groupies!

Sunscreen is Mandatory

Reuters via Yahoo reports:

Hundreds of women from drought-ravaged southern Australia plan to bare it all to the heavens in a bid to make it rain.

Inspired by a Nepalese drought-breaking tradition, the women from Ouyen in the far northwest of Victoria state will carry out a naked rain dance in the barren outback in early March, just ahead of the planting season for the next crop.

Hey, why not? Since it obviously works so well in Nepal….

In Case Anyone Was Wondering

Sticky Kitty explains why she likes to be spanked:

Very simple:

It feels so nice on my bottom.

I like the ones that “thud” right in the middle of my ass.. very close to certain sensitive areas. Thats what it feels like… a “thuddy” feeling. Its the kind of strategic smack that stimulates you from the inside out. Its like a resonating inside my body, kind of like when you hit the body of an acoustic guitar. Its hollow and deep, and causes a vibration in the strings.

Loyal readers (all who are still here, that would be) are invited to share their reasons in the comments.

I Don’t Remember The Show Being This Good

Q: What do you call three cute starlet models all chained together on network television?

A: A good start….

Thanks to Melly at Ordinary Morning for the link.

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Good Shit

New addition to the sex blog list: Good Shit. It’s a graphics-heavy blog chock full of cheesecake, naked babes, and other sexy images like the one below.

My Neck Is Cold

Thanks to the Reverse Cowgirl for linking us to AccordionGuy who, in turn, offers for your viewing pleasure two large pictures of scarves shaped like boobs:

Apparently the pendulous breasts scarf is all the rage in Japan.

Nope…not making this up. Couldn’t.