Tourists at Play

Bacchus constantly marvels at the things tourists will do, all unthinking. Does this lady look like she has so much as a shred of apprehension that her companion and photographer might choose this moment to renegotiate the ground rules of their relationship?

Proof Bacchus Is Not An Intellectual

Via End The War On Freedom:

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
— Aldous Huxley

Not Your Father’s Ponygirl

For those who think they are familiar with the ponygirl fetish, here’s a horse of a different color:

Can we get a neigh and a whinny?

Harry Potter and His 13 Centimeters

Scary what some people get up to. Here’s some Harry Potter fanfic regarding a naked Quidditch match. Excerpt:

“Oy. Okay, so we all know we’re playing starkers. Letting it all hang out. Exposing our bits. Flaunting our glory… just to ensure we put those Slytherin gits to shame, anyone needing an ‘enhancement’ potion should let us know before the game. Well before the game. You’ll need a night’s rest and some practice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we’re meaning.

Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woad. Anyone care for the Pict-Quidd team? We think we’d all look dashing in blue. Especially Katie, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies?”

There’s more. Ten long pages of more. Funny as hell.

Let’s Not Make This Harder Than It Needs To Be

The current Savage Love advice column fields an inquiry that begins:

I have a strange fetish: I would love to have sex with a woman who is incredibly bored with me being there. If she were doing something else like reading a book or maybe doing her nails or possibly watching TV while I was going at it, I would find that incredibly hot.

Dan gives a long, thoughtful, and nuanced response about erotic humiliation scenarios and how to ask your honey to indulge you with them. But he missed the obvious question:

“If you like this sort of treatment, why not just get married?”

Buh-dum-DUMP.

Things Not To Say…

…to the mother of your child:

Dave: “How are the stretch marks?”
Melly: “Sexy as hell, you syphlitic retard.”

Kids These Days….

Here’s a bit of teenage discipline:

Signature Of The Day

Thanks to Making Light for spotting this .sig of the day, which is clearly in the spirit of John Norman parodies of the “Houseplants of Gor” ilk:

“I was kept naked on display in a cage for my Master’s pleasure. The steel band around my ankle told everyone who saw me that my role in life was to chew on his stiff cuttlebone.” — from Parakeets of Gor

With A Paddle And A Mustache Waxing Kit

Quite a long time back Erosblog linked to Sticky Kitty’s explanation of why she liked being spanked. Now SpankBoss (who is blogging up a storm over at the new and prolific Spanking Blog) explains the spanker perspective, or his anyway:

Why spanking? It’s hard to be successfully introspective about the things that make us hot. But if you’ll accept an armchair-psychology self-analysis, I think it’s a power-and-revenge thing. But that sounds…well, not worse, but perhaps more important, than it should? It’s no big deal. Rather, like most mild fetishes, it’s more of a vestigial thing, a left-over artifact of a bad adolescent decade. Like most guys who aren’t jocks or hunks, I was pretty frustrated as a young man, and got told “no” a lot, or (worse) ignored. Spanking a woman (in fantasy, against her will; in reality, with her consent) amounts to a spot of harmless payback. It’s sexually hot because when a woman is being spanked, she is, literally and symbolically speaking, in no position to say “no.” If she could (in fantasy), or would (in reality), it would have happened already. I guess you could say spanking liberates my inner mustache-twirling dastardly villain. All in good dirty fun of course.

With Feeling

What a find: girls kissing. Lots of girls, lots of kissing. Simple pleasures, what could be better?

Tentacle Sexing For Debra

This one’s for Debra, who says she likes her some tentacle sex:

Squirt Gun Fight…

…at a nude beach!

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Beach Ball
• Squirt, Squirt, Refill
• Fun With Squirt Guns

“Then He Felt Around For A Warm Moist Hole…”

Teresa Nielsen Hayden over at Making Light quotes a proponent of Mormon romance novels (yes, really) who finds sex scenes insulting:

“I have always felt the long, detailed sex scenes are an insult to our intelligence because we all know how it works,” [author Anita] Stansfield said.

Sez Teresa the Editor: “I am resolutely not imagining sex scenes written for the benefit of readers who don’t know how it works.”

What a horrifying thought.

You Have Been Warned

You sick puppies, here is your gross and sick hentai picture of the day. It involves the ill treatment of a winged naked female anime fairy. With a soda straw. You have been warned.

Gimme That Old Time Domestic Violence

Spanking Blog has a newspaper report of a domestic violence situation from 100 years ago. According to her lawyer:

“Mr. Edyk was celebrating Independence Day and came home feeling happy. Mrs Edyk remonstrated him because of his hilarity. At bedtime just after completing her nightly prayers and about to get into bed, she felt obligated to remonstrate him again about the evils of alcohol. Mr. Edyk then picked her up, sat on the edge of the bed and laying her face down across his lap began spanking in the old fashion way. The spanking was not severe but humiliating. Mrs Edyk had not been spanked in the old fashion was since she was a schoolgirl of seventeen.”

Here’s how it came out.

Bellicose Women We Love

Thanks to Instapundit for this picture of four of our nation’s finest, the crew of a KC-135 mid-air refueling tanker, who are probably orbiting at a great height at this very moment, just waiting for some fighter jock to slip them his refueling probe. Ladies, be safe out there.

P.S.: Instapundit hosts a much larger version of this picture — but then again, he has bandwidth ErosBlog can only dream about.

Fair Enough: The Blowjob Rule

The November print edition of Maxim magazine (you know, Cosmo for guys) contained a long list of rules “from the sacred code of conduct binding all men.” Silly stuff, for the most part, and this is no exception:

“If your girlfriend wakes you up with a good-morning hummer, you must obey her every command until sundown — c’mon, that’s more than fair.”

But silly or not, speaking as a guy Bacchus can confirm he caught himself nodding and thinking “Yeah, that’s not out of line.” Ladies, you have no idea what you could get away with.

Speaking of Oranges

This post featuring oranges attracted quite a bit of attention. Thus, it seemed an odd bit of serendipity yesterday when the following advertising banner turned up over at Cliterati:

“So I REWIRED it, gave it MORE POWER!”

Hokay, so this post is about an honest-to-goodness porn site. Boys gone wild, if you like — adapting power tools to their highest and best use. That’s right, me hearties: we present Fucking Machines.

If you follow that link (no popups, which is generally a good sign in a porn site) and then click on “Machines” you’ll be presented with an amusing list of fucking machines:

The Intruder
The Monster
The Fucksall
The Crane
The Sybian
The Trespasser
The Probe
The Jetaime
The Double Jetaime
The Loving Chair
The Hammer
The Drilldo
The Double Crane
The Goat Milker
The Tit Sucker

The Snake
The Portafuck
The Cathedral
The Toolbox
The Crystal Palace

The Antique Intruder
The Twinserter
The Airstorm
The Lighthouse
The Concrete Vibrator
The Fucking Chair
The Predator
The Reactor

Complete with horsepower ratings.

But of course any dweeb in his basement can glue a dildo to a power tool and claim it’s a sex toy. Where the rubber meets the, er, road, however, is actually using them for sex, or at least a well-photographed facsimile thereof. And that’s what makes this a porn site. Lots and lots of good looking models playing with these toys and managing to look like they are having fun doing it.

And finally, for the guys out there who think such fine machinery is wasted on women, there is a sister site (brother site?) called, with all the subtlety of a brick: Butt Machine Boys. This may be the true target market for these ambitiously mechanical porn purveyors. After all, why let the girls play with the cool toys and spoil all that raw male power tool fun?

This Is It

The Wired Man asks “What is it about women and horses?”

A hard question to answer, although these comments have previously appeared in this space.

Apologies From the Management

Apologies to the person who came to ErosBlog looking for a “gallery of mysterious erotic female spiritual companions“. We are fresh out.

Alas we have no “japanese stamping lubricants” either.

Laugh or Cry?

Daniel Radosh calls this line from the ancient testimony against Roman Polanski “heartbreaking”, and if the 13-year-old girl in question actually said this Daniel is right: “And then he went down and he started performing cuddliness.”

But what if it was a transcription error? That would be damned funny, as long as we are all clear we are laughing at the official court reporter who, in 1977, might conceivably have been a bit challenged when transcribing naughty Latin words.

Playboy: The Magazine For Cub Scouts

Reuters reports that “O” Magazine (“The Art, the Fashion, The Fantasy”) has lost its lawsuit against Oprah, who “borrowed” the name for her magazine.

[The judge] said readers could not confuse Brockmeyer’s magazine containing photos of “whip-bearing, naked women engaged in sadomasochistic and lesbian acts” with Winfrey’s publication aimed at helping women improve their lives guided by the performer’s values.
…
“No ordinary prudent reader would view the contents of the magazines as similar and no reasonable reader seeking the contents of one magazine would turn to the other,” he said.

Playboy watch out! By this logic, the Boy Scouts of America could rename “Boy’s Life“, call it “Playboy”, and sell it with impunity.

Whoops, that was a mistake?

Sex on Tuesday is running a list of 40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women. Among the less obvious of these (at least, less obvious to this reporter) are:

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid`s toy.
…
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

If women genuinely care about the order in which clothing is removed before sex, it’s just more proof (as if any more were needed) that they are an alien species that is just visiting us to “borrow” genetic material.

Update:The Wired Man has a point-by-point response to these fifty mistakes. Apropos #12 above:

Nonsense. You only think you look stupid because you can’t see yourselves as we see you. Women tangled in their clothes are indescribably cute. If you knew the effect it has on us, you’d do it every time.

What really looks stupid is a mostly-dressed woman saying “zip me?” It goes against everything we hold dear to help you put clothes on.

Women Against Blowjobs

Here’s a website (deleted from Geocities long before it died and apparently never archived: http://www.geocities.com/womenagainstbjs/ ) with a mission statement: “To provide support and a resource of helpful information to women who wish to stop giving blowjobs.”

It’s possible that this is a joke. There’s nothing specific on the page to indicate parody, satire, or overt humorous intent, but for some internet jokesters the humor lies in being taken seriously.

How seriously are we talking? The first tip for women against blowjobs is:

The next time your partner asks for a blowjob try this: kneel down as if you are going to give head and then say “Did I ever tell you that my last boyfriend nicknamed me ‘teeth’ after I gave him a blowjob?”

If the page is real, it’s rather sad. Not so much that there are women who don’t like giving blowjobs: that’s hardly news, and anyway de gustibus non disputandem. What’s sad is to think of someone who needs, or even wants, a support group to help in exercising one of the most basic aspects of individual autonomy – the right to say no.

On a lighter note, if the author of this page is for real, it’s possible she won’t think this is funny.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Forensic Photoarcheology, Vintage Blowjob Edition
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He Sent His Wife To Get Firewood…

…and wound up getting some wood himself.

C.S. Lewis on Christian Sex

Joshua Claybourne provides us this quote from noted Christian philosopher and author C.S. Lewis:

“It is not the thing, nor the pleasure, that is the trouble. The old Christian teachers said that if man had never fallen, sexual pleasure, instead of being less than it is now, would actually have been greater. I know some muddle-headed Christians have talked as if Christianity thought that sex, or the body, or pleasure, were bad in themselves. But they were wrong. Christianity is almost the only one of the great religions which thoroughly approves of the body – which believes that matter is good, that God Himself once took on a human body, that some kind of body is going to be given to us even in Heaven and is going to be an essential part of our happiness, our beauty, and our energy. Christianity has glorified marriage more than any other religion: and nearly all the greatest love poetry in the world has been produced by Christians. If anyone says that sex, in itself, is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once.”

Nice quote, although the astute reader will discern that Lewis is in fact gearing up to tell us what the Christian difficulty with sex is, if it’s not sex per se. And that sermon is not one likely to be well received by this readership.

Since other posts on that blog display enlightened sexual attitudes such as the advocacy of years of sexual frustration in the name of stronger (if awfully eventual) marriages, perhaps we should not expect immediate back linkage.

Yahooligans are wimps

Sharp-Eyed Shell spotted a Yahoo news story about the nude protest pictured so attractively below. However, when Shell spotted it the picture was the picture that illustrated the Yahoo story. Apparently they chickened out and decided the picture was just a little too provocative, because it’s nowhere to seen now.

Fortunately, Shell saved it for everyone’s delectation, and ErosBlog passes the savings along to you.

Porn-Get works!

Back in December ErosBlog discussed a linux package called porn-get. Now from Jenny comes word that it works, and works well:

Porn-get does nothing else than download "sexual education material"[1]
found on the internet more effeciently than you would manually
with a browser.

The thing is it really works, well. I've heard of people downloading
more than 100 GB porn, pity my hd had not enough space to get every-
thing, neither is my internet connectivity too good.
[1] bad mouths call it porn
Yours
Jenny
-- 
Windoze not found: (C)heer, (P)arty or (D)ance?